Frustration

As most of you know from seeing my facebook status the other day, I was NOT happy after my appointment with the doctor.

First of all they scheduled me to see the doctor at 3:45PM and then the therapist at 4:00PM. Only a 15 minute time frame to get to my therapist. Well, of course, as usual the doctor was running behind so I said I would come back at a later date to see my therapist since it was 4:30 by the time I saw the doctor. No big deal. That didn't even upset me. I knew I needed to see the doctor though because I have felt withdrawn, depressed, and just plain angry lately. I know what it is, I don't have a PhD. I'm no doctor but I know me and I know my body. My medication has ran its course. Its not working! I don't know how many times I have to tell these people this!!!! I know there are some hiccups along the way with all medication, but for me to be on a certain medication for TWO years and I still feel the same way half the time then the crap isn't working and I need something different/better. So, after I finally talk him in to trying something else (remind you he kept me on the same two medications I was already on, just added a new one to the mix) we moved on to a different conversation and this is where I got extremely pissed off.

He asked me where I was working now so I told him. No big deal. Well, he first proceeds to tell me that I am working on the wrong side. The WRONG side? What??? Are you kidding me?? I'm working on the damn right side! At least I am not sitting my fat ass at home daily doing absolutely nothing. I am working and helping to take care of my family. Then, he asked me who I was living with? Really? He already knows this crap. Of course I live with my husband whom I love dearly and my son. Now, oh now. He asked me what my husband did for a job. I told him he was a Civil Engineer at "such and such." He then had the nerve to ask me why am I even working then?!

I was absolutely livid at this point! My blood was boiling. I AM WORKING TO HELP GIVE MY SON THE BEST LIFE WE CAN! What does he expect me to do? Quit my job to just sit at home? Why shouldn't I have a job to help my husband with the bills? Why shouldn't I work to help put my son through preschool which he needs? Why shouldn't I work so I can help put food on the table and clothes on our backs? I almost told him I wouldn't have to work if he didn't take all my damn money with his appointments and if he didn't think I should be working then give me some of that damn money he was making off giving people piss poor treatment. Ridiculous!

I really can not tell you guys how pissed off I was after this appt. I'm hoping Steve's job doesn't end so I can get some good insurance. That way I can go to a regular doctor, give him my medical records and try to find a good course of action so I don't have to go back to this doctor. Lets face it. I can't stop taking the medication I am on. I've tried. The withdrawals are so bad I feel like I am going to die. Severe vertigo, shakes, tremors, nausea, vomiting, headaches, night sweats, etc.

Well, that about sums up my facebook post the other night. I still stand by what I said too. Stop giving money to the mental health professionals to medications that can have such bad effects on your body and legalize marijuana!

Withdrawn

I really cannot pin point the date, but I have noticed I've pretty much withdrawn myself from most people. I honesty did not intend to do that nor do I want that. I love my friends and my family. It's just with working full time and having a family you really don't have a ton of extra time. Besides, you all probably have shit loads of things to do and people to take care of as well.

I wouldn't trade my beautiful little family for anything. I love them so much. They are my whole world. So, believe me, I am not complaining.

It's hard to have the energy to converse with people now a days. I guess maybe its because I am married and a mom. I feel like I don't have anything interesting and fun to talk about except Steve

and Jace. And, as much as I know most of you love and care about Jace and Steve as well, you all don't want to hear about them all of the time. 

I guess what I really want to say through this blog is this. If you've felt neglected by me, or felt I wasn't there. I'm truly sorry. I would love to be everything to everyone, you all should know that about me by now. 

Now, I will say this. I have distanced myself from certain people as of late for the simple fact we are two worlds apart and I don't want to hear or be involved in drama every time we talk. It's pointless and my nerves can't handle all that mess. 

I'll finish with this. Just know I love you all and even though we don't speak, I think of you all often. 

PS. In a few weeks I am going to start a compilation of photos and stories to go along with them (no, I'm not starting my photography business back). This is just something I thought of and thought it would be super cool. Stay tuned, I may just need your help ;)

Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. –John Maxwell

I'm extremely lucky....

I really am. Sometimes when things aren't going the way we want them to its because there is a different plan in store for us. I know things will always work out the way they should. I'm just an anxiety driven person, which of course I try to work on. Things have to be planned in advance or I am completely thrown off and to be matter of fact it makes me act like a bitch.

Anyway, I really am lucky. I have the most amazing husband. He loves me, he understands me, he is there for me when I have meltdowns, he is a good daddy. He is just an all around great guy. I couldn't have found a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I found my true soul mate and know he is the one that was put in my life for a reason. Everyone else in my life has tried to mold me into a person they want me to be. Steve loves me for me. My crazy goofiness and all. Then, there is Jace. Ahhh, beautiful and funny Jace. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Don't get me wrong he gets in trouble a lot these days, he's three soooo I guess that comes with it. But, I wouldn't trade any of this for what I had before (thinking having a child was physically impossible for me). I got lucky when I became a mommy and embraced it from day one even though I was in total shock and scared half to death. Ha.

I am very fortunate to have the few great friends that I do, and that I know I can count on for anything that comes my way. We may not talk as much or we may live hundreds of miles away or a few miles away. But, I do know who I can count on.

To some I may not be much but I am me and the best me I can be. I've overcome a ton of obstacles in my life. From birth up to a few years ago. It takes a toll on you and you don't realize it most of the time. I'm really glad that I decided to get help more than a year ago. It helped me find my inner self. I had already found my voice (hahaha) but I needed help letting feelings out when I felt things were not fair to me. This has helped me tremendously.

Next week opens a whole new chapter for our little family. Jace will start preschool for the first time on Tuesday. I am actually really excited for him. I can only hope that he will do great, I am sure he will. It may take a little adjusting but I have all the faith in the world for my little guy. I'm happy for him and happy he will have this. One of the great things is, the preschool is right next door to my work so that will put me at ease as well.

Now that Steve and I both have jobs the future is looking a bit brighter. Things will come as they may. With me working full time now, I decided it would be best for me to close my photography business. It wasn't a hard decision for me. For those that know me well, know that my family means the world to me and I will do anything necessary for my family to be together and happy. With the job and both of us working first shift and not getting home until 5:30PM each day. Well, that wouldn't give us a whole lot of time together much less trying to get sessions in and completed in a timely manner. I'm happy with my decision. Its been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Peace, Love, and Happiness!

Complaining

Everyone does this, right? I don't have an issue with people complaining every once in a while, heck I even do sometimes. It's all good. But, for Pete's sake I am so sick of hearing and seeing the same people complain about every aspect of their lives! It's driving me nuts. It's like ok, yes you have a valid complaint but look at what else is around you. Not what could have or should have been! I'm tired of the complainers who choose to do nothing about their life situations. Make better choices, be more vigilant. It's really not that hard. Really, it's not.

Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. If they do then good for you. You have people on your team. Until you start showing you are trying to change your outcome I don't feel sorry in the least bit for you. Man or woman up and do what you have to in order to survive. 

I've had a ton of things happen to me, do you see me over here complaining that I am the most miserable person on earth? No! Because I am not. I love my life and the thing that taught me to be different. You always have a choice! You either stay in it or let it go and move the hell on. 

Rant over. 

Peace! 

Insomnia

Insomnia and migraines have taken over my life the past three days. I'm sure it has something to do with me not getting the job I so desperately wanted. And, of course, the anxiety that goes along with feeling like a failure and not being good enough for a job. It really sucks the emotional toll that can take on one's self esteem. Oh well, gotta let it go and move on to see if I can find something else. It's just so frustrating. It's like you want to help provide for your family and you can't. It's just not happening. I know it will take time but its been long enough already. I'm ready to be ahead and on top again.

I mean everything isn't bad. Steve supports me and was there when I just broke down about not getting the job.  It just took me back to feeling like a failure and that I was not good enough. I know in time I will find a job and one that I love but in the mean time this shit really blows. 

The migraines are taking a toll. No sleeping, no appetite, face and jaw hurting all day. Will it end? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? I sure as hell hope so. 

Peace. 

Thoughts, mind racing...

Thoughts continue to creep into my mind. I'm feeling like I am sinking again. I know I'm not. Let me reiterate, I am more than happy about my family life with the family I still talk too, I'm happy with my husband (he's pretty much the best and my backbone), and my happy go lucky son. Although, it had been rough lately. He's been a bit of a beast. Just disobeying in general and not listening to a word we say. Am I not doing it right? I feel like I have tried everything and it still doesn't work. He has an outgoing personality and plays to the beat of his own drum. I don't know what to do. For the most part he is the sweetest, most loving child with tons of personality but he has these moments or days when he refuses to listen to anything we say. So, continuous time outs. Then, I feel guilty and feel like I'm not doing the right thing.

Anyway, other than that I am so super stressed about getting this job. I would love to hurry and know something, either way so I can go from there. I know I need a job. These days both parents need to work. We want a bigger house, we want a great new SUV, we want to both be stable in jobs. We want to take Jace on so many adventures. Then the bomb drops on me yesterday. Steve finds out his job could end sooner than we originally were told which was September 1st. Now, it's the end of July with them saying "it might be extended." This means absolutely shit to me. It either is or it isn't. Either way, I want a job. I really do but now I feel even more stressed knowing Steve's job could end at any time. This shit literally sucks. Now we must wait, wait, wait. The both of us. 

We would absolutely love to have another child. But, gosh. It doesn't seem to be in the works for us. We are both getting older. We can't find good, stable jobs, we obviously would need a bigger house as stated before but I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world without being prepared this time and being in a good spot in careers and actually being able to take care of them ourselves without the "system." It's frustrating. Who even knows if I can have another child? I don't, the doctors don't. But, I can't get the care I need without insurance. I can't go through testing for it or even get rid of the things that are wrong with me now because let's face it, we can't afford it. 

Oh well, I guess for now we must wait....

Dear Parents,

As I sit back and watch the world turn to shit day by day, I ponder on what life will be like for my son when he is older. This has been a problem for a while but I am noticing it more frequent these days. Parents who don't give two shits about their kids or the way they present themselves in public. Its a shame really. I hear people all the time say "America is going to shit". Blame it on politics, blame it on video games, TV, or whatever makes you feel better at the end of the day.

Its not all of that. Yes, some of it could be but you need to parent your kids. Teach them early how to be respectful, how to look presentable. Teach them that life is more than looking pretty or showing your body off. Everyone has the potential to do something with their lives, they need their parents to guide them though. If you didn't want kids but ended up with them anyway, so what, grow the hell up and deal with your kids. Its no longer about you! Its about your kids and making sure they are a productive member of society when they grow up.

I didn't think I could ever have a child. I did. I put my big girl pants on and made sure to put all of my wants on the back burner and try my best at teaching my child manners and how to be respectful. Is he always good? Not at all! He has the worst days sometimes but guess what, I try to teach him how to handle those emotions and feelings. I don't just let him sit in misery all day, I don't just let him do whatever the hell he wants.

Please, for the love of all humanity! Parent your children!!! We have all been through things. My childhood was about as fucked up as it gets. But you know what? I dealt with it, I owned it, I got through it. I broke the cycle of abuse and violence, I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't pity myself and I sure as hell am not selfish and just focused on me. My son comes first, disciplining him comes first, manners and compassion all go hand and hand.

So, get your head out of your asses and raise your kids!

End of rant. Not all of this was about the little girls I saw today. I just see so many parents right now with pre-teens and teenagers letting their kids wear, do, and say whatever they want. Its sickening.

Holding my ground.

Its been well over a year since I spoke to my father. Its not been easy to let go of someone who helped create me but as I know and some of you from reading my blogs, it was for the best. When I was near him, I was afraid still. Like the little girl I was so many years ago, finding the perfect hiding spot so no one could find me until I was ready to come out. Although I didn't hide this time I just cut him out. Not only did going around him make me on edge because you never knew when he was going to flip out but he also had a way of making everything your fault. Like he did nothing wrong during my childhood or over a year ago.

I won't sit here and lie and act like its been all peachy. The guilt I had to get through to make the decision to cut him out was almost unbearable. I would think to myself, why in the world do you feel so guilty after all he made you go through when you were growing up? Well, he was still my dad. That didn't change anything. Even though he did everything he had in previous years I forgave him and wanted a relationship with him. I thought we had made progress but he fell into his old ways again and I couldn't be around it. Not just for me but for Jace, my son. I knew not what to do with my child. I broke the cycle. Who knows what the future holds for Jace and who knows how he will be when he gets older, but it was important for me to get the people out of his life that had negative connected to them. Maybe people think I am wrong for turning my back on my family. But, you have to remember, when a family is as dysfunctional as mine is, you kind of have no choice.

The only family that is regularly in our life is my brother, sister in law, sister, nieces and nephews. That is all I need and its all Jace needs. They love us unconditionally, they love us without wanting something from us. They just love us.

Every time I begin to let a guilty feeling into my mind, I have to think. What has any of these people done for me? When the answers are more negative than positive the guilt goes away. I don't NEED people, especially family to do anything for me. I am just stating that everything in my life with my family has been negative until I decided to put my foot down and stop it. I got to where I am on my own with help from no one. Maybe some people think I haven't done much with my life. Well, if you read my blog posts then you know where I came from and where I am now. I got out, I changed my life and path. I have broken the cycle of abuse for my family. I have been to countless hours of therapy, making that decision on my own so I can make better decisions for MY family, I've retrained my mind to turn negative energy into good, I have stopped my anger outburst since my father has been out of my life. I was becoming the same person he was. Bitter and angry for what I had to go through in my life. The endless physical abuse, the two molestations, the rape. All of it was affecting my outcome. I couldn't do that.

Anytime I have people in my life now which is mostly friends except my sister, brother, and their families I don't let their negativity bother me. I did, but that was something I had to work through as well. Cutting those people out was imperative to my inner well being. I don't cut them out to be some mean, rude, bitch. But, for my own insanity and not to subject my son to such madness.

I've had people take up for the one's who caused so many problems in my life. As a matter of fact I have one person on facebook who is friends with my rapist and they are a family member. Although, I have never said a name nor will I ever because I am through that, you would think they would know what kind of person this is. Oh well, if they want to be friends with this type of person then that is their business, but it won't be mine to keep them.

With all of this said, just because you choose to still have communication with this abusive person, my father, doesn't mean I have to. You know what he has done and was still doing yet you continue to let him in your life. So be it. Let him bring you down, he will eventually. As mean as I may be made out to be I really don't  care anymore. When people ask about my parents I let them know my parents are no longer with me. My mom has been gone (RIP) for over 6 years. I just tell people my dad is gone too. After all, I consider him just a sperm donor now as he put us/me through so much hell. He does not deserve the title of father or dad.

I refuse to give up! I am a true fighter!

That title statement really says it all. I am not a quitter. At one point in my life I always said I "can't" do this and I "can't" do that. I am not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, good enough. To hell with that! I have fought my whole life to get to where I am exactly right now. I won't give up now.

There has been a lot that has happened since my last blog post and I am not sure why I have waited so long to write again? It calms me, duh! That is what I do, yet I abandoned it. Anyway, we were on a good streak for a couple of weeks. Steve got and started his new job, then we all got sick for over a week each. That set us back some and its super hard taking care of a sick 3 year old when you are sick yourself but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Got over all that croupy, upper respiratory mess finally.

Thursday, the 19th a man tried to break in the house on Jace and I at 9AM. I was doing my usual routine. Turned Max & Ruby on the TV for him and headed to the kitchen to fix his breakfast. I was in there about 3 minutes when my poor child let out this blood curdling scream, then my ADT alarm sounds. I run to the living room to grab him and see if he is hurt. That was my first thought. Not even paying attention to the alarm or my surroundings. Then I looked over and I saw it, my front door was open and Jace was pointing to the door screaming "man, coming to get me." I ran straight for the bedroom, not for the phone but our gun. If someone was in my house I would handle it better before the police got there. Luckily, where our front door is there is a little nook there where we keep the treadmill pushed in so it doesn't take up too much space. The bastard didn't get any further because of that. Had he have gotten further he would have left with an extra hole in his body. Now, when it comes to my child I will fight to the death with someone. He is my everything and I never wanted him to experience anything like this in his young 3 year old life. I, myself, already have extreme PTSD along with all the other issues from my abusive childhood. Even though nothing more happened he is still suffering from the after effects. He wakes up all night long. Then he whispers "man" in my ear most nights. We both took a nap today because he was up every 30 minutes last night and neither of us had sleep. When we woke up he was in a cheerful mood. We sat on the couch to get awakened and watch an episode of Curious George when all of a sudden a loud truck zooms by. The child literally scratched me up trying to climb up me so fast, all the while look at the front door. By this time he is screaming "man coming to get me." At this moment I hugged him as tight as I could without him seeing my face with tears streaming down my cheeks and telling him nothing is going to get him. Mommy is here to protect you. He literally would not leave my side until about an hour or more later and he finally went and played in his room a bit while I cleaned and started dinner. It just pisses me off so bad that someone would violate my family like this. I have already had to live a screwed up life before I moved here. I never wanted my son to have to face fears, not at this age. Not like this. If I knew the guy and could find him and face him, he'd regret he ever tried to break in my house. My son will now be scarred from this for a while and it makes me sad. Hopefully, as the weeks go by he will start to forget about it. For now, I just have to keep reminding him that mommy will protect him. And, I will. At all cost!

Monday, the 29th. I got a phone call about 9:30 or after. I was half asleep but it was somewhere in there. I saw on the caller ID it was Manpower (the temp agency for St. Jude). I honestly didn't know what he was calling for until I answered. I thought maybe I needed to go in early or something. When I answered the guy I have dealt with said "Sandy, I have some bad news for you." Tears immediately started to fall because I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. He said your job has ended at St. Jude and my world literally fell apart. I called my MIL first and I couldn't stop crying and I don't even know if she understood half of what I said to her in that moment but gosh I couldn't believe it. The best job I have ever had, the most fun I have ever had a job, the most I have ever felt that I was helping in a big way. Then, its ripped from me like a family member. That is what it was like. Grant it I only worked there 6 months but I LOVED it. It was MY job and I would have stayed there forever! I had told several people if it came down to working for St. Jude or setting my camera down forever it would be an easy decision for me. I would have put the camera down and worked for St. Jude. Now, I didn't get fired for anything I did wrong. I did nothing wrong at all and was a great asset to the company. I know this. Its just the whole center is closing and with myself and my fellow pal that went through training with me were temps we got the boot first. But, the whole center will shut down on June 28th and this is sad news. Some people have been there 15-20 years. I know if I loved it within the 6 months I worked there and was as devastated as I was then they must be feeling it 10 times worse and I am sorry for them. It makes me sad. With all of that being said. I feel things could have went differently. But, I will never stop believing in St. Jude. I love their mission, I love what they stand for and most of all, I love what they have done for my friends kiddos. My friend Samantha's little girl Emilee had ALL and she is now cancer free thanks to St. Jude and I know she is so very grateful for St. Jude.

 During Treatment

 In remission

This little girl is why I wanted to work for St. Jude so bad. Her mommy and I have been friends since before kindergarten. I can rest and lay my head down easily right now knowing that I did the best I could and recruited as many fundraisers as I could to help save more lives like Emilee. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had working with such an amazing group of people and for such a great cause.


Now, its back to square one for me. I've looked at several jobs already. I have some already wanting me. I could go back to photography full time but I don't know if that is truly where my passion is. Just speaking the truth here. I want more. I am driven. I want to be out there. I want people to know my whole story. I want to speak to at risk youth. I want to go back to school. But, for now that is all on hold. I have to let Steve's job fall where it may as well because his job ends in September. So, for now. We wait. Well, not me. I figure out what dead end job I want to work until he can find something permanent. We must let the cards fall where they may.

Out of all the bad stuff that has happened, I have gotten a huge out pour of love from friends and family that knew how much I loved my job. I love you all for that and it was so sweet and overwhelming for you all to thing of me in such the light that you see me in. I am forever grateful for all of you who truly do love me and care for me. I know the ones that are for me. I found that out through all of this.

In the end I know it will all be ok and I will end up where I am supposed to be. For now, I am still shocked and its only been day two and I miss my job like crazy.

Therapy with Steve

Today was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take.

Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have).

I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family.

Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had.

Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me.

As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know.

The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br="">

Been debating writing about this.

I've had some serious anxiety over writing this blog and and posting it for the world to see. But, after all the purpose for me continuing was for the world to see what's its like living with all these things that are wrong with me. Please do not judge me. I was in a bad spot and I don't need anyone preaching to me.

Monday I was in a very bad spot. I don't know what happened or came over me. I guess it was part of the disease I have. I don't really know. It was my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until 12:45 PM. I wasn't sleeping though. I was wide awake and had barely slept Sunday night. I have this weird thing where I have visions of things happening. I haven't had this happen in a long time though. I've had a few nightmares but no visions. I visioned I was working and my supervisor tells me I need to call home immediately. I log off of my computer and call Steve. When I called, Steve told me I needed to get home right away. Jace choked on something and he wasn't breathing, that the paramedics where there. I left everything at my desk and ran as fast as I could to my car, drove as fast as I could to my house. When I got here, there were firetrucks and ambulances. They told me "ma'am me did everything we could to revive him". His throat was even split from them trying to get whatever was in there out. My son was gone. Never to come back again. I lost it. I really, really lost. it.

Even though this did not happen. In my mind it felt real and I had a feeling it was going to happen. I event made sure to remind Steve when I left to make sure he watched him close when I left for work that day. My co-worker tried to say hi and talk to me and I just started crying. I kept crying in my cubicle. I had to keep going to the restroom because I kept crying. I thought something was going to happen to my son.

On my way home. I pulled over in a secluded area. Just to think and try to cry it out. Even though it was just a vision it was so real to me. Sitting there in my car, I had my medication with me. I thought about swallowing it all. I wanted to. Was very tempted. Because rationalizing this in my mind, I just knew something was going to happen to Jace and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a calmness come over me. Like I couldn't hear anything. Not even the sound of my breathing. I was ready to go, I wanted to go. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. The PTSD, OCD, GAD, and now found out I have depression in addition. I just wanted it all to end But, he was still here. I saw that beautiful photo my friend, Laura took of  Jace on my phone screen as I checked it and I drove home. I came home and gave him the tightest squeeze and the biggest kiss.

Let me say this. I've always thought this. I think when you have kids especially that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. But, now I can understand why some people do choose to end their lives that deal with some of the same issues as I do.

I could not bear to leave my son motherless. After all, look at all the issues I have had with my own mom's death and I didn't lose her until I was 22. I would have left behind an almost 3 year old. I had a lot of guilt over this as well. That's what got me the 2nd and 3rd day. I saw my therapist on the 3rd day. Didn't tell Steve until the 2nd day and as I told him, he had tears in his eyes, not knowing what to do or say to ease my pain. As I was still in the midst of my crisis. I later asked him if he would just go to one therapy session with me to listen in. He didn't have to talk because we don't need therapy. We are good in our relationship. I just need him to know how to handle me and learn about the diseases I have. He agreed in a heartbeat and I knew right then and there he was in like he said, for better or worse.

I had my therapy session on the 3rd day which was Wednesday and of course I still had a ton of guilt over wanting to rid myself knowing that I have child that loves me very much and vice versa. I cried most of the session. Was afraid that they were going to think I was crazy and send me away. Was afraid if I told anyone they would say something. It was just the fear of people judging me and thinking bad of me. I had a bad moment. Not a bad life. Even though I have over come so much, I will still have issues. Always will have some issue. And, that is the way it is with these diseases. Thankfully, my Therapist had me call the nurse right then and let her know what was going on so they could put me on something for the depression since she said that is what I am going through. I have a ton going on and am super stressed all the time right now.

Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I have been lately. My anger issues are out of control. I told my therapist I just can't get a handle on it. I haven't been mean to Steve or Jace or Family but if someone crossed me and pissed me off just right I would just snap on them and not even care. I've tried a lot of things to control this. I am currently working with her to work on this as well.

I assure you all I am fine now, except the anger part ;)

Let me tell you, I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Kristin Hix, she is fabulous. I cannot believe how much our friendship has grown in the amount of time we have known one another. I really do consider her a great friend and she was there for me through this whole thing. I felt like she was the only one who would be able to understand what I was going through. She did too and was able to talk to be and talk me through certain things. Not going into to much detail as her story is hers to tell on her own but she has had her fair share of issues so she kind of knew exactly what I was going through and feeling. I love you girl. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life and to have our friendship. You are a gem of a friend and I am glad I found you.

The many faces.....

 I am happy with my life. Let me start by saying that. The name of this blog post comes from the many faces that I show. You would never know if I didn't tell you that I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I can tell you, its not a fun roller coaster to be on. I have to try harder than the average person to be "normal" on a day to day basis. Its hard. Then, one little thing can tear you down and tear you to shreds. Not ever knowing that something is sneaking up on you. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well. I had nightmares practically all night. Woke up several times and checked on Jace because I thought something was going to happen to him. My mind races and then wonders, and then thinks something is going to happen. It was my day to sleep in today. I didn't do much sleeping back there laying in bed. I cried mostly. I cried thinking about something happening to Jace or something happening to my family. When I finally managed to crawl out of bed (I don't feel good anyway, I'm sick), I just felt all out of sorts. I was on the verge of tears all night. Even when a coworker asked me how I was doing I almost burst into tears. I later had to take a pause from photo calls and go the restroom and cry my eyes out again. When I got home. I hid away a few times and cried some more. I'd be lying if I said I weren't right now. I can't help it. I know people have more issues and worse issues than I do, I know that. I am not feeling sorry for myself at all. But, this shit just isn't right. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit if my dad would have given two shits about his kids but he didn't. I know I am not him, I know I act nothing like him. But just being bred by him disgusts me. Being raised by him disgusts me. Maybe when he is dead and no longer on this earth it will help some of these feelings. Maybe it won't. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

I also fell like I carry or I must carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to do things for everyone and be there for everyone and some of my friends jut don't get it. I can't always be there. I have a family and I have a life too. I am sorry that I can't be up your ass 24/7 but I just can't. I love my friends (a very few of them) like my family, but just because we don't always talk doesn't mean I don't think of you.

I am beyond stressed right now. Still not promised a job with St. Jude. Waiting on a final decision from Memphis, Steve cannot find a job, Jace is potty training one day and the next he is peeing every where, I don't make enough money, I can't afford the bills, Steve is working on his Masters while he can't find a job. Its just all so over whelming. Its killing me. I feel like I am just going to snap on someone one day (not the kinda snap you see on TV, I'm not that damn crazy. I just need some me time. I need some time alone. I need to not worry about everything. I need to keep my mind focused on work and my family but I can't. Not having all the fucked up shit that is wrong with me. The medication I guess doesn't help with that. And, please for Pete's sake don't anyone try to give advice because the last time I checked I don't have any doctors on my damn friends list. I exercise. I've tried meditation. I can get enough sleep. I take medication. I go to therapy. I AM TRYING!

You never know

As I sat in my therapy session the other day, my therapist asked me the usual how are have you been question. Then, how were the holidays.Of course it was all fine. I had a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.

So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.

I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life.

It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.

Thankful

As we were driving down the road today to our friends house and Jace was singing to the music I had playing, I realized just how lucky I am.

I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through.

Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.

Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.

For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.

My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much. 

Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.

Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.

My head is going to explode.

I have tried to keep my cool all day. I really have. Ran into some issues this morning and I swear if I could have gotten through that phone this morning I would have choked a few people. I've noticed people are giving a shit less about one another. I mean, were is the compassion, love, sincerity? Its non existent (well, most of the time). I've been trying hard for so long to keep my anger in check and I have been doing a fairly good job at it. At this point I just feel like there is no more holding back. People are pissing me the hell off. I know, I know. We control how we handle things but damn, do people have to make it so hard to be nice to them.

Not even to mention what my piece of shit sperm donor has pulled lately. By the way he has tried to call me once, the first of December. First time in a year. Of course I didn't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He called my brother bitching, asking him why I don't talk to him anymore. See, this is what he does. Its a pattern. The funny part is. I have always been the forgiving one. The one who took his side when he pulled his shit and tried to talk my sister and brother into talking to him. And, to try to understand him better. Gah, was I a fucking fool! I should have just left and ran away when I had the chance, then I wouldn't have had to live through the hell he put me through and maybe I would be a little less angry! Anyway, after that he decided to sent me and Jace a card in the mail. For Christmas. I started to put return to sender on it but opened it for shits and giggles. It only pissed me off worse. Oh, don't get me wrong. The card "to his daughter" was quite a beautiful card with the nicest saying on it. Then he writes "I wish you would call me, or tell me why you won't talk to me". Ha! Seriously! Hmmmm, let me think. Because you are a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself and when you get a new woman in your life you drop your kids like a bad habit! Fuck off!

This man makes me angry. More angry than anything in this world. To top it all off he did something he shouldn't have and I won't say because I want to protect the privacy of another family member. But, its sorry as hell you can't be there for your own family when they are in the middle of a fucking crisis. You can't drop your new family to help your "old" one that wouldn't affect your life that much! Not even to mention that you have been going around buying fucking pills! I bet your precious wife doesn't know about that! Go ahead. Stay hooked on your pills, hide shit from your wife, wait for her to leave you and then try crawling back to your family. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BUDDY!

Besides all of this. It really pisses me off when people email me and ask me to do photos for them for dirt cheap. Not only for them but for their entire family. Um, hell no! I am worth more than that. I have to pay bills and survive just like the rest of you. So, people want me to spend all my time photographing their special moments with their families to be away from mine and pay me nothing. Ha. That's fucking hilarious. I don't work for free and when I do its for a good cause and its because someone has touched my heart. Not just because you think you are entitled to "cheaper" photos or that I am "way too expensive". If that is the case I can send you to someone who is dirt cheap whose photos look like shit. How about that?!

I will end by saying this. I am tired of petty people. I won't tolerate any of you, anymore. If you deleted from my friends list you will know why. I am tired of the dumbness, the constant postings on facebook that say if you love Jesus hit like, if not you like the devil. Seriously, that's just fucking dumb. I don't mind that you believe, doesn't bother me a bit. But, you post that or oh praise the lord he is so good to me and so on and so fourth and then the weekend rolls around and you are in photos throwing up your gang signs, smoking doobies, and drinking with next to no clothes on. Find some clothes and  take care of your damn kids instead of partying every night of your life. Teach some real values.

Well, I guess that is all I have to bitch about for now. Stay tuned for more rants in the future. I will be sure not to disappoint.

PS. For the love of all humanity, if you do not agree with anything I have said. Do not like my use of profanity, or I have offended you then get the hell off my page because I don't care to hear about it!