tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74701982275837773812024-03-13T08:15:45.189-04:00Sandy, Domestic EngineerSandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-17982779280532711352014-10-16T10:57:00.002-04:002014-10-16T11:50:42.223-04:0030 isn't old, It’s just a young mature.I have so many thoughts right now, I will try to get everything out in a somewhat coherent way.<br />
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I turn 30 in two days. The big 3-0! Ask me how excited I am......VERY! No, really, I am! 30 is just a number though, right? It is, but it has so much behind it for me, as weird as that sounds.<br />
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10 years ago I made the best decision of my life. I wanted a change, I needed a change. I knew what I wanted to do, but it took a pretty serious thing to "throw" me into that decision. It was made nonetheless. There was a promise made, to just myself, of course. I would leave the state of Mississippi and never return (of course I could visit what few friends and family members I still talk to). I knew I had to get out. At the time I had no idea what I was going to do once I left and I really didn't care. I packed as much of my belongings that I had left after a series of events that happened in my life months earlier. I crammed what I could fit into my little Daewoo (not sure if they even make those anymore). I went in to work that afternoon, found my supervisor at the time, and told him I was moving out of the state of Mississippi and would not be returning. I apologized for such short notice, but I had to leave, right then. He was very understanding, but wanted to make sure I knew that if I ever tried to get my job back the head person wouldn't let me work there again because I didn't give a notice. I assured him, that wasn't a concern. At the time I was scared to death. This is the job I worked so hard for. This is what I wanted to do with my life and I was throwing it all away. I had to get out though. My mind was made up. It was now or never. I got in my car and I drove the 5 hours from Vardaman, Mississippi to EL Dorado, Arkansas. Little did I know this was just going to be a short stop on the way to where I was going.......<br />
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My mom and sister were living in Arkansas at the time. I already knew where I would be staying, I just had to find a job. In the meantime I really enjoyed spending time with my mom and sister. I eventually got a few different jobs. None of them were really for me. Something was still missing though. Although I very much loved my mom and sister and being around them, I still felt stuck so to speak. Eventually, I decided to move to Louisville, Kentucky. Very scary thought to move to such a big city not knowing but one person. It is what I wanted though, and once I set my mind to something, I was going to do it.<br />
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While living in Louisville, it was really hard at first. I had no friends, it took me a few months to find a job. I won't lie, there were quite a few bumps in the road. Some pretty big ones. At the time I didn't know if I could get through it. I wanted to give up. During my first year and a half living here, I got married, my mom died, my grandmother died, my ex husband and I got a divorce, my uncle was murdered. Every one of these happened within a few months of each other. I was already a basket case from things that happened to me when I was younger, so these things really threw me over the edge. It was a real struggle, but I never gave up on myself even though, at times, I wanted to. During this time I also had a job. One that I loved. I would NEVER take the time back that I worked for Stepping Stones from 2006-2009. I met some of the most amazing people and developed some life long friends. Most of the people I very first started working with, we are still friends. Always will be. I honestly don't know what I would have done without "my family" as I like to call them.<br />
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During my time at Stepping Stones, I met Steve. At first, it was just a little crush and I was attracted to him. As I kept getting to know him more and more, I fell in complete love with this man. He was unlike anyone I had ever met before. The way he talked, walked, conversed, etc. It was very intriguing. Anyone who knows Steve, also knows he doesn't open up very easily. As time went on, he opened up more and more to me. We talked about things that neither one of us had talked about with anyone else, we shared some of our deepest thought. I was head over heels. Things were not always easy for us. Although we have always gotten along and rarely argue, it was tough. He was working full time, I was working full time, and he was going to the University of Louisville at the time to get his degree in Engineering. Lots of hard work and late nights. In the midst of this very hectic schedule, I found out I was pregnant. I won't lie, I was scared to death! How could it be that I had been told for years that there was no chance (0) that I could EVER get pregnant. Here I was, pregnant, and afraid. What was going to happen? Was Steve going to walk out on me because his schedule was already too full. Its not that I didn't have faith in him and our relationship, but it was scary. After all, I had a lot of people walk out on me. People that was supposed to love and care for me. I always had a cloud hanging over my head, thinking when I got to close to someone, they were just going to walk out and leave me like every one else had. Steve never left my side. He was just as scared and I was, but we were both extremely happy. I couldn't believe that I had this amazing man standing by me, and then to top it off I would be having a child. Something I never thought possible.<br />
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The past 6 years of my life have been the most amazing. Throughout my life, I have always doubted intentions of others, doubted myself, just doubted every thing in general. As crazy as it sounds, I never thought I would see 30. I know I wouldn't have if I stayed in Mississippi.<br />
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You see, even though I've never been to college, I'm not rich, etc, doesn't mean I don't feel accomplished. Its good to have some of those things, but I don't need it or have a want for it. I have my happily every after. I have the most amazing husband a girl could ever ask for, I have a beautiful, loving, caring son, I have a house, I have a job that I love, I have a family that I love dearly, and I have some pretty freaking amazing friends. There is nothing really that I could ever ask for. I am right where I was meant to be. It took me a while to get here and I had to go through a lot to get here, but I have arrived.<br />
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Bring it on 30! :)Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-8014249446229961762014-07-07T14:33:00.000-04:002014-07-07T14:33:00.403-04:00Obsessive thoughts.....I've not written in a while, again! I know, I know. But, really there hasn't been much to write about. As most of you already know. I was discharged from therapy a while ago as I was doing so well, and to be quite honest had nothing else to talk about. I've worked through all of my feelings of the things that happened in my past. I stopped seeing my psyc doc because I wanted to wean myself off of the medication I was on. I wanted to feel again. It was a very LONG process, but I finally did it. With that comes the real feelings that I wanted so badly to feel again. Don't get me wrong, I am better and the past no longer bothers me. I am doing pretty great, considering. I haven't had a vivid dream/nightmare for some time. So, that is great.<br />
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The problem, the obsessive thoughts have come back. And, in full force. There are many techniques I can use to try to rid myself of these thoughts. They don't work very well for me though. What works for some, doesn't work for others. I've found myself obsessing over the silliest and stupidest of things. Things I wouldn't be able to control anyway, if they were even actual problems. Which, they are not. So, friends and family, please bare with me while I try to get through the obsessive stage of this mess. After all that is part of the PTSD and OCD.<br />
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I do believe that some it has to do with the stress of buying a new house and dealing with the loan company for so long. Can it be over already?! I am so ready to move into our beautiful new home. I know it takes a while and I didn't expect it to happen over night, but it just feels like it is dragging out FOREVER. Once we move and get settled and the stress of that is over, I believe that some the of obsessiveness with calm down.<br />
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With all of that being said. Friends and family, like I said, please be patient with me. When I go through these things I tend to shut people out. I really don't do it on purpose, but really? Who wants to be around a downer. I know I sure wouldn't want to be. I don't even like being with myself and my thoughts right now as it is. I promise nothing has to do with any of you all. So, if I get to where I am not calling you or coming by to spend time, don't take it personally. I always need that time to myself to sort through the thought processes that are going on in this silly brain of mine.<br />
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I am more than positive that in no time I will be just fine and dandy, once all of the high stress is gone and we can move forward......Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-9964699465614267602014-04-27T23:17:00.000-04:002014-04-27T23:17:42.813-04:00Graduated and discharged....First let me say, wow. Its been almost a year since my last post. With good reason, of course. Things have been going pretty darn good in my life, our life. So, nothing to write about. I know most people get annoyed with all of my facebook posts. That's ok. I don't mind. Lol. I am happy and I like the world to know that I am happy. Don't like it, so be it :) At the end of the day I don't have to be around you, I get to be around the people who are responsible for my happiness.<br />
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I will start by talking about one of the people that puts a few smiles a day on my face, Steve. I am so very proud of all he has accomplished. I would have never thought that we would be where we are right now. He has literally been in school the entire time we have been together. He worked full time jobs and went to school full time for the past few years. I know it has not been easy on him. We have definitely seen each other at our worst. We both made it out though and have so much to be thankful for at this point. Who knew when we started our journey together that we would have a son in the midst of all our chaos, we would get married, and start living our happily ever after? Steve means the world to me, and it I have to remind him of that on a daily basis now, I will. He deserves it! He deserves all that and more for everything he has accomplished.<br />
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As far as I go, I have been doing great. I had my moments, and still have a little moment every now and then. But, I am doing great in comparison to how I was doing. Life sometimes throws us huge curve balls and if we have never been taught the skills on how to catch them, they can sometimes make a person have a meltdown. I am so very thankful for the support system that I have had the past couple of years. I could not have done it without you guys. I could not have gotten through what I had to deal with when I first started therapy and I surely wouldn't have gotten through what I was going through a few months ago. I know I am not the best friend these days and have started to put myself first. For those that know what I am talking about, I am sorry, but it had to be done. I am not being selfish. I have to take care of me though. If I don't, I won't be any good for my own family. If you don't quite understand that logic, I am sorry.<br />
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Also, I have done great with keeping the people away in my life that was causing all the pain. Again, maybe people think I am cold, mean, and a down right bitch. I am totally and 100% fine with that. There comes a time in your life that you have to let the people in your life who cause you so much cloudiness go. They are detrimental to your health. With that, I guess its been close to 3 years since I have spoken to my dad. I still have nothing to say to him and don't think I ever will. When someone cannot admit when they have done something wrong, or just apologize for what they have done then they have no truly changed from what they were. I've heard so many sob stories and I honestly do not feel sorry for him. He did this to himself. I didn't do it. I blamed myself for years over the things that happened to me. Maybe I did something wrong to cause all of those beatings. Nope, I did not. I was a pretty good kid. I did some bad things in my teen years, yes. But, I was a good kid and I didn't deserve the hand I was dealt by him. If he cannot acknowledge what he did all those years where wrong, I don't have anything to say to him. If he continues to deny he ever did all the things we've accused him of, I still have nothing to say to him. I blamed myself for years for the abuse he handed out, I blamed myself for the time I was molested by moms ex boyfriends brother, I blamed myself for getting raped at the age of 13 at a friends house. It wasn't my fault, it was theirs. I didn't do anything to influence any of them to do what they did to me. It took me this many years to figure it all out. I did though, with the help of my wonderful therapist, my wonderful, amazing husband, and a few good friends. Like my therapist said from the beginning "A burden shared, is a burden cut in half." I never knew how much that phrase would carry me, but it did.<br />
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This year I will turn 30. I cannot tell you all how flipping excited I am for this milestone in my life. Call me crazy if you will, but if you had to walk in my shoes you would understand completely. See, maybe I have never graduated from a college. Maybe I don't have the highest paying job in the world, maybe I have accomplished much in my life. That is all ok because I am 100% happy with my life, everything and everyone in my life. The things that I have accomplished probably seem irrelevant to most. I've done what I set out to do many years ago. I was the only one in my immediate family to graduate high school (at the time that was a huge deal for me). I also did exactly what I said I was going to do. I left. I left Mississippi. I left the place that still causes me some pain every time I visit. I had quite a few bumps in the road after I left, but I am here now and I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. I worked hard to get to this point and I deserve to pat myself on the back for it.<br />
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I had my very last therapy and doctors appt on Thursday. They discharged me. They call it "graduating." Either way, I am done with it. I've made all the progress I can possibly make. I've talked every thing that was wrong with me, out. There is nothing left to talk about because I am great. Its one of the best feelings in the world. Now, all I that is left to do, is to continue to wean myself off of my medication.<br />
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For all of my readers: Thank you all very much for reading my posts throughout the years. You all helped me in the process. I am forever grateful. If you are reading my blog for the first time, go back and read some previous posts. You never know, it could help you with something you have been dealing with. Its helped others. Peace!Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-54225602641444338412013-08-31T21:06:00.002-04:002013-11-19T15:20:31.687-05:00FrustrationAs most of you know from seeing my facebook status the other day, I was <u><b>NOT</b></u> happy after my appointment with the doctor. <br />
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First of all they scheduled me to see the doctor at 3:45PM and then the therapist at 4:00PM. Only a 15 minute time frame to get to my therapist. Well, of course, as usual the doctor was running behind so I said I would come back at a later date to see my therapist since it was 4:30 by the time I saw the doctor. No big deal. That didn't even upset me. I knew I needed to see the doctor though because I have felt withdrawn, depressed, and just plain angry lately. I know what it is, I don't have a PhD. I'm no doctor but I know me and I know my body. My medication has ran its course. Its not working! I don't know how many times I have to tell these people this!!!! I know there are some hiccups along the way with all medication, but for me to be on a certain medication for<u> <b>TWO</b></u> years and I still feel the same way half the time then the crap isn't working and I need something different/better. So, after I finally talk him in to trying something else (remind you he kept me on the same two medications I was already on, just added a new one to the mix) we moved on to a different conversation and this is where I got extremely pissed off.<br />
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He asked me where I was working now so I told him. No big deal. Well, he first proceeds to tell me that I am working on the wrong side. The WRONG side? What??? Are you kidding me?? I'm working on the damn right side! At least I am not sitting my fat ass at home daily doing absolutely nothing. I am working and helping to take care of my family. Then, he asked me who I was living with? Really? He already knows this crap. Of course I live with my husband whom I love dearly and my son. Now, oh now. He asked me what my husband did for a job. I told him he was a Civil Engineer at "such and such." He then had the nerve to ask me why am I even working then?!<br />
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I was absolutely livid at this point! My blood was boiling. I AM WORKING TO HELP GIVE MY SON THE BEST LIFE WE CAN! What does he expect me to do? Quit my job to just sit at home? Why shouldn't I have a job to help my husband with the bills? Why shouldn't I work to help put my son through preschool which he needs? Why shouldn't I work so I can help put food on the table and clothes on our backs? I almost told him I wouldn't have to work if he didn't take all my damn money with his appointments and if he didn't think I should be working then give me some of that damn money he was making off giving people piss poor treatment. Ridiculous!<br />
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I really can not tell you guys how pissed off I was after this appt. I'm hoping Steve's job doesn't end so I can get some good insurance. That way I can go to a regular doctor, give him my medical records and try to find a good course of action so I don't have to go back to this doctor. Lets face it. I can't stop taking the medication I am on. I've tried. The withdrawals are so bad I feel like I am going to die. Severe vertigo, shakes, tremors, nausea, vomiting, headaches, night sweats, etc.<br />
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Well, that about sums up my facebook post the other night. I still stand by what I said too. Stop giving money to the mental health professionals to medications that can have such bad effects on your body and legalize marijuana! Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-8973709353100744912013-08-27T22:41:00.001-04:002013-11-19T15:21:56.313-05:00WithdrawnI really cannot pin point the date, but I have noticed I've pretty much withdrawn myself from most people. I honesty did not intend to do that nor do I want that. I love my friends and my family. It's just with working full time and having a family you really don't have a ton of extra time. Besides, you all probably have shit loads of things to do and people to take care of as well.<br />
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I wouldn't trade my beautiful little family for anything. I love them so much. They are my whole world. So, believe me, I am not complaining.<br />
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It's hard to have the energy to converse with people now a days. I guess maybe its because I am married and a mom. I feel like I don't have anything interesting and fun to talk about except Steve</div>
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and Jace. And, as much as I know most of you love and care about Jace and Steve as well, you all don't want to hear about them all of the time. </div>
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I guess what I really want to say through this blog is this. If you've felt neglected by me, or felt I wasn't there. I'm truly sorry. I would love to be everything to everyone, you all should know that about me by now. </div>
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Now, I will say this. I have distanced myself from certain people as of late for the simple fact we are two worlds apart and I don't want to hear or be involved in drama every time we talk. It's pointless and my nerves can't handle all that mess. </div>
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I'll finish with this. Just know I love you all and even though we don't speak, I think of you all often. </div>
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PS. In a few weeks I am going to start a compilation of photos and stories to go along with them (no, I'm not starting my photography business back). This is just something I thought of and thought it would be super cool. Stay tuned, I may just need your help ;)</div>
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 16px; line-height: 20px;"><b><i>Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. –John Maxwell</i></b></span></div>
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Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-49029927624026127932013-07-06T22:35:00.000-04:002013-11-19T15:23:12.349-05:00I'm extremely lucky....I really am. Sometimes when things aren't going the way we want them to its because there is a different plan in store for us. I know things will always work out the way they should. I'm just an anxiety driven person, which of course I try to work on. Things have to be planned in advance or I am completely thrown off and to be matter of fact it makes me act like a bitch.<br />
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Anyway, I really am lucky. I have the most amazing husband. He loves me, he understands me, he is there for me when I have meltdowns, he is a good daddy. He is just an all around great guy. I couldn't have found a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I found my true soul mate and know he is the one that was put in my life for a reason. Everyone else in my life has tried to mold me into a person they want me to be. Steve loves me for me. My crazy goofiness and all. Then, there is Jace. Ahhh, beautiful and funny Jace. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Don't get me wrong he gets in trouble a lot these days, he's three soooo I guess that comes with it. But, I wouldn't trade any of this for what I had before (thinking having a child was physically impossible for me). I got lucky when I became a mommy and embraced it from day one even though I was in total shock and scared half to death. Ha.<br />
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I am very fortunate to have the few great friends that I do, and that I know I can count on for anything that comes my way. We may not talk as much or we may live hundreds of miles away or a few miles away. But, I do know who I can count on.<br />
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To some I may not be much but I am me and the best me I can be. I've overcome a ton of obstacles in my life. From birth up to a few years ago. It takes a toll on you and you don't realize it most of the time. I'm really glad that I decided to get help more than a year ago. It helped me find my inner self. I had already found my voice (hahaha) but I needed help letting feelings out when I felt things were not fair to me. This has helped me tremendously.<br />
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Next week opens a whole new chapter for our little family. Jace will start preschool for the first time on Tuesday. I am actually really excited for him. I can only hope that he will do great, I am sure he will. It may take a little adjusting but I have all the faith in the world for my little guy. I'm happy for him and happy he will have this. One of the great things is, the preschool is right next door to my work so that will put me at ease as well.<br />
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Now that Steve and I both have jobs the future is looking a bit brighter. Things will come as they may. With me working full time now, I decided it would be best for me to close my photography business. It wasn't a hard decision for me. For those that know me well, know that my family means the world to me and I will do anything necessary for my family to be together and happy. With the job and both of us working first shift and not getting home until 5:30PM each day. Well, that wouldn't give us a whole lot of time together much less trying to get sessions in and completed in a timely manner. I'm happy with my decision. Its been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.<br />
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Peace, Love, and Happiness!Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-49340950174297166442013-07-03T22:31:00.001-04:002013-11-19T15:23:57.975-05:00ComplainingEveryone does this, right? I don't have an issue with people complaining every once in a while, heck I even do sometimes. It's all good. But, for Pete's sake I am so sick of hearing and seeing the same people complain about every aspect of their lives! It's driving me nuts. It's like ok, yes you have a valid complaint but look at what else is around you. Not what could have or should have been! I'm tired of the complainers who choose to do nothing about their life situations. Make better choices, be more vigilant. It's really not that hard. Really, it's not.<br />
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Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. If they do then good for you. You have people on your team. Until you start showing you are trying to change your outcome I don't feel sorry in the least bit for you. Man or woman up and do what you have to in order to survive. </div>
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I've had a ton of things happen to me, do you see me over here complaining that I am the most miserable person on earth? No! Because I am not. I love my life and the thing that taught me to be different. You always have a choice! You either stay in it or let it go and move the hell on. </div>
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Rant over. </div>
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Peace! </div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-3297940203614100782013-06-19T00:41:00.001-04:002013-11-19T15:24:55.612-05:00InsomniaInsomnia and migraines have taken over my life the past three days. I'm sure it has something to do with me not getting the job I so desperately wanted. And, of course, the anxiety that goes along with feeling like a failure and not being good enough for a job. It really sucks the emotional toll that can take on one's self esteem. Oh well, gotta let it go and move on to see if I can find something else. It's just so frustrating. It's like you want to help provide for your family and you can't. It's just not happening. I know it will take time but its been long enough already. I'm ready to be ahead and on top again.<br />
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I mean everything isn't bad. Steve supports me and was there when I just broke down about not getting the job. It just took me back to feeling like a failure and that I was not good enough. I know in time I will find a job and one that I love but in the mean time this shit really blows. </div>
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The migraines are taking a toll. No sleeping, no appetite, face and jaw hurting all day. Will it end? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? I sure as hell hope so. </div>
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Peace. </div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-1337464863287020272013-06-06T00:21:00.001-04:002013-11-19T15:26:30.705-05:00Thoughts, mind racing...Thoughts continue to creep into my mind. I'm feeling like I am sinking again. I know I'm not. Let me reiterate, I am more than happy about my family life with the family I still talk too, I'm happy with my husband (he's pretty much the best and my backbone), and my happy go lucky son. Although, it had been rough lately. He's been a bit of a beast. Just disobeying in general and not listening to a word we say. Am I not doing it right? I feel like I have tried everything and it still doesn't work. He has an outgoing personality and plays to the beat of his own drum. I don't know what to do. For the most part he is the sweetest, most loving child with tons of personality but he has these moments or days when he refuses to listen to anything we say. So, continuous time outs. Then, I feel guilty and feel like I'm not doing the right thing.<br />
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Anyway, other than that I am so super stressed about getting this job. I would love to hurry and know something, either way so I can go from there. I know I need a job. These days both parents need to work. We want a bigger house, we want a great new SUV, we want to both be stable in jobs. We want to take Jace on so many adventures. Then the bomb drops on me yesterday. Steve finds out his job could end sooner than we originally were told which was September 1st. Now, it's the end of July with them saying "it might be extended." This means absolutely shit to me. It either is or it isn't. Either way, I want a job. I really do but now I feel even more stressed knowing Steve's job could end at any time. This shit literally sucks. Now we must wait, wait, wait. The both of us. </div>
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We would absolutely love to have another child. But, gosh. It doesn't seem to be in the works for us. We are both getting older. We can't find good, stable jobs, we obviously would need a bigger house as stated before but I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world without being prepared this time and being in a good spot in careers and actually being able to take care of them ourselves without the "system." It's frustrating. Who even knows if I can have another child? I don't, the doctors don't. But, I can't get the care I need without insurance. I can't go through testing for it or even get rid of the things that are wrong with me now because let's face it, we can't afford it. </div>
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Oh well, I guess for now we must wait....</div>
Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-30237089637741162062013-05-31T23:25:00.002-04:002013-11-19T15:27:22.523-05:00Dear Parents,As I sit back and watch the world turn to shit day by day, I ponder on what life will be like for my son when he is older. This has been a problem for a while but I am noticing it more frequent these days. Parents who don't give two shits about their kids or the way they present themselves in public. Its a shame really. I hear people all the time say "America is going to shit". Blame it on politics, blame it on video games, TV, or whatever makes you feel better at the end of the day.<br />
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Its not all of that. Yes, some of it could be but you need to parent your kids. Teach them early how to be respectful, how to look presentable. Teach them that life is more than looking pretty or showing your body off. Everyone has the potential to do something with their lives, they need their parents to guide them though. If you didn't want kids but ended up with them anyway, so what, grow the hell up and deal with your kids. Its no longer about you! Its about your kids and making sure they are a productive member of society when they grow up. <br />
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I didn't think I could ever have a child. I did. I put my big girl pants on and made sure to put all of my wants on the back burner and try my best at teaching my child manners and how to be respectful. Is he always good? Not at all! He has the worst days sometimes but guess what, I try to teach him how to handle those emotions and feelings. I don't just let him sit in misery all day, I don't just let him do whatever the hell he wants.<br />
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Please, for the love of all humanity! Parent your children!!! We have all been through things. My childhood was about as fucked up as it gets. But you know what? I dealt with it, I owned it, I got through it. I broke the cycle of abuse and violence, I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't pity myself and I sure as hell am not selfish and just focused on me. My son comes first, disciplining him comes first, manners and compassion all go hand and hand. <br />
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So, get your head out of your asses and raise your kids! <br />
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End of rant. Not all of this was about the little girls I saw today. I just see so many parents right now with pre-teens and teenagers letting their kids wear, do, and say whatever they want. Its sickening. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-87052593887703319292013-05-05T13:48:00.000-04:002013-11-19T15:28:52.269-05:00Holding my ground.Its been well over a year since I spoke to my father. Its not been easy to let go of someone who helped create me but as I know and some of you from reading my blogs, it was for the best. When I was near him, I was afraid still. Like the little girl I was so many years ago, finding the perfect hiding spot so no one could find me until I was ready to come out. Although I didn't hide this time I just cut him out. Not only did going around him make me on edge because you never knew when he was going to flip out but he also had a way of making everything your fault. Like he did nothing wrong during my childhood or over a year ago.<br />
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I won't sit here and lie and act like its been all peachy. The guilt I had to get through to make the decision to cut him out was almost unbearable. I would think to myself, why in the world do you feel so guilty after all he made you go through when you were growing up? Well, he was still my dad. That didn't change anything. Even though he did everything he had in previous years I forgave him and wanted a relationship with him. I thought we had made progress but he fell into his old ways again and I couldn't be around it. Not just for me but for Jace, my son. I knew not what to do with my child. I broke the cycle. Who knows what the future holds for Jace and who knows how he will be when he gets older, but it was important for me to get the people out of his life that had negative connected to them. Maybe people think I am wrong for turning my back on my family. But, you have to remember, when a family is as dysfunctional as mine is, you kind of have no choice.<br />
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The only family that is regularly in our life is my brother, sister in law, sister, nieces and nephews. That is all I need and its all Jace needs. They love us unconditionally, they love us without wanting something from us. They just love us.<br />
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Every time I begin to let a guilty feeling into my mind, I have to think. What has any of these people done for me? When the answers are more negative than positive the guilt goes away. I don't NEED people, especially family to do anything for me. I am just stating that everything in my life with my family has been negative until I decided to put my foot down and stop it. I got to where I am on my own with help from no one. Maybe some people think I haven't done much with my life. Well, if you read my blog posts then you know where I came from and where I am now. I got out, I changed my life and path. I have broken the cycle of abuse for my family. I have been to countless hours of therapy, making that decision on my own so I can make better decisions for MY family, I've retrained my mind to turn negative energy into good, I have stopped my anger outburst since my father has been out of my life. I was becoming the same person he was. Bitter and angry for what I had to go through in my life. The endless physical abuse, the two molestations, the rape. All of it was affecting my outcome. I couldn't do that.<br />
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Anytime I have people in my life now which is mostly friends except my sister, brother, and their families I don't let their negativity bother me. I did, but that was something I had to work through as well. Cutting those people out was imperative to my inner well being. I don't cut them out to be some mean, rude, bitch. But, for my own insanity and not to subject my son to such madness.<br />
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I've had people take up for the one's who caused so many problems in my life. As a matter of fact I have one person on facebook who is friends with my rapist and they are a family member. Although, I have never said a name nor will I ever because I am through that, you would think they would know what kind of person this is. Oh well, if they want to be friends with this type of person then that is their business, but it won't be mine to keep them.<br />
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With all of this said, just because you choose to still have communication with this abusive person, my father, doesn't mean I have to. You know what he has done and was still doing yet you continue to let him in your life. So be it. Let him bring you down, he will eventually. As mean as I may be made out to be I really don't care anymore. When people ask about my parents I let them know my parents are no longer with me. My mom has been gone (RIP) for over 6 years. I just tell people my dad is gone too. After all, I consider him just a sperm donor now as he put us/me through so much hell. He does not deserve the title of father or dad. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-18653831848523028172013-04-30T22:54:00.001-04:002013-11-19T15:30:40.372-05:00I refuse to give up! I am a true fighter!That title statement really says it all. I am not a quitter. At one point in my life I always said I "can't" do this and I "can't" do that. I am not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, good enough. To hell with that! I have fought my whole life to get to where I am exactly right now. I won't give up now.<br />
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There has been a lot that has happened since my last blog post and I am not sure why I have waited so long to write again? It calms me, duh! That is what I do, yet I abandoned it. Anyway, we were on a good streak for a couple of weeks. Steve got and started his new job, then we all got sick for over a week each. That set us back some and its super hard taking care of a sick 3 year old when you are sick yourself but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Got over all that croupy, upper respiratory mess finally. <br />
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Thursday, the 19th a man tried to break in the house on Jace and I at 9AM. I was doing my usual routine. Turned Max & Ruby on the TV for him and headed to the kitchen to fix his breakfast. I was in there about 3 minutes when my poor child let out this blood curdling scream, then my ADT alarm sounds. I run to the living room to grab him and see if he is hurt. That was my first thought. Not even paying attention to the alarm or my surroundings. Then I looked over and I saw it, my front door was open and Jace was pointing to the door screaming "man, coming to get me." I ran straight for the bedroom, not for the phone but our gun. If someone was in my house I would handle it better before the police got there. Luckily, where our front door is there is a little nook there where we keep the treadmill pushed in so it doesn't take up too much space. The bastard didn't get any further because of that. Had he have gotten further he would have left with an extra hole in his body. Now, when it comes to my child I will fight to the death with someone. He is my everything and I never wanted him to experience anything like this in his young 3 year old life. I, myself, already have extreme PTSD along with all the other issues from my abusive childhood. Even though nothing more happened he is still suffering from the after effects. He wakes up all night long. Then he whispers "man" in my ear most nights. We both took a nap today because he was up every 30 minutes last night and neither of us had sleep. When we woke up he was in a cheerful mood. We sat on the couch to get awakened and watch an episode of Curious George when all of a sudden a loud truck zooms by. The child literally scratched me up trying to climb up me so fast, all the while look at the front door. By this time he is screaming "man coming to get me." At this moment I hugged him as tight as I could without him seeing my face with tears streaming down my cheeks and telling him nothing is going to get him. Mommy is here to protect you. He literally would not leave my side until about an hour or more later and he finally went and played in his room a bit while I cleaned and started dinner. It just pisses me off so bad that someone would violate my family like this. I have already had to live a screwed up life before I moved here. I never wanted my son to have to face fears, not at this age. Not like this. If I knew the guy and could find him and face him, he'd regret he ever tried to break in my house. My son will now be scarred from this for a while and it makes me sad. Hopefully, as the weeks go by he will start to forget about it. For now, I just have to keep reminding him that mommy will protect him. And, I will. At all cost!<br />
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Monday, the 29th. I got a phone call about 9:30 or after. I was half asleep but it was somewhere in there. I saw on the caller ID it was Manpower (the temp agency for St. Jude). I honestly didn't know what he was calling for until I answered. I thought maybe I needed to go in early or something. When I answered the guy I have dealt with said "Sandy, I have some bad news for you." Tears immediately started to fall because I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. He said your job has ended at St. Jude and my world literally fell apart. I called my MIL first and I couldn't stop crying and I don't even know if she understood half of what I said to her in that moment but gosh I couldn't believe it. The best job I have ever had, the most fun I have ever had a job, the most I have ever felt that I was helping in a big way. Then, its ripped from me like a family member. That is what it was like. Grant it I only worked there 6 months but I LOVED it. It was MY job and I would have stayed there forever! I had told several people if it came down to working for St. Jude or setting my camera down forever it would be an easy decision for me. I would have put the camera down and worked for St. Jude. Now, I didn't get fired for anything I did wrong. I did nothing wrong at all and was a great asset to the company. I know this. Its just the whole center is closing and with myself and my fellow pal that went through training with me were temps we got the boot first. But, the whole center will shut down on June 28th and this is sad news. Some people have been there 15-20 years. I know if I loved it within the 6 months I worked there and was as devastated as I was then they must be feeling it 10 times worse and I am sorry for them. It makes me sad. With all of that being said. I feel things could have went differently. But, I will never stop believing in St. Jude. I love their mission, I love what they stand for and most of all, I love what they have done for my friends kiddos. My friend Samantha's little girl Emilee had ALL and she is now cancer free thanks to St. Jude and I know she is so very grateful for St. Jude.<br />
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<b> During Treatment</b></div>
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<b> In remission</b></div>
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This little girl is why I wanted to work for St. Jude so bad. Her mommy and I have been friends since before kindergarten. I can rest and lay my head down easily right now knowing that I did the best I could and recruited as many fundraisers as I could to help save more lives like Emilee. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had working with such an amazing group of people and for such a great cause. <br />
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Now, its back to square one for me. I've looked at several jobs already. I have some already wanting me. I could go back to photography full time but I don't know if that is truly where my passion is. Just speaking the truth here. I want more. I am driven. I want to be out there. I want people to know my whole story. I want to speak to at risk youth. I want to go back to school. But, for now that is all on hold. I have to let Steve's job fall where it may as well because his job ends in September. So, for now. We wait. Well, not me. I figure out what dead end job I want to work until he can find something permanent. We must let the cards fall where they may. <br />
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Out of all the bad stuff that has happened, I have gotten a huge out pour of love from friends and family that knew how much I loved my job. I love you all for that and it was so sweet and overwhelming for you all to thing of me in such the light that you see me in. I am forever grateful for all of you who truly do love me and care for me. I know the ones that are for me. I found that out through all of this.<br />
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In the end I know it will all be ok and I will end up where I am supposed to be. For now, I am still shocked and its only been day two and I miss my job like crazy.Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-73971561756021414142013-02-19T13:55:00.001-05:002013-11-19T15:31:40.727-05:00Therapy with SteveToday was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take. <br />
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Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have). <br />
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I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family. <br />
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Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had. <br />
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Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me. <br />
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As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know. <br />
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The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br=""> <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</3>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-65733764888374310882013-02-09T00:35:00.000-05:002013-02-09T00:36:08.867-05:00Been debating writing about this.I've had some serious anxiety over writing this blog and and posting it for the world to see. But, after all the purpose for me continuing was for the world to see what's its like living with all these things that are wrong with me. Please do not judge me. I was in a bad spot and I don't need anyone preaching to me. <br />
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Monday I was in a very bad spot. I don't know what happened or came over me. I guess it was part of the disease I have. I don't really know. It was my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until 12:45 PM. I wasn't sleeping though. I was wide awake and had barely slept Sunday night. I have this weird thing where I have visions of things happening. I haven't had this happen in a long time though. I've had a few nightmares but no visions. I visioned I was working and my supervisor tells me I need to call home immediately. I log off of my computer and call Steve. When I called, Steve told me I needed to get home right away. Jace choked on something and he wasn't breathing, that the paramedics where there. I left everything at my desk and ran as fast as I could to my car, drove as fast as I could to my house. When I got here, there were firetrucks and ambulances. They told me "ma'am me did everything we could to revive him". His throat was even split from them trying to get whatever was in there out. My son was gone. Never to come back again. I lost it. I really, really lost. it.<br />
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Even though this did not happen. In my mind it felt real and I had a feeling it was going to happen. I event made sure to remind Steve when I left to make sure he watched him close when I left for work that day. My co-worker tried to say hi and talk to me and I just started crying. I kept crying in my cubicle. I had to keep going to the restroom because I kept crying. I thought something was going to happen to my son. <br />
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On my way home. I pulled over in a secluded area. Just to think and try to cry it out. Even though it was just a vision it was so real to me. Sitting there in my car, I had my medication with me. I thought about swallowing it all. I wanted to. Was very tempted. Because rationalizing this in my mind, I just knew something was going to happen to Jace and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a calmness come over me. Like I couldn't hear anything. Not even the sound of my breathing. I was ready to go, I wanted to go. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. The PTSD, OCD, GAD, and now found out I have depression in addition. I just wanted it all to end But, he was still here. I saw that beautiful photo my friend, Laura took of Jace on my phone screen as I checked it and I drove home. I came home and gave him the tightest squeeze and the biggest kiss.<br />
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Let me say this. I've always thought this. I think when you have kids especially that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. But, now I can understand why some people do choose to end their lives that deal with some of the same issues as I do. <br />
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I could not bear to leave my son motherless. After all, look at all the issues I have had with my own mom's death and I didn't lose her until I was 22. I would have left behind an almost 3 year old. I had a lot of guilt over this as well. That's what got me the 2nd and 3rd day. I saw my therapist on the 3rd day. Didn't tell Steve until the 2nd day and as I told him, he had tears in his eyes, not knowing what to do or say to ease my pain. As I was still in the midst of my crisis. I later asked him if he would just go to one therapy session with me to listen in. He didn't have to talk because we don't need therapy. We are good in our relationship. I just need him to know how to handle me and learn about the diseases I have. He agreed in a heartbeat and I knew right then and there he was in like he said, for better or worse.<br />
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I had my therapy session on the 3rd day which was Wednesday and of course I still had a ton of guilt over wanting to rid myself knowing that I have child that loves me very much and vice versa. I cried most of the session. Was afraid that they were going to think I was crazy and send me away. Was afraid if I told anyone they would say something. It was just the fear of people judging me and thinking bad of me. I had a bad moment. Not a bad life. Even though I have over come so much, I will still have issues. Always will have some issue. And, that is the way it is with these diseases. Thankfully, my Therapist had me call the nurse right then and let her know what was going on so they could put me on something for the depression since she said that is what I am going through. I have a ton going on and am super stressed all the time right now. <br />
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Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I have been lately. My anger issues are out of control. I told my therapist I just can't get a handle on it. I haven't been mean to Steve or Jace or Family but if someone crossed me and pissed me off just right I would just snap on them and not even care. I've tried a lot of things to control this. I am currently working with her to work on this as well. <br />
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I assure you all I am fine now, except the anger part ;)<br />
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Let me tell you, I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Kristin Hix, she is fabulous. I cannot believe how much our friendship has grown in the amount of time we have known one another. I really do consider her a great friend and she was there for me through this whole thing. I felt like she was the only one who would be able to understand what I was going through. She did too and was able to talk to be and talk me through certain things. Not going into to much detail as her story is hers to tell on her own but she has had her fair share of issues so she kind of knew exactly what I was going through and feeling. I love you girl. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life and to have our friendship. You are a gem of a friend and I am glad I found you.Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-12059198580395794162013-02-04T22:30:00.001-05:002013-02-04T22:30:51.664-05:00The many faces.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am happy with my life. Let me start by saying that. The name of this blog post comes from the many faces that I show. You would never know if I didn't tell you that I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I can tell you, its not a fun roller coaster to be on. I have to try harder than the average person to be "normal" on a day to day basis. Its hard. Then, one little thing can tear you down and tear you to shreds. Not ever knowing that something is sneaking up on you. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well. I had nightmares practically all night. Woke up several times and checked on Jace because I thought something was going to happen to him. My mind races and then wonders, and then thinks something is going to happen. It was my day to sleep in today. I didn't do much sleeping back there laying in bed. I cried mostly. I cried thinking about something happening to Jace or something happening to my family. When I finally managed to crawl out of bed (I don't feel good anyway, I'm sick), I just felt all out of sorts. I was on the verge of tears all night. Even when a coworker asked me how I was doing I almost burst into tears. I later had to take a pause from photo calls and go the restroom and cry my eyes out again. When I got home. I hid away a few times and cried some more. I'd be lying if I said I weren't right now. I can't help it. I know people have more issues and worse issues than I do, I know that. I am not feeling sorry for myself at all. But, this shit just isn't right. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit if my dad would have given two shits about his kids but he didn't. I know I am not him, I know I act nothing like him. But just being bred by him disgusts me. Being raised by him disgusts me. Maybe when he is dead and no longer on this earth it will help some of these feelings. Maybe it won't. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.<br />
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I also fell like I carry or I must carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to do things for everyone and be there for everyone and some of my friends jut don't get it. I can't always be there. I have a family and I have a life too. I am sorry that I can't be up your ass 24/7 but I just can't. I love my friends (a very few of them) like my family, but just because we don't always talk doesn't mean I don't think of you.<br />
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I am beyond stressed right now. Still not promised a job with St. Jude. Waiting on a final decision from Memphis, Steve cannot find a job, Jace is potty training one day and the next he is peeing every where, I don't make enough money, I can't afford the bills, Steve is working on his Masters while he can't find a job. Its just all so over whelming. Its killing me. I feel like I am just going to snap on someone one day (not the kinda snap you see on TV, I'm not that damn crazy. I just need some me time. I need some time alone. I need to not worry about everything. I need to keep my mind focused on work and my family but I can't. Not having all the fucked up shit that is wrong with me. The medication I guess doesn't help with that. And, please for Pete's sake don't anyone try to give advice because the last time I checked I don't have any doctors on my damn friends list. I exercise. I've tried meditation. I can get enough sleep. I take medication. I go to therapy. I AM TRYING!<br />
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<br />Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-2375560935541852222013-01-13T22:51:00.002-05:002013-01-13T22:51:30.695-05:00You never knowAs I sat in my therapy session the other day, my therapist asked me the usual how are have you been question. Then, how were the holidays.Of course it was all fine. I had a fantastic Christmas and New Year.<br />
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I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.<br />
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So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.<br />
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I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life. <br />
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It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-33730509435775341652013-01-05T22:10:00.001-05:002013-01-05T22:21:36.441-05:00ThankfulAs we were driving down the road today to our friends house and Jace was singing to the music I had playing, I realized just how lucky I am.<br />
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I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through. <br />
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Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.<br />
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Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.<br />
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For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.<br />
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My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much. <br />
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Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.<br />
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Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-61348610867384850332013-01-03T22:16:00.003-05:002013-01-24T23:08:08.665-05:00My head is going to explode. I have tried to keep my cool all day. I really have. Ran into some issues this morning and I swear if I could have gotten through that phone this morning I would have choked a few people. I've noticed people are giving a shit less about one another. I mean, were is the compassion, love, sincerity? Its non existent (well, most of the time). I've been trying hard for so long to keep my anger in check and I have been doing a fairly good job at it. At this point I just feel like there is no more holding back. People are pissing me the hell off. I know, I know. We control how we handle things but damn, do people have to make it so hard to be nice to them.<br />
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Not even to mention what my piece of shit sperm donor has pulled lately. By the way he has tried to call me once, the first of December. First time in a year. Of course I didn't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He called my brother bitching, asking him why I don't talk to him anymore. See, this is what he does. Its a pattern. The funny part is. I have always been the forgiving one. The one who took his side when he pulled his shit and tried to talk my sister and brother into talking to him. And, to try to understand him better. Gah, was I a fucking fool! I should have just left and ran away when I had the chance, then I wouldn't have had to live through the hell he put me through and maybe I would be a little less angry! Anyway, after that he decided to sent me and Jace a card in the mail. For Christmas. I started to put return to sender on it but opened it for shits and giggles. It only pissed me off worse. Oh, don't get me wrong. The card "to his daughter" was quite a beautiful card with the nicest saying on it. Then he writes "I wish you would call me, or tell me why you won't talk to me". Ha! Seriously! Hmmmm, let me think. Because you are a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself and when you get a new woman in your life you drop your kids like a bad habit! Fuck off!<br />
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This man makes me angry. More angry than anything in this world. To top it all off he did something he shouldn't have and I won't say because I want to protect the privacy of another family member. But, its sorry as hell you can't be there for your own family when they are in the middle of a fucking crisis. You can't drop your new family to help your "old" one that wouldn't affect your life that much! Not even to mention that you have been going around buying fucking pills! I bet your precious wife doesn't know about that! Go ahead. Stay hooked on your pills, hide shit from your wife, wait for her to leave you and then try crawling back to your family. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BUDDY!<br />
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Besides all of this. It really pisses me off when people email me and ask me to do photos for them for dirt cheap. Not only for them but for their entire family. Um, hell no! I am worth more than that. I have to pay bills and survive just like the rest of you. So, people want me to spend all my time photographing their special moments with their families to be away from mine and pay me nothing. Ha. That's fucking hilarious. I don't work for free and when I do its for a good cause and its because someone has touched my heart. Not just because you think you are entitled to "cheaper" photos or that I am "way too expensive". If that is the case I can send you to someone who is dirt cheap whose photos look like shit. How about that?! <br />
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I will end by saying this. I am tired of petty people. I won't tolerate any of you, anymore. If you deleted from my friends list you will know why. I am tired of the dumbness, the constant postings on facebook that say if you love Jesus hit like, if not you like the devil. Seriously, that's just fucking dumb. I don't mind that you believe, doesn't bother me a bit. But, you post that or oh praise the lord he is so good to me and so on and so fourth and then the weekend rolls around and you are in photos throwing up your gang signs, smoking doobies, and drinking with next to no clothes on. Find some clothes and take care of your damn kids instead of partying every night of your life. Teach some real values.<br />
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Well, I guess that is all I have to bitch about for now. Stay tuned for more rants in the future. I will be sure not to disappoint.<br />
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PS. For the love of all humanity, if you do not agree with anything I have said. Do not like my use of profanity, or I have offended you then get the hell off my page because I don't care to hear about it! Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-71873045477295969822012-12-17T22:10:00.000-05:002013-01-24T23:09:09.868-05:00MedicationI really hate medication. I have been on so many since February. But I have been on Clonazapam the entire time. Why? I have no clue. Its not helping me. In fact, I started biting my nails again!!!!! I haven't done that in freaking years. Nasty. Even until they bleed so obviously its not helping. Its been 1 MG twice a day then he finally upped it to 3 last month. Has it helped? Nope. So you know what my hard headed self did? I said screw it. I threw it away. Its been about 4 days now and the withdrawals are starting to kick in. I refuse to keep paying for something that isn't working for me though, if doctors would listen to their patients more and helped them when they said its not working maybe that would help. I've always been on 30 MG Paxil which I am no longer taking as well. <br />
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These withdrawals are killing me though. Whew. Headaches, nauseous, head spinning, dizzy. Hopefully, it won't take too long for it all to get out of my system. I go to therapy in the morning. I will be telling her and cancelling all future sessions with the actual doctor for medication. I've been on a ton of medications since February. I am tired of taking them. Some do funny things to me, some make me not function, and others don't seem to do a thing so I am stopping them all. I will just have to deal with it like before. They haven't had me on OCD meds in months anyway. So they weren't helping with that either. Just my anxiety and sleeping and that's not been helping either. Every time I go back, they say the same thing.. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-52054025914705575112012-12-08T23:44:00.001-05:002012-12-08T23:44:10.713-05:00Letter I want to send to my father. I have to write this down. If not its going to eat away at me and well, I just can't have that to be honest. I won't let him run me anymore. I won't let his lies and deceit affect my behavior anymore. So with this letter, I am letting go. Once again. Who knows if I will actually send it. I have people telling me I should and others telling me I shouldn't. <br />
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Dear Bobby,<br />
I am writing this letter to you to clear up some things that I believe have been over looked. First, I guess I will respond to the most recent incidences since you don't seem to get it. You say that you have no idea why I am not talking to you. Hmmm, look around. Maybe you will figure it our. Oh wait, no you won't because you can never admit to any wrong doings. But, we will get to that later. When you got married I was so happy for you. I was happy you moved on and found someone you loved and that loved you back. I supported you 100 % and you know this as I told you this from the get go. I told you how happy I was with you. It started getting a little weird for me when every single time I called or you called, you had to have the phone on speaker so your new wife could hear our conversations. That is very odd to me. No one has to listen to every phone call unless they are jealous of something. I let that go though because I wanted to keep my relationship with the only parent I had left. The next thing that happened was Steve asked me to marry him. You had been waiting on this for so long. You loved Steve and was happy for us before but I guess you were wrapped up in your own happiness to be happy for you own kid. When we set a date and I asked you to walk me down the isle your exact words were "You want me to walk you down the isle for SECOND marriage?" Of course I did. I wanted everything to be right this time as the last time 2 months after my marriage momma died. This is why I planned it for Mississippi. So YOU could be there and be a real father and walk your daughter down the isle to marry her soul mate. But, you couldn't do that now could you?! You had to question everything. You said you couldn't leave your wife's mentally challenged brother and mother behind. That's fine. You could have came yourself. I even said that and you said you couldn't leave your precious wife. I mean was she really going to be that bent out of shape for you to come to YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!!!!!!!! It was just another excuse for you not to be there for me at a time in my life where I wanted you there, like always. So, instead of sending you an invite I asked my brother to walk me down the isle and fill that spot as he is the one who took care of me while you were off with all those whores for weeks at a time. With no money, and no food to eat.<br />
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That brings me to my second point. When you took us from our mother because she was dated a black man you said it was better for us this way. So that she didn't rub her "lifestyle" off on us. Then when you brought us home I was 12 and Charlie was 13. You didn't give a crap about what happened to us. You didn't even stick around long enough to see the issues I was having after being molested. Which you later admitted (when I was 23) that you knew something like that happened to me. Yet, you do absolutely nothing! You continued to leave Charlie and I at home alone with no money or food while you where off with your whores and partying around but yet wanted us to be good Christian role models. Took our TV, radio, cards, and everything away. We had NOTHING! Because of you! During this time I was raped. Guess what, Bobby? That would not have happened if you had of been home taking care of your kids like you should have been! You took us from our mother acting like you could protect us better, but instead you left us worse off than we were. And, don't even get me started on the whole claiming to be a child of God. You claimed all of this, yet left us, abandoned us, smoked pot, got drunk, went to jail, and all during this time. Instead of being the father you were supposed to be, you were nothing more to us than someone we were terrified of when you were home and not boozing it up.<br />
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After years of doing this to us you finally settled down with a woman. I don't have to say who, you know who I am talking about. Which by the way took 3 more years away from our mom because she believed that we shouldn't see our mom because she was married to a black man and in God's eyes that was wrong and we shouldn't be subjected to that. But, what the hell did she have to do with it. Looking at it now, look at her kid. How bad is he? 10 times worse than we ever were. Yea, that's what her thinking gets you. Yet, you took her word and took us away and kept us away for a damn woman. From a woman that used you to do her handy work that she didn't know how to do. For a woman that refused to marry you again. For a woman that refused to sleep in a bed next to you. This is what you did. For another WOMAN. See a pattern here yet?<br />
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During all of this time, I cut myself, I tried to kill myself, I had sex to get attention. What was the point in saving myself. I was fucking raped for crying out loud because you weren't there!!!!!!!!! Really, tell me. What was the damn point? There was none. I had wished so many times that you were right when momma had me at the hospital and you claimed I was not your child. I hoped and hoped that and when I believed I even prayed you weren't my dad. I prayed it was a mistake. That way I could cut ties and be done with you. But, unfortunately for me. You are the person who gave your sperm so I could be born. <br />
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I am so glad to be a part of this wonderful world but you will never hear me refer to you as my dad or my father. You are not that to me as you have never been one. Not only to me but your THREE other kids as well. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned that I will NEVER subject my son to someone such as yourself who only comes and goes at their convenience and that I will NEVER be the type of parent you were. After all, you weren't one. Even when you tried you failed miserably. Maybe it is because its how you were raised as well. But, we all have a chance to change and break the cycle. You didn't even try to do that. I have broken the cycle and for this reason I wish to no longer speak with you or have any other communication with you. With the help of my therapist I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer have either of my parents. I miss momma like crazy and wish she was still here but there is nothing I can do about that. I can't say that I miss you because if I did I would be lying. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of the next time you might snap. I don't have to worry about that any longer. You are no longer welcomed in my life or my families life.<br />
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Sandy Hurst<br />
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***Sorry so long guys. I just had to get it out. Even if I never send it. It had to be said. Thanks for reading. I love all of you that take interest in reading my blogs and supporting me through this life journey. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-43159041867583385472012-11-29T00:09:00.001-05:002012-11-29T21:21:51.497-05:00Why should I hide any part of myself?I shouldn't. As I sat and talked to Steve today about this I couldn't help but think, so what?! Who cares what other people think about me and the decisions I make. I hid my entire childhood, my rape, my molestations, and all from the world until February. I was tired of hiding behind it. Having outburst of anger because I was keeping it bottled in. What good did that do me? None at all. As Steve lay in bed watching me get ready for work this afternoon we talked about why I hid the way I felt about religion and Christianity. My reason? I was scared that I would lose friends or clients. If I lose friends and clients over what I believe in then that is their fault, not mine. Number one, they would be losing a great friend because I am a damn good friend and I know I am. If I lose clients, so be it. In the end, I will know who I am and what I stand for. I will be glad that its out there and I don't have to hide it anymore. Its my choice. We all have our own freedoms. We all have a right to choose what we want to believe.<br />
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With that being said. Yes, I was once a Baptist. I attended church every Sunday morning and evening, on Wednesday and whenever there was a special event. I am now a non-believer. Yes, you saw right. The correct terminology there would be I am atheist. For those of you who do not know what that means let me insert the definition. Atheism is the lack of belief in a deity, which implies that nothing
exists but natural phenomena (matter), that thought is a property or
function of matter, and that death irreversibly and totally terminates
individual organic units. This definition means that there are no
forces, phenomena, or entities which exist outside of or apart from
physical nature, or which transcend nature, or are “super” natural, nor
can there be. Humankind is on its own.<br />
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I get questioned all the time when a friend finds out. It doesn't bother me at all when people question my "non-belief" or even when they say they will pray for me. I don't argue with people about this. Its my own opinion. Its what helps me sleep at night. Its what helps me get through. IT IS WHAT I BELIEVE. I don't have one single atheist friend that I know of. So its not due to that. All of my friends are actually Christian and we don't discuss it much. They have their beliefs and I have mine. People can still be friends with different opinions. If a person is a true Christian though they won't turn their back on me no matter my lack of faith or not. We will see though what my friends list drops down too. I am completely ok with that. I have made my decision to stop hiding behind it.<br />
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For those wondering about Jace. I have had several friends "preach" to me about Jace. Well, first of all. He is MY SON. Last I checked, I birthed him. No one else did. Steve and I choose to raise him the way we see fit which means not pushing religion on him. When he gets old enough to make that kind of decision on his on, then I hope he makes the decision right for him. If he wants to go to church you bet your ass I will take him to church, anytime he wants to go. If he becomes a preacher one day, you bet your ass I will be at every sermon. It doesn't mean I have to believe it. Because I don't. I have my reasons.<br />
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People take tragic life events and go one of two ways. They either get closer to their God or become a non believer altogether. I chose to not believe. Because this God that people speak of that works all these great miracles wouldn't let things happen to me or anyone else that happens. But, they do. If he is so powerful, why can't he end the pain, the hunger, the hurt? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want an answer to it. I don't want a debate about it. At the end of the day/night, whatever. I will still believe what I believe and you will still believe what you believe.<br />
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So many nights I laid in my bath tub with 6+inch cuts on myself trying to take my own life and get away from the hurt I was in. Laying in a pool of blood screaming to a god that I once believed in to take my life and let the suffering end already. I had enough. Although I am thankful to still be here and have the life I have now, it wasn't for a god. It was for MY persistence and MY hard work. <br />
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I will say I do believe in miracles, but probably not the miracles you do. I believe my son was miracle and a gift from my mother (wherever she may be) as she knew I was hurting and needed someone to fill her spot and love me the way she did. That happened for me and I haven't looked back since.<br />
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I hope to not lose friends or clients over this post or over my non belief but if I do, I am ready for those consequences. It has to be told sooner or later. I figure the sooner the better. Its time to stop hiding and tell people how I really feel. With all of that being said-To my Christian friends (which is probably 99% of you) I love you all and I am glad you have something to believe in and I am thankful that you don't push things down my throat. I am thankful that even though we have different views we can still be friends. And, to those of you that choose to end our friendship-That is ok. I won't hurt over it. It is your decision to make.<br />
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Goodnight.<br />
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Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-52111181345030167582012-11-20T23:09:00.000-05:002012-11-21T00:21:23.908-05:00Something that helped me.I am going to start this blog with a song/video. Please watch and listen. I am sure most of you have seen this video and heard this song a million times. But, this time really listen and watch. Because, it might have been a while since you last heard it. <br />
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The kids in that video were me. I went through most of the things they did. I wanted to run away so many times. I knew if I did though my dad would hunt me down and there wasn't much telling what he would do. I was fearful of him more than I was of the potential of getting hurt in the world. Isn't that a shame? Its crazy, really. So many times I saw what those kids saw. When I was younger this song helped me get through a lot of bad and crazy times in my life. Although, I do still cry when I hear and see the video I honestly believe it helped me. It gave me hope. Even though I didn't run away, it gave me hope that someday I would be out of all the pain I was in. There would be no more beatings of my mom, there would be no more beatings for my siblings and I, there would be no more sexual abuse for me, there would be no more trying to end my life. I would someday be happy. Even through all the pain, tears, fear, and every other emotion I had. I still had hope that maybe, just maybe someday I would get out of all of that and live a normal, happy life.<br />
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Thanks to this song, and a lot of coincidences along the way. I am were I am supposed to be. I am a mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old little boy who has an untainted love for me as I do of him. I have a husband that has supported me every step of the way. He has had to deal with a lot of issues from me. Especially, my nightmares that I used to have. Mine weren't normal. I could feel the rape over and over again in my sleep. When I would wake I was in pain (down there). They were real, to me. It was happening nightly. I couldn't sleep. I could barely function. Yet, he still loved me. Even when I almost (accidentally) killed myself taking too many sleeping pills and was in withdrawals for over a month. He was there. He was never mad at me. He talked to me, he tried to help me though as best as he could since he never had a basket case (that is what I called myself) to deal with.<br />
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I guess what I am trying to say is. If there is anyone out there that reads my blogs and feel you are alone in something you are not. I am here. I will listen to you, if you need to call me and cry. Do it. I will be there for you. I was one of the lucky ones that got out. Not until I was 18 but I got out. I managed to bring my life back to normal. I got through it with help from friends and then therapy that started in February. I only wish my mom were here to see the woman I have become. I may not be great to most or the most beautiful but my mom would have thought so. She would have been proud that I have changed my whole life. She would be proud of how I am raising my son, and she would love Steve for loving me even with my many flaws. I may not be a religious person, but I am a good person and would do anything for anyone. She would be proud of that.<br />
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I just want to close and say I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and take a minute to be thankful for the things you have and where you are in life. You are there for a reason. Love to you all.Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-67161987150796765652012-11-13T23:14:00.003-05:002012-11-13T23:14:58.647-05:00I just realized I haven't written in a while. Since September to be exact. I am doing great with my new doctor. I love that he gives me a few months supply of my medications so I don't have to go back and spend all my money. Medication is alright. I think I am going to have to have them up my dosage though because I can feel some stuff coming back. My OCD definitely hasn't went away and since all the meds they put me on for that didn't work, they haven't tried another. When I go back this month I am going to try another one hopefully. I need it. Its affecting me again and I can tell. Steve is noticing too so that's what turned the light on for me. <br />
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Anyway, since September as some of you know Steve and I got married. Yay! Doing my happy clapping over here. I am so glad to call my best friend, my husband. He means everything to me. We had an awesome time staying at the beach a whole week and having the small wedding made it even better!<br />
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There is a photo for you all to enjoy. I haven't gotten them all back yet so this will have to do for now. The wedding day was very stressful as I know all wedding days are. I was finally glad to start getting my hair and make-up done at 4:45PM. Then I knew it was on. It was go time. The officiant got there and came to talk to me. As soon as she said when "your brother walks you down and you place your flowers on your mothers chair" I started bawling my eyes out. I mean come on, at least gotta have one good cry right. It was so special for me to have my brother walk me and to have my moms photo on the first seat for us to give her a flower.<br />
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The night before we got married we took my moms urn to the pier and spread her ashes. It was time to let he be free. My sister has been living in a crazy roller coaster of a world since our mom died almost 7 years ago. She knows this and I have told her this. I told her many times just because she lost her mom doesn't mean her kids had to lose theirs. She may have been there physically but she definitely wasn't there mentally. I'm optimistic about her future and hope that she can close the chapter in her life. We will never forget our mother and she will always be a huge part of us. But, it was time for my sister to let go. She wasn't in that box anymore. She is either in Heaven in you believe in that, or floating along among the beautiful stars. Either way, I know she can see us and is very proud of all of us. <br />
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<br />Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-74425199243333379882012-09-20T23:12:00.001-04:002012-09-20T23:12:12.155-04:00A new DoctorI was scheduled to start seeing a new doctor on October 18th (my birthday by the way), but they happened to have a cancellation last minute today. They were able to put me in there. I had been have problems with my other doctor. I just didn't feel like she was listening to me. I knew that the medication she had me on wasn't helping and she kept trying me on new things. All in the same family so naturally they all had the same side effect. Remind you all this is the same doctor whose care I was under when I went into the hospital in April. Anyway, my therapist and I thought it was in my best interest to see the new doctor.<br />
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She told me before that people either love him or hate him. I admit I was kind of nervous before my appointment this morning because of that statement I really didn't know what to expect. As I walked in he didn't even look up at first just told me to have a seat. He was working on something on his computer. A few seconds later he looks up at me with a bright smile and introduces himself and shakes my hand. Ok, good start. Not so bad yet. He of course asked about my history and why I started receiving therapy in the first place. As I was talking to him I could tell that he cared about his patients. He listened to me very well and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I'd say he is a pretty good judge of character. It was like he could read me and read what I was thinking. He actually gave me a fist pump when I told him I was the only person in our immediate family who graduated high school. Lol. That was pretty funny.<br />
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He made a ton of good points. He told me I was very intelligent and this is why I am so aware of my problems. He says people with more intelligence knows what is going on with them and they are trying so hard to fix it themselves because they think they should be able to. But, they can't and this is why they need to seek help. Out of all the doctors I've met he is the only one that has not pushed medication on me. In fact, he is a psychiatrist but he wants to make sure people do not have to live on medication. That they are able to face their problems, get over them, and free without medication. I love that about him. I don't want to be on medication the rest of my life. I really don't. I know that I need them now because of my PTSD, OCD, and generalized anxiety but hopefully with his wonderful help and the help of my therapist someday I won't need them. <br />
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He read me like a book during our session. Like I said above he can read people. He just asked me about my past history. I told him of the two sexual assaults, the rape, and my dad being very abusive. After I tell him all of this he gives me a compliment. Tells me I am beautiful and intelligent. I put my head down and said thanks. He says "you can't take a compliment can you?" I said, no. Which has always been true. I never believe people when they give me compliments. He says its because I have been torn down so much in my life that I think I am one of them and I don't deserve to be loved. He said he was going to change my thoughts on that before it was over with. See! I love him already! He also gave me a piece of paper of a book he wants me to read before I come back. I like doctors who want you involved in your own care. I think this is just the start to something great and a great relationship between doctor and patient. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7470198227583777381.post-70811220224960000132012-09-03T16:41:00.001-04:002012-09-03T16:41:24.452-04:00Learning to not feel guilty.I've talked to my therapist many times about the guilt I felt over cutting my dad completely out of my life. I know it was a necessary part of my life and my healing process yet I had major guilt over it. As she told me on numerous occasions why should I feel guilty? He is the one who did all the wrong, not me. I was just to the point that I wasn't going to take it anymore so I had to let him go. <br />
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Anyway, his birthday was Saturday. It was also his one year anniversary to being married to his new wife. I felt guilty for not calling and saying Happy Birthday. I always have called. I didn't call him Father's Day either. In fact I have not talked to him since Christmas night. He has tried to call once and I didn't answer. It was already after months had passed. What would have been the point of answering anyway. We would have gotten into a huge argument because I am no longer afraid of him like I was when I was younger.<br />
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I don't know why I felt so bad about not calling him on his birthday. He didn't call Jace on his, nor my brother, my nieces, or nephews. He pretty much made the decision himself now that I really think about it. He decided to throw his family away yet again for another woman. Its just a different one this time.<br />
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Sometimes I just wish I had some normalcy in my childhood. Then, other times I am glad everything happened the way that it did. Otherwise, I would be a totally different person with a totally different outlook on life. I dunno. In time the guilt will go away, I know this. I just can't have him in my life. He can't taint my world any longer nor my son's. I refuse to let my son see what I had to see and feel the way I felt growing up and even part of my adulthood. Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18419022991509130359noreply@blogger.com0