About Me

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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, April 20, 2012

Jumping the tracks...

Every now and then we jump the tracks and don't realize it. In the past few days my body has been adjusting to not having a certain medication. I will tell you this. I feel great. I had people telling me that I was acting differently than normal and I would get pissed, naturally. I was having horrible mood swings and it was not just the medication but the side effect of the medication. Causing my blood pressure to drop to the low 90's/the low 50's which I don't know about any of you but if you BP has ever been that low you know how it feels. It makes you weak, not want to do anything, bitchy, snippy, sleepy, tired, dizzy, etc. I mean, I really could go on and on. I have been living it for months but didn't realize it. Since I have come off the med I realize the change in myself. Although, yesterday I had the shakes because my body wanted the medication I didn't give in. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. I fill a bottled half full of hot water the day before and dissolved every one of them and threw them away. I had to. For me. For Jace. For Steve. For all of us. If I didn't I really do believe I would have ended up dying because it wasn't being monitored enough. I kept calling my psychiatrist office and her nurse and never got calls back. I ended up in the hospital and its because of the med I do know that now, for sure, myself. I don't need a doctor to figure that one out for me.

With all of that being said I started therapy and the getting help process in order to be healed from the demons of my past. Not the demons I created, but the one's others created for me. I have gotten help from my lovely therapist and she has brought me a long way from when I started. She really has. I have let a lot of things go and am now free of those things. But, somewhere along the way with 1 medication I lost myself. Thankfully, I am fully aware of that now and am no longer taking it and I am back on track.

I have made a lot of progress and this is not me bragging on myself. To be able to openly speak about my molestation and rape was huge for me. It really was. To be able to let the family secrets out was also huge for me. In all of that, I am healed of most but I still have issues with my father that I don't think I can work out until I talk to him face to to face. That day will come and when it does I will have no guilt or shame for what I say. Its time for me to speak up and I will this time. I have always hidden behind a goofy grin or silly laugh to let things go. But, not this time. Its time to get down to business and let him know I have let the demons out and they are not mine to own anymore. They are his and he must own them.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Their part in your story is over.

I've lost several friends lately. Some on my part and some on theirs. Its hard losing friends especially when you have been friends and seem to keep losing them the same way. I guess its meant to be this way but its hard. Especially when their friendship has meant so much to you over the years. Its time to move on and let it go though and I don't think this time I can get it back. Its been to many times gone wrong. I can't be hurt by it again. My heart can't take any more hurt. Its been put through enough. I'd rather stay guarded the rest of my life than feel the hurt of getting close to another person and the friendship falling apart.

I had another good friend that I used to talk to on an almost daily basis but I had to cut that friendship myself to keep myself healthy. They weren't mentally healthy and trying to kill themselves and in and out of mental hospitals. I was there for them through it all but once they got well I had to go. I couldn't be around it any longer. I wanted to be a good friend but I couldn't. I have to take care of me for me and for my family. I have to be happy for us and to put my family first.

If you are my friend and want to continue to be my friend, that is great. I appreciate that. But, once you betray my trust its over. I'm done. I've changed a lot from the person I once was and I will never go back to that person but I will tell you this. You betray me and you will not be in my life any longer.

As most of you know I don't deal with people walking in and out of my life easily and I don't accept it. If you are here to be my friend you are here. I don't allow part timers. I have abandonment issues and if you've kept up with my blog I am pretty sure you already know this and know the reason why. I think they are pretty valid. I've let people walk out and come back in before. Now, once you walk out,  you don't come back in. I'm done.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

I thought about these lyrics a lot when I was in the hospital. I knew I wasn't going to die obviously. They came to me because I got word that some relatives were asking about me that hasn't given two shits about me in a long time. I don't care if they read this. I know they will. My sister told me they ask about me. If they cared, they would have asked about me long ago when it mattered. Not now when I am sick. I won't say what I told my sister when she told me. I really do try not to curse to bad so I'd rather not say, but I am sure you can imagine. I have nothing for them. They should have known not to call and ask about me. They are nothing to me. As far as I am concerned they are no relation to me. That's, that.

There was also some question that someone may call my dad. I told every single person in my family that I do still talk to if they did I would never speak to them again. If he can't talk to me when I am well, he doesn't deserve to speak to me when I am sick. I saw him a couple of weeks before Christmas. Made a special trip down to have a family Christmas and he barely had anything to do with anyone. Stayed on the phone mostly with his wife's family. Barely played with Jace after I drove 9 hours to be sure we were there. He hasn't called me since Christmas. Well, he didn't even call then. I called him. All he talked about was what all his wife got him for Christmas. To me, this is not a dad, not a father. This is a boastful, bragging person who only cares about himself and his "new" family. If I am going to be honest here. Lets lay it all out. Right here and right now. I am 27 years old. For the 27 years I have been alive I can say there has been MAYBE 1 full year my dad has been an active participant in my life. Now he is married to a woman that he lives with and helps her take care of her Alzheimer's mother, and her brother who I consider to Mentally Retarded although she won't admit that. Says there is something else. But, in case my dad forgets that is what I did for a job for several years so I know these things. So he abandoned his kids for many years when they were babies, kids, teens, and now adults to do what? Go live in this situation. Am I jealous? No! I wouldn't call it that. Am I pissed beyond every imagination? Hell yes I am! A Father doesn't do that to his first family! I am not blaming it on her. Its not her fault. Could she could encourage him more, yes!

I can honestly say this with no remorse or guilt in my heart or soul. Maybe I am wrong and maybe someday I will regret it. If I do, then I will address it then. I have nothing to say to him. I consider him another passer-by in the world. If I see him when I go to MS that is what I consider him. If he wants to talk, I will talk to him. But, I will do the talking. He won't have a chance. I have a lot to say. Its my turn to say what I need to say. He has had 27 years to say what he has needed to say and he hasn't said it yet. Instead, he has torn his kids apart piece by piece. Instead of encouraging us our entire life he has downed us. The only thing he has encouraged us to do is fight. Crying was a sign of weakness. Any kind of emotion was a sign of weakness. Getting through that was a battle but here I am! I proved you I can over come the HELL you put me through, and I won't continue to let you rule my life. The emotions that come with that will be gone.

If I have the courage to see my rapist and look him in the eyes even if it was on the internet the other night and be ok I have the courage to let you go and the baggage you come with. I am free from you and whatever comes with you. If I ever see you again, I won't be afraid to tell you. I've been afraid of you my entire life but I am not anymore. I have found my voice. I have found my courage and my strength.

If it were just words maybe my life would be easier, who knows?  But, I am a strong and powerful woman now and you cannot break me. No one can.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

"You encouraged me to share my feelings by reading your blogs"

These are the words I read from a message last night. A message from my best friend. The friend I have known the longest. I knew she had been having difficulties with her life recently but tried to stay out of her choices as much as possible. She knew I was there for her if she needed me. I told her that many times, but she knew she had to make these decisions on her own and she did.

She told me months ago about some things that happened to her when she was younger (I won't go into detail because that's her business to share). I never knew until then. It broke my heart and when she told me I cried for days. I knew her during this time and yet I had no idea. All the same time she knew me when I had things happen to me yet she knew nothing of mine. Crazy how things work that way. We were both abused yet had no idea. She had the courage to say something last night and she said I gave her that courage by reading my reading my blogs. I still cry about that statement. When I started this blog I told Steve and my therapist both I wanted to do this not only for me but in hopes that it would help at least someone. Anyone else. I didn't care who it was. Never knowing it would be my best friend.

This woman is strong, beautiful, and powerful. I wasn't going to say her name but she won't mind and I am even going to add her photo. She means the world to me and she knows this. She has overcame a lot in her young life like I have. She deserves the recognition. She has been an abused child and woman but has overcome it, she had a child with cancer who overcame it and had many long trips to Memphis for treatments but has kept her own faith through it all.

She is another example that you can turn your life around no matter the things that get thrown your way. You can make a new life for yourself and be happy with it. You can make a difference. All you have to do is want it.

I love you Samantha and no matter the miles between us you will always be my best friend.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The unknown of the known....

All of you on my friends list know what is going on with me health wise. I don't have to explain it all over again. I don't say things or write about things for people to feel sorry for me, that's not what I want. If anyone thinks that, they are just fools. I have to let my emotions out and sometimes its the best way for me to do that. Plus, most of my family and dear friends wanted to stay up to date on what was going on with me in the hospital. Its hard to text a ton of people at once especially being in the hospital so Facebook was my way of getting the word around to everyone.

I've had a really hard time dealing with my emotions over this whole ordeal and my actual diagnosis. People tell me to think positive, everything is going to be alright, its not that bad, can't think of the what-if's, etc. I know they all mean well (I really do know you all mean well). Its just you are not in my situation. You don't know what is going on in my mind or my thought process. There are a 100 things going on in there that are telling me this or that could go wrong or maybe I won't get to see my son again at some point. Or maybe if they have to stick a tube in my brain to drain the fluid they may miss, hit the wrong spot and either kill me or mess me up really bad. Yes! These things go through my mind, as they should after what happened to my mom I don't know what normal person couldn't think these things. Really.

Then, the big one. I get so angry. This is not supposed to be happening to me. I know I did things to people in the past. Lied before, even stole once or twice when my dad wasn't around to survive, but I have lived a pretty decent life. I am kind and nice to people. I am genuine and do for others without ever thinking of myself. But, then you have these people like my dad for instance. Who did to my family what he did. Then you have my molester who is still out there living it up everyday, not a thing in the world wrong with him. Oh, wait. Then you have my rapist who is probably a pot head I am assuming and has a few kids, decent job I assume and home last time I knew of. Nothing wrong with him. So, why me? Why not them?! Why do I have to suffer more pain and agony when they are living their lives so freaking care-free? I'm not a mean person and I try to be nice to everyone. But, this-this makes me want to go to all three and tell them how I feel and beat the living hell out of all of them. I want to beat them until they can't walk and then talk to them and push them around like they did to me. Torture them like they did to me. Make them feel the torture I have felt for so many years. Make them feel the pain I am suffering right now because I feel it should be them and not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to hold on to everything and hold it together for the sake of myself and my family. But, its hard. I know everyone is going to comment on here to say things will get better and you can't think like that and I know they may get better. But, what if it doesn't? What will I be left holding then? What will my son face? What will Steve face?

These are my thoughts and mine alone. I will be glad when its all over and I hope its just something they can go in and correct hurriedly and make no mistakes. In and out. I really do. If you have been following my blog from the beginning you may see why I have my hesitations. While my life is pretty well on track or was, things have always been bad in my life and it feels like now its going that way again. I am getting married in a little over 5 months to my soul mate and it could all fall apart because of this and I am scared shitless.