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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, January 13, 2013

You never know

As I sat in my therapy session the other day, my therapist asked me the usual how are have you been question. Then, how were the holidays.Of course it was all fine. I had a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.

So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.

I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life.

It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


As we were driving down the road today to our friends house and Jace was singing to the music I had playing, I realized just how lucky I am.

I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through.

Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.

Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.

For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.

My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much. 

Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.

Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

My head is going to explode.

I have tried to keep my cool all day. I really have. Ran into some issues this morning and I swear if I could have gotten through that phone this morning I would have choked a few people. I've noticed people are giving a shit less about one another. I mean, were is the compassion, love, sincerity? Its non existent (well, most of the time). I've been trying hard for so long to keep my anger in check and I have been doing a fairly good job at it. At this point I just feel like there is no more holding back. People are pissing me the hell off. I know, I know. We control how we handle things but damn, do people have to make it so hard to be nice to them.

Not even to mention what my piece of shit sperm donor has pulled lately. By the way he has tried to call me once, the first of December. First time in a year. Of course I didn't answer because I have nothing to say to him. He called my brother bitching, asking him why I don't talk to him anymore. See, this is what he does. Its a pattern. The funny part is. I have always been the forgiving one. The one who took his side when he pulled his shit and tried to talk my sister and brother into talking to him. And, to try to understand him better. Gah, was I a fucking fool! I should have just left and ran away when I had the chance, then I wouldn't have had to live through the hell he put me through and maybe I would be a little less angry! Anyway, after that he decided to sent me and Jace a card in the mail. For Christmas. I started to put return to sender on it but opened it for shits and giggles. It only pissed me off worse. Oh, don't get me wrong. The card "to his daughter" was quite a beautiful card with the nicest saying on it. Then he writes "I wish you would call me, or tell me why you won't talk to me". Ha! Seriously! Hmmmm, let me think. Because you are a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself and when you get a new woman in your life you drop your kids like a bad habit! Fuck off!

This man makes me angry. More angry than anything in this world. To top it all off he did something he shouldn't have and I won't say because I want to protect the privacy of another family member. But, its sorry as hell you can't be there for your own family when they are in the middle of a fucking crisis. You can't drop your new family to help your "old" one that wouldn't affect your life that much! Not even to mention that you have been going around buying fucking pills! I bet your precious wife doesn't know about that! Go ahead. Stay hooked on your pills, hide shit from your wife, wait for her to leave you and then try crawling back to your family. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BUDDY!

Besides all of this. It really pisses me off when people email me and ask me to do photos for them for dirt cheap. Not only for them but for their entire family. Um, hell no! I am worth more than that. I have to pay bills and survive just like the rest of you. So, people want me to spend all my time photographing their special moments with their families to be away from mine and pay me nothing. Ha. That's fucking hilarious. I don't work for free and when I do its for a good cause and its because someone has touched my heart. Not just because you think you are entitled to "cheaper" photos or that I am "way too expensive". If that is the case I can send you to someone who is dirt cheap whose photos look like shit. How about that?!

I will end by saying this. I am tired of petty people. I won't tolerate any of you, anymore. If you deleted from my friends list you will know why. I am tired of the dumbness, the constant postings on facebook that say if you love Jesus hit like, if not you like the devil. Seriously, that's just fucking dumb. I don't mind that you believe, doesn't bother me a bit. But, you post that or oh praise the lord he is so good to me and so on and so fourth and then the weekend rolls around and you are in photos throwing up your gang signs, smoking doobies, and drinking with next to no clothes on. Find some clothes and  take care of your damn kids instead of partying every night of your life. Teach some real values.

Well, I guess that is all I have to bitch about for now. Stay tuned for more rants in the future. I will be sure not to disappoint.

PS. For the love of all humanity, if you do not agree with anything I have said. Do not like my use of profanity, or I have offended you then get the hell off my page because I don't care to hear about it!