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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A new Doctor

I was scheduled to start seeing a new doctor on October 18th (my birthday by the way), but they happened to have a cancellation last minute today. They were able to put me in there. I had been have problems with my other doctor. I just didn't feel like she was listening to me. I knew that the medication she had me on wasn't helping and she kept trying me on new things. All in the same family so naturally they all had the same side effect. Remind you all this is the same doctor whose care I was under when I went into the hospital in April. Anyway, my therapist and I thought it was in my best interest to see the new doctor.

She told me before that people either love him or hate him. I admit I was kind of nervous before my appointment this morning because of that statement I really didn't know what to expect. As I walked in he didn't even look up at first just told me to have a seat. He was working on something on his computer. A few seconds later he looks up at me with a bright smile and introduces himself and shakes my hand. Ok, good start. Not so bad yet. He of course asked about my history and why I started receiving therapy in the first place. As I was talking to him I could tell that he cared about his patients. He listened to me very well and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I'd say he is a pretty good judge of character. It was like he could read me and read what I was thinking. He actually gave me a fist pump when I told him I was the only person in our immediate family who graduated high school. Lol. That was pretty funny.

He made a ton of good points. He told me I was very intelligent and this is why I am so aware of my problems. He says people with more intelligence knows what is going on with them and they are trying so hard to fix it themselves because they think they should be able to. But, they can't and this is why they need to seek help. Out of all the doctors I've met he is the only one that has not pushed medication on me. In fact, he is a psychiatrist but he wants to make sure people do not have to live on medication. That they are able to face their problems, get over them, and free without medication. I love that about him. I don't want to be on medication the rest of my life. I really don't. I know that I need them now because of my PTSD, OCD, and generalized anxiety but hopefully with his wonderful help and the help of my therapist someday I won't need them.

He read me like a book during our session. Like I said above he can read people. He just asked me about my past history. I told him of the two sexual assaults, the rape, and my dad being very abusive. After I tell him all of this he gives me a compliment. Tells me I am beautiful and intelligent. I put my head down and said thanks. He says "you can't take a compliment can you?" I said, no. Which has always been true. I never believe people when they give me compliments. He says its because I have been torn down so much in my life that I think I am one of them and I don't deserve to be loved. He said he was going to change my thoughts on that before it was over with. See! I love him already! He also gave me a piece of paper of a book he wants me to read before I come back. I like doctors who want you involved in your own care. I think this is just the start to something great and a great relationship between doctor and patient.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Learning to not feel guilty.

I've talked to my therapist many times about the guilt I felt over cutting my dad completely out of my life. I know it was a necessary part of my life and my healing process yet I had major guilt over it. As she told me on numerous occasions why should I feel guilty? He is the one who did all the wrong, not me. I was just to the point that I wasn't going to take it anymore so I had to let him go.

Anyway, his birthday was Saturday. It was also his one year anniversary to being married to his new wife. I felt guilty for not calling and saying Happy Birthday. I always have called. I didn't call him Father's Day either. In fact I have not talked to him since Christmas night. He has tried to call once and I didn't answer. It was already after months had passed. What would have been the point of answering anyway. We would have gotten into a huge argument because I am no longer afraid of him like I was when I was younger.

I don't know why I felt so bad about not calling him on his birthday. He didn't call Jace on his, nor my brother, my nieces, or nephews. He pretty much made the decision himself now that I really think about it. He decided to throw his family away yet again for another woman. Its just a different one this time.

Sometimes I just wish I had some normalcy in my childhood. Then, other times I am glad everything happened the way that it did. Otherwise, I would be a totally different person with a totally different outlook on life. I dunno. In time the guilt will go away, I know this. I just can't have him in my life. He can't taint my world any longer nor my son's. I refuse to let my son see what I had to see and feel the way I felt growing up and even part of my adulthood.