About Me

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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Graduated and discharged....

First let me say, wow. Its been almost a year since my last post. With good reason, of course. Things have been going pretty darn good in my life, our life. So, nothing to write about. I know most people get annoyed with all of my facebook posts. That's ok. I don't mind. Lol. I am happy and I like the world to know that I am happy. Don't like it, so be it :) At the end of the day I don't have to be around you, I get to be around the people who are responsible for my happiness.

I will start by talking about one of the people that puts a few smiles a day on my face, Steve. I am so very proud of all he has accomplished. I would have never thought that we would be where we are right now. He has literally been in school the entire time we have been together. He worked full time jobs and went to school full time for the past few years. I know it has not been easy on him. We have definitely seen each other at our worst. We both made it out though and have so much to be thankful for at this point. Who knew when we started our journey together that we would have a son in the midst of all our chaos, we would get married, and start living our happily ever after? Steve means the world to me, and it I have to remind him of that on a daily basis now, I will. He deserves it! He deserves all that and more for everything he has accomplished.

As far as I go, I have been doing great. I had my moments, and still have a little moment every now and then. But, I am doing great in comparison to how I was doing. Life sometimes throws us huge curve balls and if we have never been taught the skills on how to catch them, they can sometimes make a person have a meltdown. I am so very thankful for the support system that I have had the past couple of years. I could not have done it without you guys. I could not have gotten through what I had to deal with when I first started therapy and I surely wouldn't have gotten through what I was going through a few months ago. I know I am not the best friend these days and have started to put myself first. For those that know what I am talking about, I am sorry, but it had to be done. I am not being selfish. I have to take care of me though. If I don't, I won't be any good for my own family. If you don't quite understand that logic, I am sorry.

Also, I have done great with keeping the people away in my life that was causing all the pain. Again, maybe people think I am cold, mean, and a down right bitch. I am totally and 100% fine with that. There comes a time in your life that you have to let the people in your life who cause you so much cloudiness go. They are detrimental to your health. With that, I guess its been close to 3 years since I have spoken to my dad. I still have nothing to say to him and don't think I ever will. When someone cannot admit when they have done something wrong, or just apologize for what they have done then they have no truly changed from what they were. I've heard so many sob stories and I honestly do not feel sorry for him. He did this to himself. I didn't do it. I blamed myself for years over the things that happened to me. Maybe I did something wrong to cause all of those beatings. Nope, I did not. I was a pretty good kid. I did some bad things in my teen years, yes. But, I was a good kid and I didn't deserve the hand I was dealt by him. If he cannot acknowledge what he did all those years where wrong, I don't have anything to say to him. If he continues to deny he ever did all the things we've accused him of, I still have nothing to say to him. I blamed myself for years for the abuse he handed out, I blamed myself for the time I was molested by moms ex boyfriends brother, I blamed myself for getting raped at the age of 13 at a friends house. It wasn't my fault, it was theirs. I didn't do anything to influence any of them to do what they did to me. It took me this many years to figure it all out. I did though, with the help of my wonderful therapist, my wonderful, amazing husband, and a few good friends. Like my therapist said from the beginning "A burden shared, is a burden cut in half." I never knew how much that phrase would carry me, but it did.

This year I will turn 30. I cannot tell you all how flipping excited I am for this milestone in my life. Call me crazy if you will, but if you had to walk in my shoes you would understand completely. See, maybe I have never graduated from a college. Maybe I don't have the highest paying job in the world, maybe I have accomplished much in my life. That is all ok because I am 100% happy with my life, everything and everyone in my life. The things that I have accomplished probably seem irrelevant to most. I've done what I set out to do many years ago. I was the only one in my immediate family to graduate high school (at the time that was a huge deal for me). I also did exactly what I said I was going to do. I left. I left Mississippi. I left the place that still causes me some pain every time I visit. I had quite a few bumps in the road after I left, but I am here now and I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. I worked hard to get to this point and I deserve to pat myself on the back for it.

I had my very last therapy and doctors appt on Thursday. They discharged me. They call it "graduating." Either way, I am done with it. I've made all the progress I can possibly make. I've talked every thing that was wrong with me, out. There is nothing left to talk about because I am great. Its one of the best feelings in the world. Now, all I that is left to do, is to continue to wean myself off of my medication.

For all of my readers: Thank you all very much for reading my posts throughout the years. You all helped me in the process. I am forever grateful. If you are reading my blog for the first time, go back and read some previous posts. You never know, it could help you with something you have been dealing with. Its helped others. Peace!