Frustration

As most of you know from seeing my facebook status the other day, I was NOT happy after my appointment with the doctor.

First of all they scheduled me to see the doctor at 3:45PM and then the therapist at 4:00PM. Only a 15 minute time frame to get to my therapist. Well, of course, as usual the doctor was running behind so I said I would come back at a later date to see my therapist since it was 4:30 by the time I saw the doctor. No big deal. That didn't even upset me. I knew I needed to see the doctor though because I have felt withdrawn, depressed, and just plain angry lately. I know what it is, I don't have a PhD. I'm no doctor but I know me and I know my body. My medication has ran its course. Its not working! I don't know how many times I have to tell these people this!!!! I know there are some hiccups along the way with all medication, but for me to be on a certain medication for TWO years and I still feel the same way half the time then the crap isn't working and I need something different/better. So, after I finally talk him in to trying something else (remind you he kept me on the same two medications I was already on, just added a new one to the mix) we moved on to a different conversation and this is where I got extremely pissed off.

He asked me where I was working now so I told him. No big deal. Well, he first proceeds to tell me that I am working on the wrong side. The WRONG side? What??? Are you kidding me?? I'm working on the damn right side! At least I am not sitting my fat ass at home daily doing absolutely nothing. I am working and helping to take care of my family. Then, he asked me who I was living with? Really? He already knows this crap. Of course I live with my husband whom I love dearly and my son. Now, oh now. He asked me what my husband did for a job. I told him he was a Civil Engineer at "such and such." He then had the nerve to ask me why am I even working then?!

I was absolutely livid at this point! My blood was boiling. I AM WORKING TO HELP GIVE MY SON THE BEST LIFE WE CAN! What does he expect me to do? Quit my job to just sit at home? Why shouldn't I have a job to help my husband with the bills? Why shouldn't I work to help put my son through preschool which he needs? Why shouldn't I work so I can help put food on the table and clothes on our backs? I almost told him I wouldn't have to work if he didn't take all my damn money with his appointments and if he didn't think I should be working then give me some of that damn money he was making off giving people piss poor treatment. Ridiculous!

I really can not tell you guys how pissed off I was after this appt. I'm hoping Steve's job doesn't end so I can get some good insurance. That way I can go to a regular doctor, give him my medical records and try to find a good course of action so I don't have to go back to this doctor. Lets face it. I can't stop taking the medication I am on. I've tried. The withdrawals are so bad I feel like I am going to die. Severe vertigo, shakes, tremors, nausea, vomiting, headaches, night sweats, etc.

Well, that about sums up my facebook post the other night. I still stand by what I said too. Stop giving money to the mental health professionals to medications that can have such bad effects on your body and legalize marijuana!

Thoughts, mind racing...

Thoughts continue to creep into my mind. I'm feeling like I am sinking again. I know I'm not. Let me reiterate, I am more than happy about my family life with the family I still talk too, I'm happy with my husband (he's pretty much the best and my backbone), and my happy go lucky son. Although, it had been rough lately. He's been a bit of a beast. Just disobeying in general and not listening to a word we say. Am I not doing it right? I feel like I have tried everything and it still doesn't work. He has an outgoing personality and plays to the beat of his own drum. I don't know what to do. For the most part he is the sweetest, most loving child with tons of personality but he has these moments or days when he refuses to listen to anything we say. So, continuous time outs. Then, I feel guilty and feel like I'm not doing the right thing.

Anyway, other than that I am so super stressed about getting this job. I would love to hurry and know something, either way so I can go from there. I know I need a job. These days both parents need to work. We want a bigger house, we want a great new SUV, we want to both be stable in jobs. We want to take Jace on so many adventures. Then the bomb drops on me yesterday. Steve finds out his job could end sooner than we originally were told which was September 1st. Now, it's the end of July with them saying "it might be extended." This means absolutely shit to me. It either is or it isn't. Either way, I want a job. I really do but now I feel even more stressed knowing Steve's job could end at any time. This shit literally sucks. Now we must wait, wait, wait. The both of us. 

We would absolutely love to have another child. But, gosh. It doesn't seem to be in the works for us. We are both getting older. We can't find good, stable jobs, we obviously would need a bigger house as stated before but I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world without being prepared this time and being in a good spot in careers and actually being able to take care of them ourselves without the "system." It's frustrating. Who even knows if I can have another child? I don't, the doctors don't. But, I can't get the care I need without insurance. I can't go through testing for it or even get rid of the things that are wrong with me now because let's face it, we can't afford it. 

Oh well, I guess for now we must wait....

Therapy with Steve

Today was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take.

Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have).

I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family.

Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had.

Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me.

As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know.

The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br="">