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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, May 31, 2013

Dear Parents,

As I sit back and watch the world turn to shit day by day, I ponder on what life will be like for my son when he is older. This has been a problem for a while but I am noticing it more frequent these days. Parents who don't give two shits about their kids or the way they present themselves in public. Its a shame really. I hear people all the time say "America is going to shit". Blame it on politics, blame it on video games, TV, or whatever makes you feel better at the end of the day.

Its not all of that. Yes, some of it could be but you need to parent your kids. Teach them early how to be respectful, how to look presentable. Teach them that life is more than looking pretty or showing your body off. Everyone has the potential to do something with their lives, they need their parents to guide them though. If you didn't want kids but ended up with them anyway, so what, grow the hell up and deal with your kids. Its no longer about you! Its about your kids and making sure they are a productive member of society when they grow up.

I didn't think I could ever have a child. I did. I put my big girl pants on and made sure to put all of my wants on the back burner and try my best at teaching my child manners and how to be respectful. Is he always good? Not at all! He has the worst days sometimes but guess what, I try to teach him how to handle those emotions and feelings. I don't just let him sit in misery all day, I don't just let him do whatever the hell he wants.

Please, for the love of all humanity! Parent your children!!! We have all been through things. My childhood was about as fucked up as it gets. But you know what? I dealt with it, I owned it, I got through it. I broke the cycle of abuse and violence, I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself. I don't pity myself and I sure as hell am not selfish and just focused on me. My son comes first, disciplining him comes first, manners and compassion all go hand and hand.

So, get your head out of your asses and raise your kids!

End of rant. Not all of this was about the little girls I saw today. I just see so many parents right now with pre-teens and teenagers letting their kids wear, do, and say whatever they want. Its sickening.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Holding my ground.

Its been well over a year since I spoke to my father. Its not been easy to let go of someone who helped create me but as I know and some of you from reading my blogs, it was for the best. When I was near him, I was afraid still. Like the little girl I was so many years ago, finding the perfect hiding spot so no one could find me until I was ready to come out. Although I didn't hide this time I just cut him out. Not only did going around him make me on edge because you never knew when he was going to flip out but he also had a way of making everything your fault. Like he did nothing wrong during my childhood or over a year ago.

I won't sit here and lie and act like its been all peachy. The guilt I had to get through to make the decision to cut him out was almost unbearable. I would think to myself, why in the world do you feel so guilty after all he made you go through when you were growing up? Well, he was still my dad. That didn't change anything. Even though he did everything he had in previous years I forgave him and wanted a relationship with him. I thought we had made progress but he fell into his old ways again and I couldn't be around it. Not just for me but for Jace, my son. I knew not what to do with my child. I broke the cycle. Who knows what the future holds for Jace and who knows how he will be when he gets older, but it was important for me to get the people out of his life that had negative connected to them. Maybe people think I am wrong for turning my back on my family. But, you have to remember, when a family is as dysfunctional as mine is, you kind of have no choice.

The only family that is regularly in our life is my brother, sister in law, sister, nieces and nephews. That is all I need and its all Jace needs. They love us unconditionally, they love us without wanting something from us. They just love us.

Every time I begin to let a guilty feeling into my mind, I have to think. What has any of these people done for me? When the answers are more negative than positive the guilt goes away. I don't NEED people, especially family to do anything for me. I am just stating that everything in my life with my family has been negative until I decided to put my foot down and stop it. I got to where I am on my own with help from no one. Maybe some people think I haven't done much with my life. Well, if you read my blog posts then you know where I came from and where I am now. I got out, I changed my life and path. I have broken the cycle of abuse for my family. I have been to countless hours of therapy, making that decision on my own so I can make better decisions for MY family, I've retrained my mind to turn negative energy into good, I have stopped my anger outburst since my father has been out of my life. I was becoming the same person he was. Bitter and angry for what I had to go through in my life. The endless physical abuse, the two molestations, the rape. All of it was affecting my outcome. I couldn't do that.

Anytime I have people in my life now which is mostly friends except my sister, brother, and their families I don't let their negativity bother me. I did, but that was something I had to work through as well. Cutting those people out was imperative to my inner well being. I don't cut them out to be some mean, rude, bitch. But, for my own insanity and not to subject my son to such madness.

I've had people take up for the one's who caused so many problems in my life. As a matter of fact I have one person on facebook who is friends with my rapist and they are a family member. Although, I have never said a name nor will I ever because I am through that, you would think they would know what kind of person this is. Oh well, if they want to be friends with this type of person then that is their business, but it won't be mine to keep them.

With all of this said, just because you choose to still have communication with this abusive person, my father, doesn't mean I have to. You know what he has done and was still doing yet you continue to let him in your life. So be it. Let him bring you down, he will eventually. As mean as I may be made out to be I really don't  care anymore. When people ask about my parents I let them know my parents are no longer with me. My mom has been gone (RIP) for over 6 years. I just tell people my dad is gone too. After all, I consider him just a sperm donor now as he put us/me through so much hell. He does not deserve the title of father or dad.