Insomnia

Insomnia and migraines have taken over my life the past three days. I'm sure it has something to do with me not getting the job I so desperately wanted. And, of course, the anxiety that goes along with feeling like a failure and not being good enough for a job. It really sucks the emotional toll that can take on one's self esteem. Oh well, gotta let it go and move on to see if I can find something else. It's just so frustrating. It's like you want to help provide for your family and you can't. It's just not happening. I know it will take time but its been long enough already. I'm ready to be ahead and on top again.

I mean everything isn't bad. Steve supports me and was there when I just broke down about not getting the job.  It just took me back to feeling like a failure and that I was not good enough. I know in time I will find a job and one that I love but in the mean time this shit really blows. 

The migraines are taking a toll. No sleeping, no appetite, face and jaw hurting all day. Will it end? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? I sure as hell hope so. 

Peace. 

Thoughts, mind racing...

Thoughts continue to creep into my mind. I'm feeling like I am sinking again. I know I'm not. Let me reiterate, I am more than happy about my family life with the family I still talk too, I'm happy with my husband (he's pretty much the best and my backbone), and my happy go lucky son. Although, it had been rough lately. He's been a bit of a beast. Just disobeying in general and not listening to a word we say. Am I not doing it right? I feel like I have tried everything and it still doesn't work. He has an outgoing personality and plays to the beat of his own drum. I don't know what to do. For the most part he is the sweetest, most loving child with tons of personality but he has these moments or days when he refuses to listen to anything we say. So, continuous time outs. Then, I feel guilty and feel like I'm not doing the right thing.

Anyway, other than that I am so super stressed about getting this job. I would love to hurry and know something, either way so I can go from there. I know I need a job. These days both parents need to work. We want a bigger house, we want a great new SUV, we want to both be stable in jobs. We want to take Jace on so many adventures. Then the bomb drops on me yesterday. Steve finds out his job could end sooner than we originally were told which was September 1st. Now, it's the end of July with them saying "it might be extended." This means absolutely shit to me. It either is or it isn't. Either way, I want a job. I really do but now I feel even more stressed knowing Steve's job could end at any time. This shit literally sucks. Now we must wait, wait, wait. The both of us. 

We would absolutely love to have another child. But, gosh. It doesn't seem to be in the works for us. We are both getting older. We can't find good, stable jobs, we obviously would need a bigger house as stated before but I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world without being prepared this time and being in a good spot in careers and actually being able to take care of them ourselves without the "system." It's frustrating. Who even knows if I can have another child? I don't, the doctors don't. But, I can't get the care I need without insurance. I can't go through testing for it or even get rid of the things that are wrong with me now because let's face it, we can't afford it. 

Oh well, I guess for now we must wait....

Dear Parents,

As I sit back and watch the world turn to shit day by day, I ponder on what life will be like for my son when he is older. This has been a problem for a while but I am noticing it more frequent these days. Parents who don't give two shits about their kids or the way they present themselves in public. Its a shame really. I hear people all the time say "America is going to shit". Blame it on politics, blame it on video games, TV, or whatever makes you feel better at the end of the day.

Its not all of that. Yes, some of it could be but you need to parent your kids. Teach them early how to be respectful, how to look presentable. Teach them that life is more than looking pretty or showing your body off. Everyone has the potential to do something with their lives, they need their parents to guide them though. If you didn't want kids but ended up with them anyway, so what, grow the hell up and deal with your kids. Its no longer about you! Its about your kids and making sure they are a productive member of society when they grow up.

I didn't think I could ever have a child. I did. I put my big girl pants on and made sure to put all of my wants on the back burner and try my best at teaching my child manners and how to be respectful. Is he always good? Not at all! He has the worst days sometimes but guess what, I try to teach him how to handle those emotions and feelings. I don't just let him sit in misery all day, I don't just let him do whatever the hell he wants.

Please, for the love of all humanity! Parent your children!!! We have all been through things. My childhood was about as fucked up as it gets. But you know what? I dealt with it, I owned it, I got through it. I broke the cycle of abuse and violence, I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't pity myself and I sure as hell am not selfish and just focused on me. My son comes first, disciplining him comes first, manners and compassion all go hand and hand.

So, get your head out of your asses and raise your kids!

End of rant. Not all of this was about the little girls I saw today. I just see so many parents right now with pre-teens and teenagers letting their kids wear, do, and say whatever they want. Its sickening.

Holding my ground.

Its been well over a year since I spoke to my father. Its not been easy to let go of someone who helped create me but as I know and some of you from reading my blogs, it was for the best. When I was near him, I was afraid still. Like the little girl I was so many years ago, finding the perfect hiding spot so no one could find me until I was ready to come out. Although I didn't hide this time I just cut him out. Not only did going around him make me on edge because you never knew when he was going to flip out but he also had a way of making everything your fault. Like he did nothing wrong during my childhood or over a year ago.

I won't sit here and lie and act like its been all peachy. The guilt I had to get through to make the decision to cut him out was almost unbearable. I would think to myself, why in the world do you feel so guilty after all he made you go through when you were growing up? Well, he was still my dad. That didn't change anything. Even though he did everything he had in previous years I forgave him and wanted a relationship with him. I thought we had made progress but he fell into his old ways again and I couldn't be around it. Not just for me but for Jace, my son. I knew not what to do with my child. I broke the cycle. Who knows what the future holds for Jace and who knows how he will be when he gets older, but it was important for me to get the people out of his life that had negative connected to them. Maybe people think I am wrong for turning my back on my family. But, you have to remember, when a family is as dysfunctional as mine is, you kind of have no choice.

The only family that is regularly in our life is my brother, sister in law, sister, nieces and nephews. That is all I need and its all Jace needs. They love us unconditionally, they love us without wanting something from us. They just love us.

Every time I begin to let a guilty feeling into my mind, I have to think. What has any of these people done for me? When the answers are more negative than positive the guilt goes away. I don't NEED people, especially family to do anything for me. I am just stating that everything in my life with my family has been negative until I decided to put my foot down and stop it. I got to where I am on my own with help from no one. Maybe some people think I haven't done much with my life. Well, if you read my blog posts then you know where I came from and where I am now. I got out, I changed my life and path. I have broken the cycle of abuse for my family. I have been to countless hours of therapy, making that decision on my own so I can make better decisions for MY family, I've retrained my mind to turn negative energy into good, I have stopped my anger outburst since my father has been out of my life. I was becoming the same person he was. Bitter and angry for what I had to go through in my life. The endless physical abuse, the two molestations, the rape. All of it was affecting my outcome. I couldn't do that.

Anytime I have people in my life now which is mostly friends except my sister, brother, and their families I don't let their negativity bother me. I did, but that was something I had to work through as well. Cutting those people out was imperative to my inner well being. I don't cut them out to be some mean, rude, bitch. But, for my own insanity and not to subject my son to such madness.

I've had people take up for the one's who caused so many problems in my life. As a matter of fact I have one person on facebook who is friends with my rapist and they are a family member. Although, I have never said a name nor will I ever because I am through that, you would think they would know what kind of person this is. Oh well, if they want to be friends with this type of person then that is their business, but it won't be mine to keep them.

With all of this said, just because you choose to still have communication with this abusive person, my father, doesn't mean I have to. You know what he has done and was still doing yet you continue to let him in your life. So be it. Let him bring you down, he will eventually. As mean as I may be made out to be I really don't  care anymore. When people ask about my parents I let them know my parents are no longer with me. My mom has been gone (RIP) for over 6 years. I just tell people my dad is gone too. After all, I consider him just a sperm donor now as he put us/me through so much hell. He does not deserve the title of father or dad.

I refuse to give up! I am a true fighter!

That title statement really says it all. I am not a quitter. At one point in my life I always said I "can't" do this and I "can't" do that. I am not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, good enough. To hell with that! I have fought my whole life to get to where I am exactly right now. I won't give up now.

There has been a lot that has happened since my last blog post and I am not sure why I have waited so long to write again? It calms me, duh! That is what I do, yet I abandoned it. Anyway, we were on a good streak for a couple of weeks. Steve got and started his new job, then we all got sick for over a week each. That set us back some and its super hard taking care of a sick 3 year old when you are sick yourself but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Got over all that croupy, upper respiratory mess finally.

Thursday, the 19th a man tried to break in the house on Jace and I at 9AM. I was doing my usual routine. Turned Max & Ruby on the TV for him and headed to the kitchen to fix his breakfast. I was in there about 3 minutes when my poor child let out this blood curdling scream, then my ADT alarm sounds. I run to the living room to grab him and see if he is hurt. That was my first thought. Not even paying attention to the alarm or my surroundings. Then I looked over and I saw it, my front door was open and Jace was pointing to the door screaming "man, coming to get me." I ran straight for the bedroom, not for the phone but our gun. If someone was in my house I would handle it better before the police got there. Luckily, where our front door is there is a little nook there where we keep the treadmill pushed in so it doesn't take up too much space. The bastard didn't get any further because of that. Had he have gotten further he would have left with an extra hole in his body. Now, when it comes to my child I will fight to the death with someone. He is my everything and I never wanted him to experience anything like this in his young 3 year old life. I, myself, already have extreme PTSD along with all the other issues from my abusive childhood. Even though nothing more happened he is still suffering from the after effects. He wakes up all night long. Then he whispers "man" in my ear most nights. We both took a nap today because he was up every 30 minutes last night and neither of us had sleep. When we woke up he was in a cheerful mood. We sat on the couch to get awakened and watch an episode of Curious George when all of a sudden a loud truck zooms by. The child literally scratched me up trying to climb up me so fast, all the while look at the front door. By this time he is screaming "man coming to get me." At this moment I hugged him as tight as I could without him seeing my face with tears streaming down my cheeks and telling him nothing is going to get him. Mommy is here to protect you. He literally would not leave my side until about an hour or more later and he finally went and played in his room a bit while I cleaned and started dinner. It just pisses me off so bad that someone would violate my family like this. I have already had to live a screwed up life before I moved here. I never wanted my son to have to face fears, not at this age. Not like this. If I knew the guy and could find him and face him, he'd regret he ever tried to break in my house. My son will now be scarred from this for a while and it makes me sad. Hopefully, as the weeks go by he will start to forget about it. For now, I just have to keep reminding him that mommy will protect him. And, I will. At all cost!

Monday, the 29th. I got a phone call about 9:30 or after. I was half asleep but it was somewhere in there. I saw on the caller ID it was Manpower (the temp agency for St. Jude). I honestly didn't know what he was calling for until I answered. I thought maybe I needed to go in early or something. When I answered the guy I have dealt with said "Sandy, I have some bad news for you." Tears immediately started to fall because I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. He said your job has ended at St. Jude and my world literally fell apart. I called my MIL first and I couldn't stop crying and I don't even know if she understood half of what I said to her in that moment but gosh I couldn't believe it. The best job I have ever had, the most fun I have ever had a job, the most I have ever felt that I was helping in a big way. Then, its ripped from me like a family member. That is what it was like. Grant it I only worked there 6 months but I LOVED it. It was MY job and I would have stayed there forever! I had told several people if it came down to working for St. Jude or setting my camera down forever it would be an easy decision for me. I would have put the camera down and worked for St. Jude. Now, I didn't get fired for anything I did wrong. I did nothing wrong at all and was a great asset to the company. I know this. Its just the whole center is closing and with myself and my fellow pal that went through training with me were temps we got the boot first. But, the whole center will shut down on June 28th and this is sad news. Some people have been there 15-20 years. I know if I loved it within the 6 months I worked there and was as devastated as I was then they must be feeling it 10 times worse and I am sorry for them. It makes me sad. With all of that being said. I feel things could have went differently. But, I will never stop believing in St. Jude. I love their mission, I love what they stand for and most of all, I love what they have done for my friends kiddos. My friend Samantha's little girl Emilee had ALL and she is now cancer free thanks to St. Jude and I know she is so very grateful for St. Jude.

 During Treatment

 In remission

This little girl is why I wanted to work for St. Jude so bad. Her mommy and I have been friends since before kindergarten. I can rest and lay my head down easily right now knowing that I did the best I could and recruited as many fundraisers as I could to help save more lives like Emilee. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had working with such an amazing group of people and for such a great cause.


Now, its back to square one for me. I've looked at several jobs already. I have some already wanting me. I could go back to photography full time but I don't know if that is truly where my passion is. Just speaking the truth here. I want more. I am driven. I want to be out there. I want people to know my whole story. I want to speak to at risk youth. I want to go back to school. But, for now that is all on hold. I have to let Steve's job fall where it may as well because his job ends in September. So, for now. We wait. Well, not me. I figure out what dead end job I want to work until he can find something permanent. We must let the cards fall where they may.

Out of all the bad stuff that has happened, I have gotten a huge out pour of love from friends and family that knew how much I loved my job. I love you all for that and it was so sweet and overwhelming for you all to thing of me in such the light that you see me in. I am forever grateful for all of you who truly do love me and care for me. I know the ones that are for me. I found that out through all of this.

In the end I know it will all be ok and I will end up where I am supposed to be. For now, I am still shocked and its only been day two and I miss my job like crazy.

Therapy with Steve

Today was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take.

Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have).

I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family.

Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had.

Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me.

As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know.

The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br="">

Been debating writing about this.

I've had some serious anxiety over writing this blog and and posting it for the world to see. But, after all the purpose for me continuing was for the world to see what's its like living with all these things that are wrong with me. Please do not judge me. I was in a bad spot and I don't need anyone preaching to me.

Monday I was in a very bad spot. I don't know what happened or came over me. I guess it was part of the disease I have. I don't really know. It was my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until 12:45 PM. I wasn't sleeping though. I was wide awake and had barely slept Sunday night. I have this weird thing where I have visions of things happening. I haven't had this happen in a long time though. I've had a few nightmares but no visions. I visioned I was working and my supervisor tells me I need to call home immediately. I log off of my computer and call Steve. When I called, Steve told me I needed to get home right away. Jace choked on something and he wasn't breathing, that the paramedics where there. I left everything at my desk and ran as fast as I could to my car, drove as fast as I could to my house. When I got here, there were firetrucks and ambulances. They told me "ma'am me did everything we could to revive him". His throat was even split from them trying to get whatever was in there out. My son was gone. Never to come back again. I lost it. I really, really lost. it.

Even though this did not happen. In my mind it felt real and I had a feeling it was going to happen. I event made sure to remind Steve when I left to make sure he watched him close when I left for work that day. My co-worker tried to say hi and talk to me and I just started crying. I kept crying in my cubicle. I had to keep going to the restroom because I kept crying. I thought something was going to happen to my son.

On my way home. I pulled over in a secluded area. Just to think and try to cry it out. Even though it was just a vision it was so real to me. Sitting there in my car, I had my medication with me. I thought about swallowing it all. I wanted to. Was very tempted. Because rationalizing this in my mind, I just knew something was going to happen to Jace and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a calmness come over me. Like I couldn't hear anything. Not even the sound of my breathing. I was ready to go, I wanted to go. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. The PTSD, OCD, GAD, and now found out I have depression in addition. I just wanted it all to end But, he was still here. I saw that beautiful photo my friend, Laura took of  Jace on my phone screen as I checked it and I drove home. I came home and gave him the tightest squeeze and the biggest kiss.

Let me say this. I've always thought this. I think when you have kids especially that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. But, now I can understand why some people do choose to end their lives that deal with some of the same issues as I do.

I could not bear to leave my son motherless. After all, look at all the issues I have had with my own mom's death and I didn't lose her until I was 22. I would have left behind an almost 3 year old. I had a lot of guilt over this as well. That's what got me the 2nd and 3rd day. I saw my therapist on the 3rd day. Didn't tell Steve until the 2nd day and as I told him, he had tears in his eyes, not knowing what to do or say to ease my pain. As I was still in the midst of my crisis. I later asked him if he would just go to one therapy session with me to listen in. He didn't have to talk because we don't need therapy. We are good in our relationship. I just need him to know how to handle me and learn about the diseases I have. He agreed in a heartbeat and I knew right then and there he was in like he said, for better or worse.

I had my therapy session on the 3rd day which was Wednesday and of course I still had a ton of guilt over wanting to rid myself knowing that I have child that loves me very much and vice versa. I cried most of the session. Was afraid that they were going to think I was crazy and send me away. Was afraid if I told anyone they would say something. It was just the fear of people judging me and thinking bad of me. I had a bad moment. Not a bad life. Even though I have over come so much, I will still have issues. Always will have some issue. And, that is the way it is with these diseases. Thankfully, my Therapist had me call the nurse right then and let her know what was going on so they could put me on something for the depression since she said that is what I am going through. I have a ton going on and am super stressed all the time right now.

Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I have been lately. My anger issues are out of control. I told my therapist I just can't get a handle on it. I haven't been mean to Steve or Jace or Family but if someone crossed me and pissed me off just right I would just snap on them and not even care. I've tried a lot of things to control this. I am currently working with her to work on this as well.

I assure you all I am fine now, except the anger part ;)

Let me tell you, I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Kristin Hix, she is fabulous. I cannot believe how much our friendship has grown in the amount of time we have known one another. I really do consider her a great friend and she was there for me through this whole thing. I felt like she was the only one who would be able to understand what I was going through. She did too and was able to talk to be and talk me through certain things. Not going into to much detail as her story is hers to tell on her own but she has had her fair share of issues so she kind of knew exactly what I was going through and feeling. I love you girl. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life and to have our friendship. You are a gem of a friend and I am glad I found you.