I got to thinking about my life the other day. I started to think how different things are now that Jace is in my life. A year ago I would not have imagined my life would be this way now. I love my life and everyone in it. I can truly say that and mean it. I never told Steve this until yesterday. But, when I found out I was pregnant and even another time during pregnancy I thought to myself “please let this be a lie.” I only thought that twice. My point for telling Steve all of this yesterday is that I wanted him to know my feelings then and now. I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t think we were ready to have a baby. He was in school and working full time; I was also working full time and was very stressed at work. There was no way things could work like that, or so I thought at the time. I couldn’t show that I was scared to Steve because he was already scared to death himself. I guess I figured I had to be strong for the both of us. After all, the baby was going to come regardless of how terrified either of us were.
I was equally scared of some of the emotional baggage I had. I had tried everything I could to work through the issues I had. Nothing ever seemed to work. It’s not an easy thing to have to go through. I knew after all the things that happened to me I would be scarred for life. I didn’t know that it would affect my life in every way possible. Most of my close friends know my history. In the past four years I’ve began to speak more openly about what happened. I was molested when I was around 11 and raped a few years later. One man was in his late 40’s and the other in his early 30’s. I never told my family. I was too afraid I guess. I still don’t talk about it with them. I won’t even mention it. And, if they happened to say anything I would probably not acknowledge it. I was depressed most of my childhood. It led to a lot of bad things that I regret such as drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs, and cutting. I would frequently steal my dad’s razors, tear them apart, and use them for my dirty deeds. I mostly made it a point to cut myself where no one could see. And, when I did do my arms I would wear long sleeved shirts. Even in the summer. I never cut myself to try to commit suicide. It was more that I wanted to put physical pain in the place of the mental hell I was living in. I had nightmares almost every single night of my life since then. My dreams were very vivid and real. I woke up often feeling the physical pain of the things that were going on in my dreams. I know that sounds impossible, but it’s not. I lived it every night. They weren’t always about the rape or molestation. It was always about someone hurting me though. I had several dreams of being shot in the head and woke up with horrible pains in the spot I had gotten shot at in the dream. I was always paranoid. I always watch my back. Steve frequently tells me how observant I am. It’s true too, but when it’s yourself you never realize it. I can spot something bad a mile away. It’s not been easy living like that- always afraid of everything. I still continued to have the problems during pregnancy with the nightmares. They actually seemed to be getting worse. I wasn’t prepared for that. I hadn’t done drugs since I was 19. I had a few drinks here and there. I did also get addicted to Ambien for a brief time. The doctor prescribed them to me because I couldn’t go to sleep. I tried, but my mind just wouldn’t let me I guess. My inner self knew that as soon as I fell asleep the dreams wouldn’t start. So, in order to get sleep, that is what he prescribed. They did help me sleep, but they helped make me a little crazier too. I was hallucinating and everything. I knew I’d had enough when I woke up one morning to find I had one left in the bottle and I had ten the night before. I had taken nine in one night and had no recollection of it. That was it! Enough was enough. I went through horrible withdrawals for about a month. I wanted to literally die. I was always sick and had horrible vertigo. I never want to go through that again.
I got pregnant 3 months after that. Luckily everything happened the way it did at all the right times. I look back at it sometimes and am like “Gah, I’m so lucky.” Of course I had no idea I was pregnant until almost 4 months along. I was hoping all the nightmares would go away after I gave birth, and it did. To my surprise I haven’t had a nightmare since. All is well in my life. I feel like I have no emotional baggage what so ever. Jace has truly been a miracle in so many ways. It’s funny how things in my life seemed to work themselves out in just right time. I wouldn’t dare take back one thing or one experience; after all it has all lead me here-to a world of sheer happiness. I am one blessed lady. I look forward to the future and all it will have to offer. I'll leave you all with a few photos :)
Daddy & Jace laying in bed relaxing. How sweet is that?!
Grandma & Jace right after playing "wa, wa." Lol. She loves him to pieces.
Jace & I right after his shower with daddy.
Now, that is one happy little family! And, look at that expression on Jace's face. Too darn cute.