Today, I think, is the first time I have truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I know I am not skinny or the most beautiful person or even close to it but I am me. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. Its weird because before all of my therapy and before me starting to write I felt normal. I thought things were ok in my head. They weren't and its proof now that it wasn't. I always made jokes about myself and how big I was (I still do that from time to time) but I truly am starting to feel better about myself. Emotionally and physically. I guess after years of abuse, sexual assaults, people telling you that you aren't good enough that will put a cloud over you.
We went to dinner with Steve's really good friend and his wife tonight. It was an unexpected date night and I had a lot of fun. It was nice to get out of the house and have grown up conversations with other adults without my precious 2 year old screaming in my ear ;)
So here is my point I guess. A lot of times when I am around other people I feel out of place. Well, I did. Because the people that I am around seem to have higher education than I do, been more places than I have, speak better than I do, and such. I've asked Steve if he was embarrassed that I am "just a photographer" and have never been any further than high school. Have also asked if my pronunciation of certain words embarrass him. He always said no but I always felt that I never met anyone standards. I was just a waste of space in this world. I was just a mom and a part time photographer so what good am I? Crazy talk right? Well this is what went through my head almost on a daily basis. I guess it has something to do with my PTSD, OCD, or generalized anxiety. I will say though since I have been on my medication, getting therapy, and writing all of these feelings have went away.
I do not feel dumb any more. I may not know every thing but I am certainly not dumb. I feel that I am a productive part of society and my work is still not finished. I feel like I belong in this world, in this town, with Steve, with my friends, and even with strangers.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
A part of the story that must be told.
I will not call out my sexual abuser like I haven't the past two. Its not that I am scared I just feel that I am finally over it and saying names will not do anyone any good. At least not in my opinion.
I remember being at a relatives house. I want to say I was around 6. I couldn't have been any older than 8 at most. Another relative took the kids in his room to look around at how cool his room was. Me being a kid obviously I didn't think anything of it. After he showed us all his room he was making every one get out of the room and he told me stay. I thought I was going to get to see something special. He talked to me for a minute. About what I have no clue. I don't remember.
I do remember him telling me that there was something in his closet he wanted me to see. Well, his closet was one of those that was sort of like an old pantry. It didn't have a knob and it came out of the wall. It wasn't like closets now. Anyway, he told me to go in and look so I did. He followed me and shut the door. I remember it being dark in there. I don't know all the details leading to this as I was very young but he made me give him oral sex that night. He told me to put my mouth on his penis and told me it was special for me to do that and I couldn't tell anyone.
I have been ashamed and embarrassed to tell this part of my story. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I was a kid. I didn't know what those things were. He took advantage of me. It still makes me feel quite a bit embarrassed by this. Most of my problems I have been able to work out. Like my rape, and my molestation but this is different for me. Maybe its because it was a relative or maybe it was because of the act. I really don't know. I am still in therapy so I know that I will get through the shame I feel over this, its just its so raw for me.
Don't think I am sitting here typing and its making me sad. Yes, what happened to me was wrong and cruel and just disgusting on so many levels. But, I am ok. I am going to make it through this. I don't have a choice. I have come so far already.
I remember being at a relatives house. I want to say I was around 6. I couldn't have been any older than 8 at most. Another relative took the kids in his room to look around at how cool his room was. Me being a kid obviously I didn't think anything of it. After he showed us all his room he was making every one get out of the room and he told me stay. I thought I was going to get to see something special. He talked to me for a minute. About what I have no clue. I don't remember.
I do remember him telling me that there was something in his closet he wanted me to see. Well, his closet was one of those that was sort of like an old pantry. It didn't have a knob and it came out of the wall. It wasn't like closets now. Anyway, he told me to go in and look so I did. He followed me and shut the door. I remember it being dark in there. I don't know all the details leading to this as I was very young but he made me give him oral sex that night. He told me to put my mouth on his penis and told me it was special for me to do that and I couldn't tell anyone.
I have been ashamed and embarrassed to tell this part of my story. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I was a kid. I didn't know what those things were. He took advantage of me. It still makes me feel quite a bit embarrassed by this. Most of my problems I have been able to work out. Like my rape, and my molestation but this is different for me. Maybe its because it was a relative or maybe it was because of the act. I really don't know. I am still in therapy so I know that I will get through the shame I feel over this, its just its so raw for me.
Don't think I am sitting here typing and its making me sad. Yes, what happened to me was wrong and cruel and just disgusting on so many levels. But, I am ok. I am going to make it through this. I don't have a choice. I have come so far already.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Don't let the world harden your heart.
I saw this quote today. Its so true. Sometimes it can be hard not to let things that has happened to you take over your mind. Hard not to think of how mean or bad you could be to people. You have the right after all, all that has happened to you, right? I used to be like this and get so mad at people for absolutely no reason. I am getting over that and actually have for the most part. Its so hard not to be mad at every one that has done things to you, people who could have protected you.
I have been in the spot where I was hardened against the world. Its not fun to think that and to think the world is against you. Just because of things that happened to you. Things you were innocent of. People tend to judge. I felt I had to be like that or I would get hurt. It has taken me this long to get over my abandonment issues. Almost my entire life to March this year. I went that long with my mind set. I am glad to say I came back though. I am soft to people. I am kind and I love with everything I have. I forgive easily and I let people go that I know are going to be a nuisance for my healing process. Sometimes its just a must.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Do you want to make a difference?
I know I sure do. I would to harsher penalties for child abusers and sex offenders. While the victims suffer a lifetime of pain, the offenders get little to no jail time at all. I see something wrong with this and we need to change it. I cannot do it by myself. I need YOUR help. The first thing I need you to do is go to the link I am going to provide. Put in your information and sign the petition. It only takes a minute and no one gets your address.
https://www.change.org/petitions/us-government-harsher-penalties-for-child-and-sex-abusers
https://www.change.org/petitions/us-government-harsher-penalties-for-child-and-sex-abusers
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Downs & Ups
Well, on Wednesday of last week I got some bad news. I literally broke down and didn't know what I was going to do. I had called my therapists office to re-schedule my appt. for that Friday since I decided to leave for Mississippi on Thursday instead. When I called the office person told me I couldn't re-schedule. I was puzzled as they always told me I could call and re-schedule as long as its before 24 hours. I then went on to ask why and she proceeded to tell me that my therapist would no longer be working there and they could assign me to someone else. I said no. I've made so much progress with my therapist I didn't want to see anyone else. They then told me they would put me through to her direct line and I left a very long, detailed message letting her know if she was going somewhere else I would like to follow if I could or to close my case because I would no longer see a therapist. She called me back a while later and I cried with her on the phone. I felt like I was losing a part of something I worked so hard to get. Does that make sense? She told me she was going to another office to be closer to her own little girl and her family (I can understand that). She said they usually do not let clients transfer to another county but she was going to try her best to talk to her supervisor and let her know my situation. She did, and called me back almost as I got home yesterday from my Mississippi trip. She said her supervisor is letting me go with her to her new place. I am super excited about this because I have more to tell and I think with her help I can do that.
Now, on to my vacation. Some of it was vacation with a little work. Lol. My main panic was that I was going to be photographing my cousins wedding party and the ceremony. Ahhhhhh! I was a nervous wreck and actually had a panic attack the night before we left for MS. This was a big deal for me. Two reasons-Number one it was my baby cousin and I already knew I was going to cry. Number two I don't do weddings, well inside anyway. I have two booked for outside and I am completely fine with those but inside photos with not a whole lot of lighting freak me out. So, I was super on edge. Not only that but I had the pressure seeping up behind me that I had to see 3 possibly 4 people that I didn't care to see. I say 3 of them, thankfully the 4th didn't show up. But, the 3 weren't that bad. We all stayed out of one another's way because its a mutual dislike if you will. The wedding went off without a hitch. I took photos and am glad of the way they are coming out. The only thing is I wish Steve would have brought Jace when I told him too so he could have been in the group photos. Lol. I do have a couple of him though. I was proud of my baby cousin for making this commitment and being, just beautiful. I love her so much.
This Mississippi trip was the first time I had been back since I started telling my story. I was wondering how it was going to feel. I always wanted to go see my family but always dreaded it because I hated the memories it brought with the trip. This time, I had no bad feelings with those things at all. I even took Steve by the house and yard I was raped in. I needed to do that to be sure I was fully over that and had closure from it. It didn't bother me at all. It was like driving by an unknown house and nothing ever happened. I also told him of another story while I was down that I hadn't told but one other person and I am still debating if I ever will. I probably will, I just have to get through it with my therapist first. It doesn't bother me in the way that the other things did but it embarrasses me more. I'm not sure why. I didn't make myself do anything. Someone else did. I guess we'll see.
As guests begin to get to my bridal shower on Sunday I was able to chat with a few of them while things were being finished. One of which was like a mother to me at one point and time. She had no idea the things I had went through and I don't even know how we got on the subject. It was very surprising to her to say the very least. And surprising that I do not believe in the things she does or that I did anymore. She still loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I'll become. I know this. It was like we picked up right were we left off. Anyway, the bridal shower kicked off and I must say I had an awesome time. Not a whole lot of people came and I was kind of glad because it gave me a chance to have one on one time with every one. It was nice. My sister in law, Tracey is the one who made it all possible so big props to her. My sister came the day of and was able to help a little.
The next day I went to my good friends house and visited with her for a while. It was nice to sit and chat. Of course, she asked me about my religion (or I guess you could say my lack of). Every one has questions when things like that are brought up and I don't mind answering them. Like I told her and have told every one else who has questioned me, just because I don't believe the same thing doesn't make me a bad person. I do great deeds for people, I help people in any way that I can and I love with all my heart. Of course there is always the question of me having an impact on the way Jace thinks about religion. Its true, there is some influence there as you are a parent but if he decides to go to church and things like that I will take him. I have no issue with this. In fact I will probably put him in a church mommy's day our program. Other than that I was able to talk to her mom more in depth about the things that happened to me that she had no idea about. She said something to me that I just can't shake. She told me if I had of came to her she would have fought for me. She would have tried to get me away from my dad and the things that he was doing. I was a scared teenager at the time. I tried to hide most of it. Even if I did tell her I knew how my dad was. He wouldn't have let it be like that. He would have done every thing he could to make my life miserable. I really do think that is what he does and does it on purpose. As a matter of fact on my bridal shower day he drove around the block of where it was being held. He has let his hair grow out into a pony tail, cut all of his facial hair off and all. This is the longest we have ever went without speaking. I've had the same number for years. He knows how to call but he refused to up until about a month ago (6 months since I had last saw or spoke to him) but I didn't answer. I have nothing to say to him unless its in person. I'm no coward anymore and will not back down from his words.
All in all I had a pretty good trip to visit my family and friends. I had a beautiful bridal shower and I loved getting to be a "princess" for the day. Lol. I loved my tiara. Ha.
Now, on to my vacation. Some of it was vacation with a little work. Lol. My main panic was that I was going to be photographing my cousins wedding party and the ceremony. Ahhhhhh! I was a nervous wreck and actually had a panic attack the night before we left for MS. This was a big deal for me. Two reasons-Number one it was my baby cousin and I already knew I was going to cry. Number two I don't do weddings, well inside anyway. I have two booked for outside and I am completely fine with those but inside photos with not a whole lot of lighting freak me out. So, I was super on edge. Not only that but I had the pressure seeping up behind me that I had to see 3 possibly 4 people that I didn't care to see. I say 3 of them, thankfully the 4th didn't show up. But, the 3 weren't that bad. We all stayed out of one another's way because its a mutual dislike if you will. The wedding went off without a hitch. I took photos and am glad of the way they are coming out. The only thing is I wish Steve would have brought Jace when I told him too so he could have been in the group photos. Lol. I do have a couple of him though. I was proud of my baby cousin for making this commitment and being, just beautiful. I love her so much.
This Mississippi trip was the first time I had been back since I started telling my story. I was wondering how it was going to feel. I always wanted to go see my family but always dreaded it because I hated the memories it brought with the trip. This time, I had no bad feelings with those things at all. I even took Steve by the house and yard I was raped in. I needed to do that to be sure I was fully over that and had closure from it. It didn't bother me at all. It was like driving by an unknown house and nothing ever happened. I also told him of another story while I was down that I hadn't told but one other person and I am still debating if I ever will. I probably will, I just have to get through it with my therapist first. It doesn't bother me in the way that the other things did but it embarrasses me more. I'm not sure why. I didn't make myself do anything. Someone else did. I guess we'll see.
As guests begin to get to my bridal shower on Sunday I was able to chat with a few of them while things were being finished. One of which was like a mother to me at one point and time. She had no idea the things I had went through and I don't even know how we got on the subject. It was very surprising to her to say the very least. And surprising that I do not believe in the things she does or that I did anymore. She still loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I'll become. I know this. It was like we picked up right were we left off. Anyway, the bridal shower kicked off and I must say I had an awesome time. Not a whole lot of people came and I was kind of glad because it gave me a chance to have one on one time with every one. It was nice. My sister in law, Tracey is the one who made it all possible so big props to her. My sister came the day of and was able to help a little.
The next day I went to my good friends house and visited with her for a while. It was nice to sit and chat. Of course, she asked me about my religion (or I guess you could say my lack of). Every one has questions when things like that are brought up and I don't mind answering them. Like I told her and have told every one else who has questioned me, just because I don't believe the same thing doesn't make me a bad person. I do great deeds for people, I help people in any way that I can and I love with all my heart. Of course there is always the question of me having an impact on the way Jace thinks about religion. Its true, there is some influence there as you are a parent but if he decides to go to church and things like that I will take him. I have no issue with this. In fact I will probably put him in a church mommy's day our program. Other than that I was able to talk to her mom more in depth about the things that happened to me that she had no idea about. She said something to me that I just can't shake. She told me if I had of came to her she would have fought for me. She would have tried to get me away from my dad and the things that he was doing. I was a scared teenager at the time. I tried to hide most of it. Even if I did tell her I knew how my dad was. He wouldn't have let it be like that. He would have done every thing he could to make my life miserable. I really do think that is what he does and does it on purpose. As a matter of fact on my bridal shower day he drove around the block of where it was being held. He has let his hair grow out into a pony tail, cut all of his facial hair off and all. This is the longest we have ever went without speaking. I've had the same number for years. He knows how to call but he refused to up until about a month ago (6 months since I had last saw or spoke to him) but I didn't answer. I have nothing to say to him unless its in person. I'm no coward anymore and will not back down from his words.
All in all I had a pretty good trip to visit my family and friends. I had a beautiful bridal shower and I loved getting to be a "princess" for the day. Lol. I loved my tiara. Ha.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Triggers
Sometimes when you are in a situation it triggers memories. Its not necessarily something bad happening but the trigger is there. Today as I watched my very beautiful 2 year old son play in his little kiddie pool at his grandparents house I had a vision. Well, several of them including water. I'm quite afraid of deep water. I can swim, I can actually swim pretty great. The scary part is still there though and I'll tell you why. When I was a little girl. I do believe it was at my Aunt Debbie's house (rest her soul) where I was swimming with all the other kids. My parents were drunk as were all of the adults there. My dad thought it would be funny to come grab me by my hair and hold me under. I honestly don't think he was trying to drown me but he almost did. I was panicking of course and me being so little I still remember it fully. Even if it was a joke to him, it wasn't for me. It scared me half to death and I have been scared of water ever since. I could never do Jace that way. I don't see how a parent could even let a thought like that cross their mind. Its just crazy to me.
I also remembered another incident while sitting there. I am not sure why this one came to me but it did. We were at my Aunts house again. There were quite a few people there including some strange man. My mom was carrying on a conversation with him to be polite of course because he was "new to the family group". This pissed my dad off. He started yelling and screaming and tried to fight the guy. So needless to say he yelled at us to all get in the car so we did. Very fast. When he was on these war paths as we called them we knew it was going to be hell. As we all got in the car my dad was driving like a maniac of course and accusing my mom of flirting and trying to get with that guy. He was yelling and screaming and she was trying to explain to him that she was just being nice and friendly to a new person that was there. He didn't care, he was jealous. He slammed on his brakes in the middle of the road and went to her side of the car and jerked her door open. He then started slapping and hitting her, telling her she was a married woman and a whore for flirting with this man. He finally got back in the car and drove all the way home driving like a maniac and cursing and screaming at her. I don't remember much after we got home. He was probably still calling her a whore and cursing at her. Probably even beat the crap out of her.
Yes, this is what we had to witness over and over again as young children. I could not ever imagine another child going through this.......
I also remembered another incident while sitting there. I am not sure why this one came to me but it did. We were at my Aunts house again. There were quite a few people there including some strange man. My mom was carrying on a conversation with him to be polite of course because he was "new to the family group". This pissed my dad off. He started yelling and screaming and tried to fight the guy. So needless to say he yelled at us to all get in the car so we did. Very fast. When he was on these war paths as we called them we knew it was going to be hell. As we all got in the car my dad was driving like a maniac of course and accusing my mom of flirting and trying to get with that guy. He was yelling and screaming and she was trying to explain to him that she was just being nice and friendly to a new person that was there. He didn't care, he was jealous. He slammed on his brakes in the middle of the road and went to her side of the car and jerked her door open. He then started slapping and hitting her, telling her she was a married woman and a whore for flirting with this man. He finally got back in the car and drove all the way home driving like a maniac and cursing and screaming at her. I don't remember much after we got home. He was probably still calling her a whore and cursing at her. Probably even beat the crap out of her.
Yes, this is what we had to witness over and over again as young children. I could not ever imagine another child going through this.......
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I've talked about this a lot.
I can't help going back over it sometimes. You know? For me I am free from all of the burdens and baggage that I had from my tainted childhood but of course the memories still remain. They always will, I do believe. I do get to thinking from time to time that if my dad hadn't been the way he was and treated my mom and us kids the way he did then I would have never gotten molested because my mom would have never left him. He was the love of her life and every one knew that. She catered to him all the time. It was sweet watching her sometimes. When there were good moments because you could tell she had more love in her heart than she knew what to do with.
Then I think well even after they divorced and I started spiraling out of control from being molested that had he of been there for my brother and I maybe my rape would have never happened. Maybe if he was there like a father should have been all of the bad things that happened to all of us could have been prevented. It wasn't though and we were/are left with the pieces scattered all around to try to clean up. For the most part my siblings and I have managed to put the pieces back together. How were we able to do that? By completely shutting our dad out. I didn't want to do that but he has shown his complete lack of respect and parenting to us over the past year that I would never want to have anything to do with him again. He doesn't deserve to be called a father. Not by me. He can be called daddy from someone else but it will never be me again. I let him have far too much control over my life and my thinking for far too long. I even hid certain parts of my personality from him. Because I knew he would judge me. He abandoned me for the last time.
He did try to call a couple of weeks ago. I didn't answer. After 6 months he decides to call. Yea, I don't think so. At this point there is nothing left to say. When I told him Steve and I were getting married he acted like a real dad for the whole phone conversation and was truly happy for me (so I thought). When I started my wedding planning I made sure to let Steve know I wanted to get married in MS so that no one in my family could have an excuse not to come. Its only 4-5 hours from them. I am driving 11 hours with a 2 year old. When I asked him if he was coming and walking me down the isle he says "why, to watch you get remarried". That was a low blow. It really was. Since then I haven't wanted him even at my wedding.
Of course I have my big brother. Who by the way is only a little over a year older than me. Lol. He is honored to be walking me down the isle. After all he calls me his baby girl because he is the one who took care of me and made sure I went to school every day when our dad was off doing his own thing for weeks/months at a time. Even though we had our issues and fought like enemies I wouldn't want anyone else to be walking me down the isle in October. My brother has changed. He is not the same person he once was. I am the proudest little sister ever. I am so happy and proud of him I just cannot say it enough. He means the world to me and for him to want to walk me down the isle means everything to me. I talked to his wife, Tracey, last night and couldn't help but cry while talking about him and how far he has come and how excited I was for him to be the one to walk me on my wedding day.
My dad is no longer invited to my wedding or invited into my life. I think its crucial for it to stay that way. If I let him back in it will just be like it always has been. He'll be there for a couple of years and then he will move on to the next best thing. Its better this way.
In October, the day before Steve and I exchange our vows we are going to have a little ceremony for our mother. We are going to scatter her ashes on the beach. She would want that. Its time to let her go so we can be free from that hurt of losing her and she can be free. I am looking forward to the spreading of the ashes and marrying my best friend the next day.
Life can be a beautiful thing, you just have to get past all of the bad stuff that has happened to you. I am surprised I have been able to get through all of this so easily but I am a woman with a ton of determination and did not want to let this define me. I am defining my own self and I am my own person. I choose to raise my son differently and break the cycle.
Then I think well even after they divorced and I started spiraling out of control from being molested that had he of been there for my brother and I maybe my rape would have never happened. Maybe if he was there like a father should have been all of the bad things that happened to all of us could have been prevented. It wasn't though and we were/are left with the pieces scattered all around to try to clean up. For the most part my siblings and I have managed to put the pieces back together. How were we able to do that? By completely shutting our dad out. I didn't want to do that but he has shown his complete lack of respect and parenting to us over the past year that I would never want to have anything to do with him again. He doesn't deserve to be called a father. Not by me. He can be called daddy from someone else but it will never be me again. I let him have far too much control over my life and my thinking for far too long. I even hid certain parts of my personality from him. Because I knew he would judge me. He abandoned me for the last time.
He did try to call a couple of weeks ago. I didn't answer. After 6 months he decides to call. Yea, I don't think so. At this point there is nothing left to say. When I told him Steve and I were getting married he acted like a real dad for the whole phone conversation and was truly happy for me (so I thought). When I started my wedding planning I made sure to let Steve know I wanted to get married in MS so that no one in my family could have an excuse not to come. Its only 4-5 hours from them. I am driving 11 hours with a 2 year old. When I asked him if he was coming and walking me down the isle he says "why, to watch you get remarried". That was a low blow. It really was. Since then I haven't wanted him even at my wedding.
Of course I have my big brother. Who by the way is only a little over a year older than me. Lol. He is honored to be walking me down the isle. After all he calls me his baby girl because he is the one who took care of me and made sure I went to school every day when our dad was off doing his own thing for weeks/months at a time. Even though we had our issues and fought like enemies I wouldn't want anyone else to be walking me down the isle in October. My brother has changed. He is not the same person he once was. I am the proudest little sister ever. I am so happy and proud of him I just cannot say it enough. He means the world to me and for him to want to walk me down the isle means everything to me. I talked to his wife, Tracey, last night and couldn't help but cry while talking about him and how far he has come and how excited I was for him to be the one to walk me on my wedding day.
My dad is no longer invited to my wedding or invited into my life. I think its crucial for it to stay that way. If I let him back in it will just be like it always has been. He'll be there for a couple of years and then he will move on to the next best thing. Its better this way.
In October, the day before Steve and I exchange our vows we are going to have a little ceremony for our mother. We are going to scatter her ashes on the beach. She would want that. Its time to let her go so we can be free from that hurt of losing her and she can be free. I am looking forward to the spreading of the ashes and marrying my best friend the next day.
Life can be a beautiful thing, you just have to get past all of the bad stuff that has happened to you. I am surprised I have been able to get through all of this so easily but I am a woman with a ton of determination and did not want to let this define me. I am defining my own self and I am my own person. I choose to raise my son differently and break the cycle.
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