Reminders.....

Just when you think you have it all figured out and nothing can bother you anymore, something jumps out and reminds you. Steve and I were shopping at Target the other day. He went to buy him a book since he is off work and hasn't really had much to do. So, I decided to get one as well. I decided to get A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard. I thought this book would give me more perspective and help me relate to someone who has been through some of the same things I had been through. I really thought it was going to help more. Well, I have been reading it for the past couple of days every chance I got. Which wasn't much. I got to page 55 tonight and I had to stop. I started crying and couldn't stop. I thought about all the abuse I endured. I felt awful for her to have to go through so much. I may have been sexually abused by three different men at different times but it was never over and over again. I cannot imagine what her young mind was going through. I know when I went though the molestation at age 11 I wanted to kill myself. I cut myself as often as possible to feel physical pain instead of the emotional pain I felt. She had to go through this for 18 years almost daily. Wow, just wow.

It opened a whole new can of worms for me tonight. Even though I feel I am still on the right track with my healing process I know I am not fully healed. If I were it wouldn't have gotten me so bad. I had to put the book away and I will not be finishing it. I can't. If I do I will cry the whole time and think about my situation. Not that I am feeling sorry for myself but its hard not to think of these things.

After I had my moment I heard Jace calling for me. He wanted me to come kiss him again. I almost broke down. I cannot imagine anything like that ever happening to my son. I have a lot of fear that surrounds him. I never want him to go through any of the things I had to go through as a child and young adult. I talked to my therapist today about my paranoia I have been having about something bad happening to my family or Jace. It has been taking over my mind. This is why she has been trying her best to get me in to see the new doctor. Which of course she did today. I go see him in October. I'm thankful for that. My OCD takes full control of my thoughts sometimes and its hard to handle. I'm just glad I am getting the help that I need now, while Jace is still young. By the time he is able to understand certain things I am almost certain this all will be passed me and I won't have to worry about any of it.

Have you ever felt like a lab rat?

That's what I am feeling like as of late. I know it takes a while sometimes for certain medications to work and for the side effects to wear off, but my goodness it ain't worth all of this. I was put on a new medication Thursday I believe. It was for my OCD because it was taking over my brain again and I couldn't put my worrisome thoughts to rest. So, I told the doctor I would give a try and honestly I did. I tried really hard. I wanted it to work, obviously. But, it didn't. It put me to sleep pretty quickly which was awesome. I slept through the night which was equally awesome. What was not so awesome is the next day side effects. Friday I woke up around 1PM I think and then went right back to sleep about 1:30PM and didn't wake back up until 4:30PM. When I did wake up I wanted to go right back to sleep but I couldn't because I had stuff to do. I felt like crap! So my MIL suggested the next night I cut the pill in half and take that. So, I gave that a shot. Same thing. Slept all day and felt like crap. Obviously after that I was done. I said forget it. So of course the past couple of nights I haven't slept well again. But I refuse to let what happened to me in April happen again. Although I am having sleep issues and dealing with my mom being gone and not going to be there to see me get married to my soul mate I am doing well overall.

I mean, my OCD is still there obviously and will continue to be until I find something that works for me and doesn't do weird crap to my body but I'll live with it for now. I lived with it this long, another few months isn't going to kill me.

On a much happier note. The wedding planning is coming together quite well. My dress is being altered currently by a great seamstress. Steve's wedding band came in today, mine should be here next week. My invitations are on the way. I've bought lots of things that we'll need for the wedding. I am feeling confident with everything that I am getting accomplished. I have 54 days until I say "I do" to my soul mate and I couldn't be happier!

Excited and heartbroken at the same time.

Steve & I getting married just got very real for me this past weekend. Its only 2 months away and I couldn't be happier to be finally marrying my soul mate. I love that man with my whole heart and I know that he is the person I was meant to be with. He completes me and is the most loyal, caring, and thoughtful man I know. I am very lucky to have him in my life and to soon be able to call him my husband.

On the other hand, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Why? My mom won't be there. We are doing something special for her and I know she will be there in spirit and hopefully looking down on me from somewhere. I know she'd be proud of me. I just know she would, but oh my goodness its so hard. Its really getting to me to the point of me crying at the thought. I'm trying to hold it in and not let it get to me but its hard.

Maybe this is the reason I haven't slept for two days. I'm having bad dreams, tossing and turning all night. As much as I think about the happy things to come and am truly happy, it creeps into my mind and I cannot help it. I so wish she was here with me, with us. I loved that woman so much. She would do any and everything for her kids and grand kids. Never was a better woman. Too bad she had to leave us so soon.

Well, that is it for now. I have been bottling this in. Its nice to get it out.

And, to my mama if she can see or hear me. I love you and miss you so much.