30 isn't old, It’s just a young mature.

I have so many thoughts right now, I will try to get everything out in a somewhat coherent way.

I turn 30 in two days. The big 3-0! Ask me how excited I am......VERY! No, really, I am! 30 is just a number though, right? It is, but it has so much behind it for me, as weird as that sounds.

10 years ago I made the best decision of my life. I wanted a change, I needed a change. I knew what I wanted to do, but it took a pretty serious thing to "throw" me into that decision. It was made nonetheless. There was a promise made, to just myself, of course. I would leave the state of Mississippi and never return (of course I could visit what few friends and family members I still talk to). I knew I had to get out. At the time I had no idea what I was going to do once I left and I really didn't care. I packed as much of my belongings that I had left after a series of events that happened in my life months earlier. I crammed what I could fit into my little Daewoo (not sure if they even make those anymore). I went in to work that afternoon, found my supervisor at the time, and told him I was moving out of the state of Mississippi and would not be returning. I apologized for such short notice, but I had to leave, right then. He was very understanding, but wanted to make sure I knew that if I ever tried to get my job back the head person wouldn't let me work there again because I didn't give a notice. I assured him, that wasn't a concern. At the time I was scared to death. This is the job I worked so hard for. This is what I wanted to do with my life and I was throwing it all away. I had to get out though. My mind was made up. It was now or never. I got in my car and I drove the 5 hours from Vardaman, Mississippi to EL Dorado, Arkansas. Little did I know this was just going to be a short stop on the way to where I was going.......

My mom and sister were living in Arkansas at the time. I already knew where I would be staying, I just had to find a job. In the meantime I really enjoyed spending time with my mom and sister. I eventually got a few different jobs. None of them were really for me. Something was still missing though. Although I very much loved my mom and sister and being around them, I still felt stuck so to speak. Eventually, I decided to move to Louisville, Kentucky. Very scary thought to move to such a big city not knowing but one person. It is what I wanted though, and once I set my mind to something, I was going to do it.

While living in Louisville, it was really hard at first. I had no friends, it took me a few months to find a job. I won't lie, there were quite a few bumps in the road. Some pretty big ones. At the time I didn't know if I could get through it. I wanted to give up. During my first year and a half living here, I got married, my mom died, my grandmother died, my ex husband and I got a divorce, my uncle was murdered. Every one of these happened within a few months of each other. I was already a basket case from things that happened to me when I was younger, so these things really threw me over the edge. It was a real struggle, but I never gave up on myself even though, at times, I wanted to. During this time I also had a job. One that I loved. I would NEVER take the time back that I worked for Stepping Stones from 2006-2009. I met some of the most amazing people and developed some life long friends. Most of the people I very first started working with, we are still friends. Always will be. I honestly don't know what I would have done without "my family" as I like to call them.

During my time at Stepping Stones, I met Steve. At first, it was just a little crush and I was attracted to him. As I kept getting to know him more and more, I fell in complete love with this man. He was unlike anyone I had ever met before. The way he talked, walked, conversed, etc. It was very intriguing. Anyone who knows Steve, also knows he doesn't open up very easily. As time went on, he opened up more and more to me. We talked about things that neither one of us had talked about with anyone else, we shared some of our deepest thought. I was head over heels. Things were not always easy for us. Although we have always gotten along and rarely argue, it was tough. He was working full time, I was working full time, and he was going to the University of Louisville at the time to get his degree in Engineering. Lots of hard work and late nights. In the midst of this very hectic schedule, I found out I was pregnant. I won't lie, I was scared to death! How could it be that I had been told for years that there was no chance (0) that I could EVER get pregnant. Here I was, pregnant, and afraid. What was going to happen? Was Steve going to walk out on me because his schedule was already too full. Its not that I didn't have faith in him and our relationship, but it was scary. After all, I had a lot of people walk out on me. People that was supposed to love and care for me. I always had a cloud hanging over my head, thinking when I got to close to someone, they were just going to walk out and leave me like every one else had. Steve never left my side. He was just as scared and I was, but we were both extremely happy. I couldn't believe that I had this amazing man standing by me, and then to top it off I would be having a child. Something I never thought possible.

The past 6 years of my life have been the most amazing. Throughout my life, I have always doubted intentions of others, doubted myself, just doubted every thing in general. As crazy as it sounds, I never thought I would see 30. I know I wouldn't have if I stayed in Mississippi.

You see, even though I've never been to college, I'm not rich, etc, doesn't mean I don't feel accomplished. Its good to have some of those things, but I don't need it or have a want for it. I have my happily every after. I have the most amazing husband a girl could ever ask for, I have a beautiful, loving, caring son, I have a house, I have a job that I love, I have a family that I love dearly, and I have some pretty freaking amazing friends. There is nothing really that I could ever ask for. I am right where I was meant to be. It took me a while to get here and I had to go through a lot to get here, but I have arrived.

Bring it on 30! :)

Obsessive thoughts.....

I've not written in a while, again! I know, I know. But, really there hasn't been much to write about. As most of you already know. I was discharged from therapy a while ago as I was doing so well, and to be quite honest had nothing else to talk about. I've worked through all of my feelings of the things that happened in my past. I stopped seeing my psyc doc because I wanted to wean myself off of the medication I was on. I wanted to feel again. It was a very LONG process, but I finally did it. With that comes the real feelings that I wanted so badly to feel again. Don't get me wrong, I am better and the past no longer bothers me. I am doing pretty great, considering. I haven't had a vivid dream/nightmare for some time. So, that is great.

The problem, the obsessive thoughts have come back. And, in full force. There are many techniques I can use to try to rid myself of these thoughts. They don't work very well for me though. What works for some, doesn't work for others. I've found myself obsessing over the silliest and stupidest of things. Things I wouldn't be able to control anyway, if they were even actual problems. Which, they are not. So, friends and family, please bare with me while I try to get through the obsessive stage of this mess. After all that is part of the PTSD and OCD.

I do believe that some it has to do with the stress of buying a new house and dealing with the loan company for so long. Can it be over already?! I am so ready to move into our beautiful new home. I know it takes a while and I didn't expect it to happen over night, but it just feels like it is dragging out FOREVER. Once we move and get settled and the stress of that is over, I believe that some the of obsessiveness with calm down.

With all of that being said. Friends and family, like I said, please be patient with me. When I go through these things I tend to shut people out. I really don't do it on purpose, but really? Who wants to be around a downer. I know I sure wouldn't want to be. I don't even like being with myself and my thoughts right now as it is. I promise nothing has to do with any of you all. So, if I get to where I am not calling you or coming by to spend time, don't take it personally. I always need that time to myself to sort through the thought processes that are going on in this silly brain of mine.

I am more than positive that in no time I will be just fine and dandy, once all of the high stress is gone and we can move forward......

Graduated and discharged....

First let me say, wow. Its been almost a year since my last post. With good reason, of course. Things have been going pretty darn good in my life, our life. So, nothing to write about. I know most people get annoyed with all of my facebook posts. That's ok. I don't mind. Lol. I am happy and I like the world to know that I am happy. Don't like it, so be it :) At the end of the day I don't have to be around you, I get to be around the people who are responsible for my happiness.

I will start by talking about one of the people that puts a few smiles a day on my face, Steve. I am so very proud of all he has accomplished. I would have never thought that we would be where we are right now. He has literally been in school the entire time we have been together. He worked full time jobs and went to school full time for the past few years. I know it has not been easy on him. We have definitely seen each other at our worst. We both made it out though and have so much to be thankful for at this point. Who knew when we started our journey together that we would have a son in the midst of all our chaos, we would get married, and start living our happily ever after? Steve means the world to me, and it I have to remind him of that on a daily basis now, I will. He deserves it! He deserves all that and more for everything he has accomplished.

As far as I go, I have been doing great. I had my moments, and still have a little moment every now and then. But, I am doing great in comparison to how I was doing. Life sometimes throws us huge curve balls and if we have never been taught the skills on how to catch them, they can sometimes make a person have a meltdown. I am so very thankful for the support system that I have had the past couple of years. I could not have done it without you guys. I could not have gotten through what I had to deal with when I first started therapy and I surely wouldn't have gotten through what I was going through a few months ago. I know I am not the best friend these days and have started to put myself first. For those that know what I am talking about, I am sorry, but it had to be done. I am not being selfish. I have to take care of me though. If I don't, I won't be any good for my own family. If you don't quite understand that logic, I am sorry.

Also, I have done great with keeping the people away in my life that was causing all the pain. Again, maybe people think I am cold, mean, and a down right bitch. I am totally and 100% fine with that. There comes a time in your life that you have to let the people in your life who cause you so much cloudiness go. They are detrimental to your health. With that, I guess its been close to 3 years since I have spoken to my dad. I still have nothing to say to him and don't think I ever will. When someone cannot admit when they have done something wrong, or just apologize for what they have done then they have no truly changed from what they were. I've heard so many sob stories and I honestly do not feel sorry for him. He did this to himself. I didn't do it. I blamed myself for years over the things that happened to me. Maybe I did something wrong to cause all of those beatings. Nope, I did not. I was a pretty good kid. I did some bad things in my teen years, yes. But, I was a good kid and I didn't deserve the hand I was dealt by him. If he cannot acknowledge what he did all those years where wrong, I don't have anything to say to him. If he continues to deny he ever did all the things we've accused him of, I still have nothing to say to him. I blamed myself for years for the abuse he handed out, I blamed myself for the time I was molested by moms ex boyfriends brother, I blamed myself for getting raped at the age of 13 at a friends house. It wasn't my fault, it was theirs. I didn't do anything to influence any of them to do what they did to me. It took me this many years to figure it all out. I did though, with the help of my wonderful therapist, my wonderful, amazing husband, and a few good friends. Like my therapist said from the beginning "A burden shared, is a burden cut in half." I never knew how much that phrase would carry me, but it did.

This year I will turn 30. I cannot tell you all how flipping excited I am for this milestone in my life. Call me crazy if you will, but if you had to walk in my shoes you would understand completely. See, maybe I have never graduated from a college. Maybe I don't have the highest paying job in the world, maybe I have accomplished much in my life. That is all ok because I am 100% happy with my life, everything and everyone in my life. The things that I have accomplished probably seem irrelevant to most. I've done what I set out to do many years ago. I was the only one in my immediate family to graduate high school (at the time that was a huge deal for me). I also did exactly what I said I was going to do. I left. I left Mississippi. I left the place that still causes me some pain every time I visit. I had quite a few bumps in the road after I left, but I am here now and I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. I worked hard to get to this point and I deserve to pat myself on the back for it.

I had my very last therapy and doctors appt on Thursday. They discharged me. They call it "graduating." Either way, I am done with it. I've made all the progress I can possibly make. I've talked every thing that was wrong with me, out. There is nothing left to talk about because I am great. Its one of the best feelings in the world. Now, all I that is left to do, is to continue to wean myself off of my medication.

For all of my readers: Thank you all very much for reading my posts throughout the years. You all helped me in the process. I am forever grateful. If you are reading my blog for the first time, go back and read some previous posts. You never know, it could help you with something you have been dealing with. Its helped others. Peace!

Frustration

As most of you know from seeing my facebook status the other day, I was NOT happy after my appointment with the doctor.

First of all they scheduled me to see the doctor at 3:45PM and then the therapist at 4:00PM. Only a 15 minute time frame to get to my therapist. Well, of course, as usual the doctor was running behind so I said I would come back at a later date to see my therapist since it was 4:30 by the time I saw the doctor. No big deal. That didn't even upset me. I knew I needed to see the doctor though because I have felt withdrawn, depressed, and just plain angry lately. I know what it is, I don't have a PhD. I'm no doctor but I know me and I know my body. My medication has ran its course. Its not working! I don't know how many times I have to tell these people this!!!! I know there are some hiccups along the way with all medication, but for me to be on a certain medication for TWO years and I still feel the same way half the time then the crap isn't working and I need something different/better. So, after I finally talk him in to trying something else (remind you he kept me on the same two medications I was already on, just added a new one to the mix) we moved on to a different conversation and this is where I got extremely pissed off.

He asked me where I was working now so I told him. No big deal. Well, he first proceeds to tell me that I am working on the wrong side. The WRONG side? What??? Are you kidding me?? I'm working on the damn right side! At least I am not sitting my fat ass at home daily doing absolutely nothing. I am working and helping to take care of my family. Then, he asked me who I was living with? Really? He already knows this crap. Of course I live with my husband whom I love dearly and my son. Now, oh now. He asked me what my husband did for a job. I told him he was a Civil Engineer at "such and such." He then had the nerve to ask me why am I even working then?!

I was absolutely livid at this point! My blood was boiling. I AM WORKING TO HELP GIVE MY SON THE BEST LIFE WE CAN! What does he expect me to do? Quit my job to just sit at home? Why shouldn't I have a job to help my husband with the bills? Why shouldn't I work to help put my son through preschool which he needs? Why shouldn't I work so I can help put food on the table and clothes on our backs? I almost told him I wouldn't have to work if he didn't take all my damn money with his appointments and if he didn't think I should be working then give me some of that damn money he was making off giving people piss poor treatment. Ridiculous!

I really can not tell you guys how pissed off I was after this appt. I'm hoping Steve's job doesn't end so I can get some good insurance. That way I can go to a regular doctor, give him my medical records and try to find a good course of action so I don't have to go back to this doctor. Lets face it. I can't stop taking the medication I am on. I've tried. The withdrawals are so bad I feel like I am going to die. Severe vertigo, shakes, tremors, nausea, vomiting, headaches, night sweats, etc.

Well, that about sums up my facebook post the other night. I still stand by what I said too. Stop giving money to the mental health professionals to medications that can have such bad effects on your body and legalize marijuana!

Withdrawn

I really cannot pin point the date, but I have noticed I've pretty much withdrawn myself from most people. I honesty did not intend to do that nor do I want that. I love my friends and my family. It's just with working full time and having a family you really don't have a ton of extra time. Besides, you all probably have shit loads of things to do and people to take care of as well.

I wouldn't trade my beautiful little family for anything. I love them so much. They are my whole world. So, believe me, I am not complaining.

It's hard to have the energy to converse with people now a days. I guess maybe its because I am married and a mom. I feel like I don't have anything interesting and fun to talk about except Steve

and Jace. And, as much as I know most of you love and care about Jace and Steve as well, you all don't want to hear about them all of the time. 

I guess what I really want to say through this blog is this. If you've felt neglected by me, or felt I wasn't there. I'm truly sorry. I would love to be everything to everyone, you all should know that about me by now. 

Now, I will say this. I have distanced myself from certain people as of late for the simple fact we are two worlds apart and I don't want to hear or be involved in drama every time we talk. It's pointless and my nerves can't handle all that mess. 

I'll finish with this. Just know I love you all and even though we don't speak, I think of you all often. 

PS. In a few weeks I am going to start a compilation of photos and stories to go along with them (no, I'm not starting my photography business back). This is just something I thought of and thought it would be super cool. Stay tuned, I may just need your help ;)

Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. –John Maxwell

I'm extremely lucky....

I really am. Sometimes when things aren't going the way we want them to its because there is a different plan in store for us. I know things will always work out the way they should. I'm just an anxiety driven person, which of course I try to work on. Things have to be planned in advance or I am completely thrown off and to be matter of fact it makes me act like a bitch.

Anyway, I really am lucky. I have the most amazing husband. He loves me, he understands me, he is there for me when I have meltdowns, he is a good daddy. He is just an all around great guy. I couldn't have found a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I found my true soul mate and know he is the one that was put in my life for a reason. Everyone else in my life has tried to mold me into a person they want me to be. Steve loves me for me. My crazy goofiness and all. Then, there is Jace. Ahhh, beautiful and funny Jace. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Don't get me wrong he gets in trouble a lot these days, he's three soooo I guess that comes with it. But, I wouldn't trade any of this for what I had before (thinking having a child was physically impossible for me). I got lucky when I became a mommy and embraced it from day one even though I was in total shock and scared half to death. Ha.

I am very fortunate to have the few great friends that I do, and that I know I can count on for anything that comes my way. We may not talk as much or we may live hundreds of miles away or a few miles away. But, I do know who I can count on.

To some I may not be much but I am me and the best me I can be. I've overcome a ton of obstacles in my life. From birth up to a few years ago. It takes a toll on you and you don't realize it most of the time. I'm really glad that I decided to get help more than a year ago. It helped me find my inner self. I had already found my voice (hahaha) but I needed help letting feelings out when I felt things were not fair to me. This has helped me tremendously.

Next week opens a whole new chapter for our little family. Jace will start preschool for the first time on Tuesday. I am actually really excited for him. I can only hope that he will do great, I am sure he will. It may take a little adjusting but I have all the faith in the world for my little guy. I'm happy for him and happy he will have this. One of the great things is, the preschool is right next door to my work so that will put me at ease as well.

Now that Steve and I both have jobs the future is looking a bit brighter. Things will come as they may. With me working full time now, I decided it would be best for me to close my photography business. It wasn't a hard decision for me. For those that know me well, know that my family means the world to me and I will do anything necessary for my family to be together and happy. With the job and both of us working first shift and not getting home until 5:30PM each day. Well, that wouldn't give us a whole lot of time together much less trying to get sessions in and completed in a timely manner. I'm happy with my decision. Its been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Peace, Love, and Happiness!

Complaining

Everyone does this, right? I don't have an issue with people complaining every once in a while, heck I even do sometimes. It's all good. But, for Pete's sake I am so sick of hearing and seeing the same people complain about every aspect of their lives! It's driving me nuts. It's like ok, yes you have a valid complaint but look at what else is around you. Not what could have or should have been! I'm tired of the complainers who choose to do nothing about their life situations. Make better choices, be more vigilant. It's really not that hard. Really, it's not.

Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. If they do then good for you. You have people on your team. Until you start showing you are trying to change your outcome I don't feel sorry in the least bit for you. Man or woman up and do what you have to in order to survive. 

I've had a ton of things happen to me, do you see me over here complaining that I am the most miserable person on earth? No! Because I am not. I love my life and the thing that taught me to be different. You always have a choice! You either stay in it or let it go and move the hell on. 

Rant over. 

Peace!