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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, March 30, 2012

Abuse follows you if you let it.

When I stood up to my dad like I did I didn't know at the time that I was so naive to fall into a trap with a controlling man/boy! How could I have been so stupid. I dated him through high school. our relationship was ok. It wasn't anything great. He treated me fine but didn't want me to have friends. In fact I didn't go to either prom because he didn't want me to go. he isolated me from my family too. Didn't want me seeing anyone but wanted me to always be around his family. This was after I moved in with him. After we got out on our own. He moved me into a house that was pretty disgusting to say the least and we had to clean it from top to bottom before we could ever move in it. I, of course, had to do most of the cleaning because he was lazy. I still was in high school and working a job right after. We moved in and stayed together for 4 very long years.

Even after the verbal abuse he put me through and wouldn't work I still stayed another two years years. I shouldn't have. All I ever heard come out of his mouth was "you fat bitch, if you ever leave you won't ever find someone who loves you like I do" or my personal favorite "you're a fucking lazy bitch." Ha, yea. That would be you doll laying up in bed all day while I work my ass off while you play your game cube. The whole time letting the dog shit and piss in our then apartment (that we had moved into) Ok. I was the lazy one. Such a douche. Just have to get that out there. Then there would be his clothes piles behind the bathroom door where you couldn't get it open hardly of HIS clothes waiting on his grandmother to come get them to wash them for him. Um, yea. If you're gonna be a man, take on the responsibility. Don't be an ass and treat your woman like dirt after you have ask her to marry you all the while living a double life.

I had already decided to leave anyway. I got the guts to leave finally. I said I am done with you and want nothing more to do with you. Of course the night before I was to leave I didn't come home till well after midnight and he was still up waiting for me, crying. Begging me to stay. I told him no and to leave me alone. I made him pack what little I could in my car. I told him I'd be back in a couple of house to get some more things out of MY bedroom.  We were sleeping in different rooms by this time. When I got back he had slit every one of my stuffed animals throats. Yea, talk about psycho. I've had to deal with quite a few of those. I told him I was taking this stuff back and getting my dad to come pick up the stuff I bought and paid for with my money in our apt. When I got back all that was left was a couch and a bunch of used condoms underneath.

Wanna know where those came from? Oh yea, the juicy part. Should of known with me there one be one. He was cheating on me the entire time. I am not ashamed to tell it either. I didn't do it and yes I get tested. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was cheating on me with a man! A man I knew very well. One I was friends with. I don't have an issue with gay and lesbians. What I have an issues with is when they come between a relationship like they did mine and did me like this. I was actually friends with the gay guy before he even knew the guy I was dating/engaged too. So, it was a big slap in the face. As soon as I found I told them both if I ever tested and came out with anything I shoot them both! And, I meant it. You don't play Russian Roulette with someone else's life like that. Its not theirs to play with. I don't care how many condoms I found there may have been a night one wasn't used. Ew.

After all of this, thanks to a good friend of mine that was in the car with me for grabbing my steering wheel because I almost ran them over with my car. I feel I had every right. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The day I turned 18 was the best and worst day of my life.

Most kids, when they turn 18 get to have a party to celebrate the becoming of an adult. I mean, you can buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, party, stay out later, supposed to go to college. But, instead I got to do something else. Something that I hadn't planned on until 4 days prior.

Four days before my 18th I remember taking a shower. Doing my normal thing. It was on a Tuesday. My car was parked in front where my dad always instructed me to park. It was halfway in the grass. He didn't tell me he was going to mow the lawn. Especially that part. So I was in the back, in the shower and of course I didn't hear him at all. He said he honked the horn and of course if you are washing  your hair you won't hear that either.

Anyway, he comes in the house and I am still in the shower and he starts beating on the bathroom door. I yell out and say "yea". He asks what I am doing. I am thinking to myself "duh, I'm taking a freaking shower" but I didn't. I knew better. So I said showering. He yells at me and tells me to hurry up. I am thinking something is wrong so I hurry to dry off, put my clothes on, wrap my towel around my head and find him leaning against the kitchen counter. I saw the red in his face then. I knew he was mad about something but had no idea about what. He said "did you not hear me blowing your fucking horn"? "No, I didn't. I have been taking a shower." He told me to go get his belt. I immediately said no because I had done nothing wrong and went and sat on the couch. He went and got the belt anyway. He said you can take the ass whooping the hard way or you can take the right way. I asked him what I had done wrong and he never would answer me. He is never the one to try to talk things out. I told him I wasn't moving because I did nothing wrong. I guess standing my ground for the first time in my life, was the wrong thing to do by the physical abuse I endured that day but the right thing to do by standing up to a man that has shown he doesn't care about who he abuses. He grabbed me by the towel on my hair and flung me in the floor and proceeded to beat me like he had never beat me before. There was no one left. My mom left him. My sister snuck out of the window on her 18th birthday. My brother left, it was my turn.

That man, my dad, my supposed protector beat me until he couldn't breathe. I had blood running from my arms, my legs, my face, my butt, my back, you name, it was there. I had bruises all over my body. My face was puffy. I called the cops. You know what they said. Well, you live too far. You wanna know why? This is after my dad had his "coming to god experience" and was preaching at the jails. Yea. The good ole boy system. SCREW THEM! I still say it. I told that 911 operator right then and there that if I found her I her I would do way worse to her.  But, I wanted to be in jail until my 18th birthday to get away from my dad and they still wouldn't come and get me for threatening them. 

When that Friday rolled around my good friend Sandee let me borrow a huge purse she had the night before so I could pack what I could fit in there. I told my dad bye that morning and said I'd see him that afternoon. I never went to school that day, I tried to gather myself and call the police to let them know where the car was that my dad gave me. His name was still on it and I knew him too well. He would say I stole it and they would come pick me up. I actually called the sheriff personally because I worked with his brother. I let him know that he knew my dad too well and he knew that he was going to try some things if I didn't come home. I knew the rules though and I know I didn't have to go home so I'd probably have to call him again a little later.

I called my dad when school got out from an unknown number. I told him where the car was and I wasn't coming home. I said my momma may have put up with your abuse for 22 years but I won't and  you have lost your last person to abuse. He told me on the phone if I came home we would forget all about this. I knew better than that. I do believe if I went home. He would have beat me worse or almost to death. I really do. I promise myself that day, another man would never lay his hands on me and I have kept that promise to myself. I didn't talk to my dad for almost a year after this ordeal. He never apologized for it until he came up here almost 2 years ago. Then he joked about it later so now I don't consider it an apology. He has no remorse for it. He thinks he did nothing wrong. To be quite honest he called someone a liar recently for even bringing it up to him. Ha. Yea. I am a liar. I made this shit up but went to school the next day with the wounds to prove it. The principle even called me to the office to ask me what happened to me. I mean, really? This shit came out of thin air? I don't think so, dude. He knows he did it.

There is more to this story, not about him but who I moved with and I'll tell that in the next one.

As always thanks for reading.  Hope in some way I am helping someone

Monday, March 19, 2012

A day I will never forget.

I thought I had made this up all in my head or had some weird dream about this until I finally asked my sister about a few years ago. Many years ago actually. I was little when this happened is the reason I questioned it so much I guess. As you have read my dad had a temper. Every adult in the county we lived in knew this well. He would go off at the drop of a hat. Didn't matter what it was or who it was. He was scared or nothing or no one and didn't care about going to jail or prison. Actually been a couple of times.

Anyway, this man whom I have no clue who he is/was acted like he was going to run his van into our house while we (the kids) were home with momma one day. Of course my dad didn't take that lightly. I am sure my dad did something to piss this man off to make him do something like that, trying to get back at him or something.

My dad thinks the best course of action is to beat the living crap out of this man with his fist and his handy leather belt. Not just with him around but with his kids and his wife having to watch and not just at his house but on a river bridge. The Mississippi folks will know where I am talking about. When you used to take the back roads to Coffeeville and to go over that long river bridge. That's the one. He took that man in front of that fan at the end of that bridge when there was no water, but it was still high and beat him till he couldn't stand right there in front of us. I remember trying not to look but I did and I was crying and sobbing and I remember my mom telling us it would be okay and it would all be over soon. Finally, he stopped kicking him after he was already down. The man on the ground was all bloody. What happened next played over in my mind for years and I still think of it from time to time. He dragged the man to he guard rail and chucked him over. I don't know what ever happened to him. I doubt he died. There was no water there. I'm sure it took a day or two to find him or for him to climb out. But, it haunted me for years. The not knowing. Even though I didn't do it or have anything to do with it. I was a child. Maybe 5.

My dad was an angry man and apparently still is. I just hope for the sake of himself he finds peace one of these days because he has already burned this bridge.

Lets talk religion......

This is a highly touchy subject for most folks. I am not asking for your opinions here at all. So lets get that straight first of all. I don't want anyone commenting on this blog by abusing how someone else feels or questioning them about what they do or do not believe. This is about how I feel and its to help me move along in my own healing process. Weather you agree with me or not. Sure, I may lose a few friends. May even lose a few clients. But, if I lose friends then you weren't my true friend to begin with.

I started going to church at a young age. I won't say where. A couple of friends know where. I loved going but only for the fact of seeing the friends there. I didn't know at the time what god or jesus meant. How would I? If you've read my previous blogs, I mean really? How would I?

My dad had his coming to god experience sometime after my mom left him and it changed him for a few weeks. Made us go to church every Sunday and Wednesday and read our bibles. Never got to watch TV, listen to the radio, or play card games. He threw them all out the back door and smashed them with an aluminum baseball bat. Poof, there they went. So, what did we have to do when he was whoring around? Look at the walls and mostly fight. We got into a lot of trouble at school. I remember getting suspended for fighting several times. Getting kicked off the school bus and so was my brother. I mean really, what did people expect of us? We had a mother who we couldn't see and a dad who was proclaiming to be a christian man but whoring around with every woman would pull her panties down and doing only who knows what with.

Anyway, he finally saw the light again but still had his "temper tantrums" I'll call them cause that's the way it seemed. When things didn't go his way he always took it out on us. We were his victims. Though he proclaimed to be a man of god. Yea. Ok.

Although, I went to a Baptist church for many years and was saved and baptized and did once believe I no longer do. That may be a hard pill to swallow for many of you but its who I am. I guess calling myself atheist would be a harsh term or even agnostic would be a harsh term to use. But, to be quite honest I don't believe in anything nor have faith in anything. Feel sorry for me if you like or think it may be hard for me to sleep at night. But, its not. It is what helps me sleep at night. I don't believe there is a heaven nor a hell therefore I don't worry about either and no I don't believe there is a devil or satan or whatever you want to call him.

I believe in absolutely nothing but the family I still have left that I talk to on a regular basis, my friends, and myself. I hope to not lose friends over this but if I do. Like I said above so be it. I am tired of living a lie and acting like I am something I am totally not. That is not me. I am me. I won't live a lie any longer. Take me as I am or don't take me at all.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Things do seem to get harder before they get better,

I went through about a 3 week spell where I was snippy with everyone. Everyone was telling me this but I wasn't listening of course. Then, when they were telling me I'd get snippy because of course it would piss me off. I don't think it really had much to do with medication as much as everyone one thought, although I know it did some. I had to get adjusted to it. It was my emotions running high over the fact that all of these things I've kept hidden for so long were coming out. Things about my molestation, my rape, my dad's beatings, his walking out on my brother and I, and just his lack of ever being a real father to us. Its hard to go through those emotions and feel like no one is there with you.

Yes, I have tons of friends to talk to. But, honestly how many of you have been in my situation? None of you. So you really don't have the right words to say, at no fault of your own. Not blaming you for that one bit or saying that in a mean or negative way what so ever. I am just saying nothing you say or do can fix the emotional side of what I am feeling when I am going through what I am going through in those times. No matter what you do or say. What I need is for someone to hold me, let me cry it out, and tell me that every thing is going to be alright. I know everything is going to be alright. I do. I am making an effort to be sure everything is going to be alright. I am taking those steps to better myself to make sure that happens for myself and my family. I swear for however long it takes and whatever it takes it will work. I have a family to think about and they are the most important people in my life. Steve is my true soul mate and I love him with all of my heart. We are meant to be. Jace is a handful at times but he is my handful and he is my miracle baby! I will do whatever it takes to keep the bond we all three have going and make sure it is never broken.

Now that I have said all of that, Thankfully those three weeks are over and I feel myself again :) Much love and peace to all.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Therapy was hard today.

I didn't know I had so much bottled in. The first 30 minutes were fine and then we started talking about my dad and I exploded with emotions. I burst into tears. I hate him yet I love him. He is my father yet I would rather him not be. I would love to go back to the relationship we had just a few short months ago yet I would love to never see nor speak to him again.

I have so many feelings when it comes to him. He's my dad but he never acted like one so why should I feel some sort of guilt or emotion like I should make an effort to at least call or be around him when visiting his state? I need to get over the guilt and I will be fine.

This is the man that my mom loved with all of her heart and soul. And, for what? He beat her daily and his kids almost daily. He rarely took up time with us, always acted like we were always in his way.  Why should I even care enough or feel guilt about what happens to him. You wanna know why? Because deep down inside, I am a good person. No matter the the damage I was cause by so many I am still a good person. I love deeply, I care deeply, I am honest, I genuinely care about others feelings and what happens to them. Sometimes, its a bitch to have those qualities because I get taken advantage of and people are assholes to me. But, I deal with and keep coming back for more because that's who I am.

Once ran over enough though, and it takes a lot. Enough is enough I stand my ground. This is what I am doing here. Standing my ground with this blog. Letting the world know and whoever may read my blogs I will never suffer abuse again like I have in the past. Any type of abuse. EVER.

I hope in some way these blogs are helping others. In some way, somehow. Weather you are letting out your stories, sharing your experiences, or bringing to light that these things happen more often than not.

I was talking to Steve the other night do you know that rape is very common. Molestation is probably more common. Try finding someone who has had Rape, molestation, physical, mental, emotional abuse happen to them over the course of their life. When they are children. Before they are 16. Its rare. But, that's me. That's my story. That's who I was. Its not what defines me though, not anymore.

PS. Bless my Sister In Law Tracey for having to hear me rant and my dear Aunt Sandy for listening to me cry and sob for at least 30 minutes today. I love you Aunt Sandy and when Daddy wouldn't let me see momma you were the woman in my life that I had to look up to, I appreciate your advice today. Even though I called your brother some not so nice things and had to vent I appreciate you being there for ME and not taking sides. You are one in a million Love you so much!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Self Esteem

A friend of mine and I were talking about my very low self esteem the other day. They tell me how beautiful I am a lot or how pretty I am. I won't say who it is or if its a guy or girl friend. For their privacy reason's. I will never tell a name unless they give me permission. I do though, I think I am one of the most ugliest people in the world. The reason? I was made to feel this way. Why wouldn't I feel this way. My dad made me feel like I wasn't special enough to be around, he still does by the way. I never felt I was pretty enough to date the good looking guys until I met Steve. I felt I didn't stand a chance to "the hot guys" who had the whole package and the looks. And, I was right. I didn't. I never got the guy. I was teased in school for my teeth, when I gained weight I was teased for that. Now that I have my teeth fixed I still feel ugly and fat mostly.

My very good friend assures me that I am quite the opposite but I have such a hard time believing it due to all of the things I have been through I guess. I am not writing this to get you all to tell me I am pretty, or beautiful because I really don't want to hear it. I am not good and those things. I wouldn't believe if you said it anyway.

My dad really has a fucked up way of teasing his kids. I won't say the nicknames he calls my sister but its just wrong. You don't do that. And, I will not dare say what she calls her husband and kids. It brings tears to my eyes. He still does this and he is 52. He still calls me names. Or he did until he suddenly stopped speaking to us a while back. He saw us a couple of weeks before Christmas but barely talked to any of us, stayed on his phone mostly, ate, and left. I called him Christmas. He bragged about everything his wife got him. Didn't ask about Jace much. Haven't heard from him since. Didn't even call to tell Jace Happy Birthday. No card or anything.

You know makes me sad about this. If my mom was still here. She may have not been able to afford the fancy gifts we gave him but she would have made up for it plenty with love. She loved all of her grand kids and my dad is missing out big time. I hate he is doing this to his family, but I shouldn't expect more. He always abandoned his family for a woman weather people want to believe that or not.

I was going to send him a letter telling him how disappointed I was in him for his total lack of decency for showing love and affection to his OWN family but I took the high road and decided not too. When she leaves him, like they always do, after they learn how he really is. We won't be here. I, myself, and my therapist think that is the best course of action. You can't keep letting someone in and out knowing they are going to hurt you over and over again. I have major guilt issues so that's why I have always let him back in. Well, what if something happens to him or he dies. I will never forgive myself. That's what I thought then. Yes, I will. I didn't do all of this to myself. He did. I forgive him for it. That is what I doing with all of these blogs, forgiving him so I can let it go so I don't own it anymore. He does. But, that doesn't mean I have to have him in my life or my child's life any longer. I will send photos and I will send and I will send an invite to the wedding but that will be the end for me as far as communication with me. I'm done.

There comes a time in your life when you have to realize if someone is hurting your more or bringing you more joy.  Then make the decision of what to do. I know my answer already.

Since this was supposed to be about self esteem here are photos of me. Funny one's, no make up one's, fat one's pretty one's, etc.

Couple of years ago when I chopped all my hair off thinking that would help me. Yikes.
 Steve and I on the way to Canada with Jace and Jamma. No make up.
 No Make-up, digging buggies. Lol.
 Right after I moved up here.
 Just being silly.
 On the beach in Sept this year.
 This winter before I started losing weight. Burrrr.
 When my friend Kristina came to visit she had this! I said people still wear these?!?!?!

This is me now, only with straight teeth and I still don't think I look good.