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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Monday, December 17, 2012

Medication

I really hate medication. I have been on so many since February. But I have been on Clonazapam the entire time. Why? I have no clue. Its not helping me. In fact, I started biting my nails again!!!!! I haven't done that in freaking years. Nasty. Even until they bleed so obviously its not helping. Its been 1 MG twice a day then he finally upped it to 3 last month. Has it helped? Nope. So you know what my hard headed self did? I said screw it. I threw it away. Its been about 4 days now and the withdrawals are starting to kick in. I refuse to keep paying for something that isn't working for me though, if doctors would listen to their patients more and helped them when they said its not working maybe that would help. I've always been on 30 MG Paxil which I am no longer taking as well.

These withdrawals are killing me though. Whew. Headaches, nauseous, head spinning, dizzy. Hopefully, it won't take too long for it all to get out of my system. I go to therapy in the morning. I will be telling her and cancelling all future sessions with the actual doctor for medication. I've been on a ton of medications since February. I am tired of taking them. Some do funny things to me, some make me not function, and others don't seem to do a thing so I am stopping them all. I will just have to deal with it like before. They haven't had me on OCD meds in months anyway. So they weren't helping with that either. Just my anxiety and sleeping and that's not been helping either. Every time I go back, they say the same thing..

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Letter I want to send to my father.

I have to write this down. If not its going to eat away at me and well, I just can't have that to be honest. I won't let him run me anymore. I won't let his lies and deceit affect my behavior anymore. So with this letter, I am letting go. Once again. Who knows if I will actually send it. I have people telling me I should and others telling me I shouldn't.

        Dear Bobby,
I am writing this letter to you to clear up some things that I believe have been over looked. First, I guess I will respond to the most recent incidences since you don't seem to get it. You say that you have no idea why I am not talking to you. Hmmm, look around. Maybe you will figure it our. Oh wait, no you won't because you can never admit to any wrong doings. But, we will get to that later. When you got married I was so happy for you. I was happy you moved on and found someone you loved and that loved you back. I supported you 100 % and you know this as I told you this from the get go. I told you how happy I was with you. It started getting a little weird for me when every single time I called or you called, you had to have the phone on speaker so your new wife could hear our conversations. That is very odd to me. No one has to listen to every phone call unless they are jealous of something. I let that go though because I wanted to keep my relationship with the only parent I had left. The next thing that happened was Steve asked me to marry him. You had been waiting on this for so long. You loved Steve and was happy for us before but I guess you were wrapped up in your own happiness to be happy for you own kid. When we set a date and I asked you to walk me down the isle your exact words were "You want me to walk you down the isle for SECOND marriage?" Of course I did. I wanted everything to be right this time as the last time 2 months after my marriage momma died. This is why I planned it for Mississippi. So YOU could be there and be a real father and walk your daughter down the isle to marry her soul mate. But, you couldn't do that now could you?! You had to question everything. You said you couldn't leave your wife's mentally challenged brother and mother behind. That's fine. You could have came yourself. I even said that and you said you couldn't leave your precious wife. I mean was she really going to be that bent out of shape for you to come to YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!!!!!!!! It was just another excuse for you not to be there for me at a time in my life where I wanted you there, like always. So, instead of sending you an invite I asked my brother to walk me down the isle and fill that spot as he is the one who took care of me while you were off with all those whores for weeks at a time. With no money, and no food to eat.

That brings me to my second point. When you took us from our mother because she was dated a black man you said it was better for us this way. So that she didn't rub her "lifestyle" off on us. Then when you brought us home I was 12 and Charlie was 13. You didn't give a crap about what happened to us. You didn't even stick around long enough to see the issues I was having after being molested. Which you later admitted (when I was 23) that you knew something like that happened to me. Yet, you do absolutely nothing! You continued to leave Charlie and I at home alone with no money or food while you where off with your whores and partying around but yet wanted us to be good Christian role models. Took our TV, radio, cards, and everything away. We had NOTHING! Because of you! During this time I was raped. Guess what, Bobby? That would not have happened if you had of been home taking care of your kids like you should have been! You took us from our mother acting like you could protect us better, but instead you left us worse off than we were. And, don't even get me started on the whole claiming to be a child of God. You claimed all of this, yet left us, abandoned us, smoked pot, got drunk, went to jail, and all during this time. Instead of being the father you were supposed to be, you were nothing more to us than someone we were terrified of when you were home and not boozing it up.

After years of doing this to us you finally settled down with a woman. I don't have to say who, you know who I am talking about. Which by the way took 3 more years away from our mom because she believed that we shouldn't see our mom because she was married to a black man and in God's eyes that was wrong and we shouldn't be subjected to that. But, what the hell did she have to do with it. Looking at it now, look at her kid. How bad is he? 10 times worse than we ever were. Yea, that's what her thinking gets you. Yet, you took her word and took us away and kept us away for a damn woman. From a woman that used you to do her handy work that she didn't know how to do. For a woman that refused to marry you again. For a woman that refused to sleep in a bed next to you. This is what you did. For another WOMAN. See a pattern here yet?

During all of this time, I cut myself, I tried to kill myself, I had sex to get attention. What was the point in saving myself. I was fucking raped for crying out loud because you weren't there!!!!!!!!! Really, tell me. What was the damn point? There was none. I had wished so many times that you were right when momma had me at the hospital and you claimed I was not your child. I hoped and hoped that and when I believed I even prayed you weren't my dad. I prayed it was a mistake. That way I could cut ties and be done with you. But, unfortunately for me. You are the person who gave your sperm so I could be born.

I am so glad to be a part of this wonderful world but you will never hear me refer to you as my dad or my father. You are not that to me as you have never been one. Not only to me but your THREE other kids as well. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned that I will NEVER subject my son to someone such as yourself who only comes and goes at their convenience and that I will NEVER be the type of parent you were. After all, you weren't one. Even when you tried you failed miserably. Maybe it is because its how you were raised as well. But, we all have a chance to change and break the cycle. You didn't even try to do that. I have broken the cycle and for this reason I wish to no longer speak with you or have any other communication with you. With the help of my therapist I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer have either of my parents. I miss momma like crazy and wish she was still here but there is nothing I can do about that. I can't say that I miss you because if I did I would be lying. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of the next time you might snap. I don't have to worry about that any longer. You are no longer welcomed in my life or my families life.

Sandy Hurst


***Sorry so long guys. I just had to get it out. Even if I never send it. It had to be said. Thanks for reading. I love all of you that take interest in reading my blogs and supporting me through this life journey.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why should I hide any part of myself?

I shouldn't. As I sat and talked to Steve today about this I couldn't help but think, so what?! Who cares what other people think about me and the decisions I make. I hid my entire childhood, my rape, my molestations, and all from the world until February. I was tired of hiding behind it. Having outburst of anger because I was keeping it bottled in. What good did that do me? None at all. As Steve lay in bed watching me get ready for work this afternoon we talked about why I hid the way I felt about religion and Christianity. My reason? I was scared that I would lose friends or clients. If I lose friends and clients over what I believe in then that is their fault, not mine. Number one, they would be losing a great friend because I am a damn good friend and I know I am. If I lose clients, so be it. In the end, I will know who I am and what I stand for. I will be glad that its out there and I don't have to hide it anymore. Its my choice. We all have our own freedoms. We all have a right to choose what we want to believe.

With that being said. Yes, I was once a Baptist. I attended church every Sunday morning and evening, on Wednesday and whenever there was a special event. I am now a non-believer. Yes, you saw right. The correct terminology there would be I am atheist. For those of you who do not know what that means let me insert the definition. Atheism is the lack of belief in a deity, which implies that nothing exists but natural phenomena (matter), that thought is a property or function of matter, and that death irreversibly and totally terminates individual organic units. This definition means that there are no forces, phenomena, or entities which exist outside of or apart from physical nature, or which transcend nature, or are “super” natural, nor can there be. Humankind is on its own.

I get questioned all the time when a friend finds out. It doesn't bother me at all when people question my "non-belief" or even when they say they will pray for me. I don't argue with people about this. Its my own opinion. Its what helps me sleep at night. Its what helps me get through. IT IS WHAT I BELIEVE. I don't have one single atheist friend that I know of. So its not due to that. All of my friends are actually Christian and we don't discuss it much. They have their beliefs and I have mine.  People can still be friends with different opinions. If a person is a true Christian though they won't turn their back on me no matter my lack of faith or not. We will see though what my friends list drops down too. I am completely ok with that. I have made my decision to stop hiding behind it.

For those wondering about Jace. I have had several friends "preach" to me about Jace. Well, first of all. He is MY SON. Last I checked, I birthed him. No one else did. Steve and I choose to raise him the way we see fit which means not pushing religion on him. When he gets old enough to make that kind of decision on his on, then I hope he makes the decision right for him. If he wants to go to church you bet your ass I will take him to church, anytime he wants to go. If he becomes a preacher one day, you bet your ass I will be at every sermon. It doesn't mean I have to believe it. Because I don't. I have my reasons.

People take tragic life events and go one of two ways. They either get closer to their God or become a non believer altogether. I chose to not believe. Because this God that people speak of that works all these great miracles wouldn't let things happen to me or anyone else that happens. But, they do. If he is so powerful, why can't he end the pain, the hunger, the hurt? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want an answer to it. I don't want a debate about it. At the end of the day/night, whatever. I will still believe what I believe and you will still believe what you believe.

So many nights I laid in my bath tub with 6+inch cuts on myself trying to take my own life and get away from the hurt I was in. Laying in a pool of blood screaming to a god that I once believed in to take my life and let the suffering end already. I had enough. Although I am thankful to still be here and have the life I have now, it wasn't for a god. It was for MY persistence and MY hard work.

I will say I do believe in miracles, but probably not the miracles you do. I believe my son was miracle and a gift from my mother (wherever she may be) as she knew I was hurting and needed someone to fill her spot and love me the way she did. That happened for me and I haven't looked back since.

I hope to not lose friends or clients over this post or over my non belief but if I do, I am ready for those consequences. It has to be told sooner or later. I figure the sooner the better. Its time to stop hiding and tell people how I really feel. With all of that being said-To my Christian friends (which is probably 99% of you) I love you all and I am glad you have something to believe in and I am thankful that you don't push things down my throat. I am thankful that even though we have different views we can still be friends. And, to those of you that choose to end our friendship-That is ok. I won't hurt over it. It is your decision to make.

Goodnight.



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Something that helped me.

I am going to start this blog with a song/video. Please watch and listen. I am sure most of you have seen this video and heard this song a million times. But, this time really listen and watch. Because, it might have been a while since you last heard it.



The kids in that video were me. I went through most of the things they did. I wanted to run away so many times. I knew if I did though my dad would hunt me down and there wasn't much telling what he would do. I was fearful of him more than I was of the potential of getting hurt in the world. Isn't that a shame? Its crazy, really. So many times I saw what those kids saw. When I was younger this song helped me get through a lot of bad and crazy times in my life. Although, I do still cry when I hear and see the video I honestly believe it helped me. It gave me hope. Even though I didn't run away, it gave me hope that someday I would be out of all the pain I was in. There would be no more beatings of my mom, there would be no more beatings for my siblings and I, there would be no more sexual abuse for me, there would be no more trying to end my life. I would someday be happy. Even through all the pain, tears, fear, and every other emotion I had. I still had hope that maybe, just maybe someday I would get out of all of that and live a normal, happy life.

Thanks to this song, and a lot of coincidences along the way. I am were I am supposed to be. I am a mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old little boy who has an untainted love for me as I do of him. I have a husband that has supported me every step of the way. He has had to deal with a lot of issues from me. Especially, my nightmares that I used to have. Mine weren't normal. I could feel the rape over and over again in my sleep. When I would wake I was in pain (down there). They were real, to me. It was happening nightly. I couldn't sleep. I could barely function. Yet, he still loved me. Even when I almost (accidentally) killed myself taking too many sleeping pills and was in withdrawals for over a month. He was there. He was never mad at me. He talked to me, he tried to help me though as best as he could since he never had a basket case (that is what I called myself) to deal with.

I guess what I am trying to say is. If there is anyone out there that reads my blogs and feel you are alone in something you are not. I am here. I will listen to you, if you need to call me and cry. Do it. I will be there for you. I was one of the lucky ones that got out. Not until I was 18 but I got out. I managed to bring my life back to normal. I got through it with help from friends and then therapy that started in February. I only wish my mom were here to see the woman I have become. I may not be great to most or the most beautiful but my mom would have thought so. She would have been proud that I have changed my whole life. She would be proud of how I am raising my son, and she would love Steve for loving me even with my many flaws. I may not be a religious person, but I am a good person and would do anything for anyone. She would be proud of that.

I just want to close and say I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and take a minute to be thankful for the things you have and where you are in life. You are there for a reason. Love to you all.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I just realized I haven't written in a while.

Since September to be exact. I am doing great with my new doctor. I love that he gives me a few months supply of my medications so I don't have to go back and spend all my money. Medication is alright. I think I am going to have to have them up my dosage though because I can feel some stuff coming back. My OCD definitely hasn't went away and since all the meds they put me on for that didn't work, they haven't tried another. When I go back this month I am going to try another one hopefully. I need it. Its affecting me again and I can tell. Steve is noticing too so that's what turned the light on for me.

Anyway, since September as some of you know Steve and I got married. Yay! Doing my happy clapping over here. I am so glad to call my best friend, my husband. He means everything to me. We had an awesome time staying at the beach a whole week and having the small wedding made it even better!

There is a photo for you all to enjoy. I haven't gotten them all back yet so this will have to do for now. The wedding day was very stressful as I know all wedding days are. I was finally glad to start getting my hair and make-up done at 4:45PM. Then I knew it was on. It was go time. The officiant got there and came to talk to me. As soon as she said when "your brother walks you down and you place your flowers on your mothers chair" I started bawling my eyes out. I mean come on, at least gotta have one good cry right. It was so special for me to have my brother walk me and to have my moms photo on the first seat for us to give her a flower.

The night before we got married we took my moms urn to the pier and spread her ashes. It was time to let he be free. My sister has been living in a crazy roller coaster of a world since our mom died almost 7 years ago. She knows this and I have told her this. I told her many times just because she lost her mom doesn't mean her kids had to lose theirs. She may have been there physically but she definitely wasn't there mentally. I'm optimistic about her future and hope that she can close the chapter in her life. We will never forget our mother and she will always be a huge part of us. But, it was time for my sister to let go. She wasn't in that box anymore. She is either in Heaven in you believe in that, or floating along among the beautiful stars. Either way, I know she can see us and is very proud of all of us.



Thursday, September 20, 2012

A new Doctor

I was scheduled to start seeing a new doctor on October 18th (my birthday by the way), but they happened to have a cancellation last minute today. They were able to put me in there. I had been have problems with my other doctor. I just didn't feel like she was listening to me. I knew that the medication she had me on wasn't helping and she kept trying me on new things. All in the same family so naturally they all had the same side effect. Remind you all this is the same doctor whose care I was under when I went into the hospital in April. Anyway, my therapist and I thought it was in my best interest to see the new doctor.

She told me before that people either love him or hate him. I admit I was kind of nervous before my appointment this morning because of that statement I really didn't know what to expect. As I walked in he didn't even look up at first just told me to have a seat. He was working on something on his computer. A few seconds later he looks up at me with a bright smile and introduces himself and shakes my hand. Ok, good start. Not so bad yet. He of course asked about my history and why I started receiving therapy in the first place. As I was talking to him I could tell that he cared about his patients. He listened to me very well and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I'd say he is a pretty good judge of character. It was like he could read me and read what I was thinking. He actually gave me a fist pump when I told him I was the only person in our immediate family who graduated high school. Lol. That was pretty funny.

He made a ton of good points. He told me I was very intelligent and this is why I am so aware of my problems. He says people with more intelligence knows what is going on with them and they are trying so hard to fix it themselves because they think they should be able to. But, they can't and this is why they need to seek help. Out of all the doctors I've met he is the only one that has not pushed medication on me. In fact, he is a psychiatrist but he wants to make sure people do not have to live on medication. That they are able to face their problems, get over them, and free without medication. I love that about him. I don't want to be on medication the rest of my life. I really don't. I know that I need them now because of my PTSD, OCD, and generalized anxiety but hopefully with his wonderful help and the help of my therapist someday I won't need them.

He read me like a book during our session. Like I said above he can read people. He just asked me about my past history. I told him of the two sexual assaults, the rape, and my dad being very abusive. After I tell him all of this he gives me a compliment. Tells me I am beautiful and intelligent. I put my head down and said thanks. He says "you can't take a compliment can you?" I said, no. Which has always been true. I never believe people when they give me compliments. He says its because I have been torn down so much in my life that I think I am one of them and I don't deserve to be loved. He said he was going to change my thoughts on that before it was over with. See! I love him already! He also gave me a piece of paper of a book he wants me to read before I come back. I like doctors who want you involved in your own care. I think this is just the start to something great and a great relationship between doctor and patient.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Learning to not feel guilty.

I've talked to my therapist many times about the guilt I felt over cutting my dad completely out of my life. I know it was a necessary part of my life and my healing process yet I had major guilt over it. As she told me on numerous occasions why should I feel guilty? He is the one who did all the wrong, not me. I was just to the point that I wasn't going to take it anymore so I had to let him go.

Anyway, his birthday was Saturday. It was also his one year anniversary to being married to his new wife. I felt guilty for not calling and saying Happy Birthday. I always have called. I didn't call him Father's Day either. In fact I have not talked to him since Christmas night. He has tried to call once and I didn't answer. It was already after months had passed. What would have been the point of answering anyway. We would have gotten into a huge argument because I am no longer afraid of him like I was when I was younger.

I don't know why I felt so bad about not calling him on his birthday. He didn't call Jace on his, nor my brother, my nieces, or nephews. He pretty much made the decision himself now that I really think about it. He decided to throw his family away yet again for another woman. Its just a different one this time.

Sometimes I just wish I had some normalcy in my childhood. Then, other times I am glad everything happened the way that it did. Otherwise, I would be a totally different person with a totally different outlook on life. I dunno. In time the guilt will go away, I know this. I just can't have him in my life. He can't taint my world any longer nor my son's. I refuse to let my son see what I had to see and feel the way I felt growing up and even part of my adulthood.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Reminders.....

Just when you think you have it all figured out and nothing can bother you anymore, something jumps out and reminds you. Steve and I were shopping at Target the other day. He went to buy him a book since he is off work and hasn't really had much to do. So, I decided to get one as well. I decided to get A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard. I thought this book would give me more perspective and help me relate to someone who has been through some of the same things I had been through. I really thought it was going to help more. Well, I have been reading it for the past couple of days every chance I got. Which wasn't much. I got to page 55 tonight and I had to stop. I started crying and couldn't stop. I thought about all the abuse I endured. I felt awful for her to have to go through so much. I may have been sexually abused by three different men at different times but it was never over and over again. I cannot imagine what her young mind was going through. I know when I went though the molestation at age 11 I wanted to kill myself. I cut myself as often as possible to feel physical pain instead of the emotional pain I felt. She had to go through this for 18 years almost daily. Wow, just wow.

It opened a whole new can of worms for me tonight. Even though I feel I am still on the right track with my healing process I know I am not fully healed. If I were it wouldn't have gotten me so bad. I had to put the book away and I will not be finishing it. I can't. If I do I will cry the whole time and think about my situation. Not that I am feeling sorry for myself but its hard not to think of these things.

After I had my moment I heard Jace calling for me. He wanted me to come kiss him again. I almost broke down. I cannot imagine anything like that ever happening to my son. I have a lot of fear that surrounds him. I never want him to go through any of the things I had to go through as a child and young adult. I talked to my therapist today about my paranoia I have been having about something bad happening to my family or Jace. It has been taking over my mind. This is why she has been trying her best to get me in to see the new doctor. Which of course she did today. I go see him in October. I'm thankful for that. My OCD takes full control of my thoughts sometimes and its hard to handle. I'm just glad I am getting the help that I need now, while Jace is still young. By the time he is able to understand certain things I am almost certain this all will be passed me and I won't have to worry about any of it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Have you ever felt like a lab rat?

That's what I am feeling like as of late. I know it takes a while sometimes for certain medications to work and for the side effects to wear off, but my goodness it ain't worth all of this. I was put on a new medication Thursday I believe. It was for my OCD because it was taking over my brain again and I couldn't put my worrisome thoughts to rest. So, I told the doctor I would give a try and honestly I did. I tried really hard. I wanted it to work, obviously. But, it didn't. It put me to sleep pretty quickly which was awesome. I slept through the night which was equally awesome. What was not so awesome is the next day side effects. Friday I woke up around 1PM I think and then went right back to sleep about 1:30PM and didn't wake back up until 4:30PM. When I did wake up I wanted to go right back to sleep but I couldn't because I had stuff to do. I felt like crap! So my MIL suggested the next night I cut the pill in half and take that. So, I gave that a shot. Same thing. Slept all day and felt like crap. Obviously after that I was done. I said forget it. So of course the past couple of nights I haven't slept well again. But I refuse to let what happened to me in April happen again. Although I am having sleep issues and dealing with my mom being gone and not going to be there to see me get married to my soul mate I am doing well overall.

I mean, my OCD is still there obviously and will continue to be until I find something that works for me and doesn't do weird crap to my body but I'll live with it for now. I lived with it this long, another few months isn't going to kill me.

On a much happier note. The wedding planning is coming together quite well. My dress is being altered currently by a great seamstress. Steve's wedding band came in today, mine should be here next week. My invitations are on the way. I've bought lots of things that we'll need for the wedding. I am feeling confident with everything that I am getting accomplished. I have 54 days until I say "I do" to my soul mate and I couldn't be happier!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Excited and heartbroken at the same time.

Steve & I getting married just got very real for me this past weekend. Its only 2 months away and I couldn't be happier to be finally marrying my soul mate. I love that man with my whole heart and I know that he is the person I was meant to be with. He completes me and is the most loyal, caring, and thoughtful man I know. I am very lucky to have him in my life and to soon be able to call him my husband.

On the other hand, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Why? My mom won't be there. We are doing something special for her and I know she will be there in spirit and hopefully looking down on me from somewhere. I know she'd be proud of me. I just know she would, but oh my goodness its so hard. Its really getting to me to the point of me crying at the thought. I'm trying to hold it in and not let it get to me but its hard.

Maybe this is the reason I haven't slept for two days. I'm having bad dreams, tossing and turning all night. As much as I think about the happy things to come and am truly happy, it creeps into my mind and I cannot help it. I so wish she was here with me, with us. I loved that woman so much. She would do any and everything for her kids and grand kids. Never was a better woman. Too bad she had to leave us so soon.

Well, that is it for now. I have been bottling this in. Its nice to get it out.

And, to my mama if she can see or hear me. I love you and miss you so much.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Things remembered.

There are so many heartbreaking stories from my childhood. Its crazy because sometimes I look back and think that couldn't have possibly been me. When did I become such a strong person and able to survive and thrive in this cruel world? How could my dad be the way he was? I mean I know he didn't have the best childhood either and his dad was abusive, but he could have broken the cycle like I did but he chose not too. He still chooses not to.

When my sister was pregnant with her first child (a biracial baby) and my mom was married again (to a black man) our dad refused to let us see them for years. Yet he would leave us at home all of the time by ourselves with no food to eat, no TV, no games, nothing. He took every thing out of this house because it was evil. This was on one of his religious kicks. It was ridiculous how prejudice he was/is about mixing races. So bad that he wouldn't allow us to see our own mom and sister. Knowing good and well he wasn't taking care of us and had our mom knew she would have done something about it. Of course she didn't know because every time she tried to come around he would threaten to her and her husband. He actually chased them down once because they drove past our house trying to see us. He literally passed them in the road, stopped dead still in the middle of the road, cursing and screaming at my mom and busted her windshield with his fist. She went to the cops and he ran of course. He had a warrant for years but they knew exactly were he was and could have gotten him, but they didn't.

He was with a certain woman during these times. She was all high and mighty religious and so were her parents. I get that people believe in different things. I really do. But, does that mean you keep your kids from a parent or sibling just because they are choosing to be with someone of another race? Do you disown them? NO!

Anyway, during all of this time my dad was preaching one thing and doing a totally different thing. In his beliefs and the teachings he gathered from his church he believed in spanking. A quote he always said "spare the rod, spoil the child." Ok. I can get that if your religious. But, he didn't just spank us. He beat us. There is a huge difference there. I never got the beatings my brother and sister got. Grant it I got my fair share but never as many as they did. I remember so many times when my brother and dad would fight. My brother was so angry and he had every right to be. He was practically a stand in dad to me (even though he is just a year and a few months older). He had to find ways to feed us and he protected me from him in his own way. I remember once my dad choke slamming my brother to the floor and just beating him in the face because he was mad. He frequently got mad at his girlfriend and when he did he took it out on us when he was home. He would tell us to do something and we could ask a harmless question and it was over. Time to get the leather belt out and he would start swinging it where ever he could hit us. I remember when I was a bit younger (before I started cooking) he asked me to get down a pack of frozen pork chops to thaw out. I asked him which ones where the pork chops. He had a cast iron skillet in his hands and almost threw it at me he was so mad. I flinched and tried to duck. He didn't throw it but when he got the pork chops out of the freezer he hit me with them over and over again.

He was an angry man my entire life, he still is obviously and he won't ever get over his problems with women and his children. It was one thing to treat us the way he did and abandon us all those times but its another thing when he does our kids like that. He will never know my son. That ship has sailed. I gave him plenty of opportunity. He had almost 2 years to prove himself different and he couldn't even do that. He up and married a woman that no one knows. All of his conversations were monitored by her. He had to have it on speaker for every conversation but the last straw was in December. I haven't spoken to him since and won't ever again.  He's nothing to me. He's nothing to my son. Jace has his Poppy and that's all he needs. He loves Jace enough. My dad may have abandoned me and abused me but he will not get the chance to do my son like that. And, I refuse to have a man in my life that treats no one with respect especially his family.

There are way more stories to tell about my childhood and I will get back to all of them a little at a time. After all that is part of my healing process. Thank you all to the one's of you who read my stories because it really does help me. My therapist says "A burden shared is a burden cut in half" and "talk it to death." So in the end there will be nothing else left to talk about.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

As I lay in bed

The other night thoughts crept into my mind. My OCD is getting to me. I haven't been on meds for it for about a month now. They didn't work. Well, they did work but not without some side effects that I just couldn't handle. Such as, falling asleep all day long. I would be sitting there one minute and the next thing I knew Jace would be screaming in my ear. I immediately took myself off of them. That's dangerous. So they tried me on several other medications all of which did the same thing or didn't work at all. I do have an appt soon with a different doctor so I am hoping for better results.

When I was lying in bed the other night I was sitting over there listening to Steve sleep and I got so angry. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and go to sleep like every one else. But nope! I have to deal with these issues, thoughts, and worry about every thing in the world that I can't help. The other night I thought about my mom. When I say I thought about her I don't just mean the "normal" person thinking about their dead parent. I mean I thought of it all. All the events leading up to her getting sick, the phone call I had with her two days before she went into cardiac arrest, the coma, her coding when I was in the room with her, my running for dear life and trying to get out of the ICU doors, my anger. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn't get any of these thoughts out of my head. I tried and tried to think of other things. I tried to think happy thoughts but I just couldn't. It wouldn't go away.

So that is the story of my life right now until I can see this new doctor. Sleepless nights, early mornings, and busy days. I'm managing though. Although I would like it all to just go away, I know that it won't. But I will get past this as I have gotten past all the other things that has been wrong in my life. I just need time, a new doc, and some new meds.

Friday, July 20, 2012

I'm still here.

I haven't written in a while because frankly I have been extremely busy. I've had a ton going on. Between photo shoots, Jace, home life, functions I committed myself too, there just hasn't been time. I haven't forgotten about my blog though and those of you who follow me and read them all. I still have a lot more to talk about. There are still more stories to be told of my childhood.

It has been pretty hectic around here. As most of you know Steve graduated in May. We have been submitting his resume since then for an engineering job. He still hasn't found a job. Its tough out there right now. I have also been looking for a job. We had planned to both look and if I got a job I could just quit once he got a good position. We have changed our minds about that though. I am going to be hopefully working full time in the near future and so is he. We will be putting Jace in daycare part time and maybe part time with Jamma and Poppy (yes, I spelled that right. That's what Jace calls Pappy now). Anyway, its the prime time to buy a house so we are thinking with two decent incomes we will be able to buy a house. Fingers crossed. I go for an interview tomorrow and also have one on Tuesday. I am hoping I get the one tomorrow. Sounds more up my alley. I'm also hoping that Steve gets one soon. Somewhere that he likes and can feel good about. He had one company call him back and they basically lied to him. Said they were hiring an engineer and when he got there that wasn't the case. Wanted to pay him a little over minimum wage to go dig holes and sample dirt. The place was unorganized as well. Its crazy that a company has to lie to get people to apply. Sounds shady to me.

Other than that things are pretty great. Jace is super goofy (he gets its from his mama I guess) Lol. He is saying new things daily and communicating his needs. This is why I don't mind him going to daycare now. Before, I was super nervous because I didn't want something to happen and him not be about to tell me. I guess that comes from me being abused as a child. I dunno. I talked about that with my therapist today. I have set free all of my burdens and feel great about myself for the first time in my life but I still have trust issues when it comes to Jace. She said that was normal. I think for the most part many women are like this about their babies. So, I know I am not alone there. I know when the time comes I am going to be on edge. I know I am going to have to visit places when they least expect so I can see how they really are, but I am ready to make that step. Its just another part of the process for me :)


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'm human, it still hurts sometimes.

A friend of mine pinned this photo earlier. Its a beautiful photo and I love it but it made me think about my situation. Here is the photo.






It made me sad to think my dad wasn't interested in coming to my wedding. Its my second marriage of course but I am doing it right this time and I made it in Mississippi so I would be sure he was going to be there. When asked if he was coming he said I doubt it and I asked why not and he said sarcastically "to your 2nd wedding?" I told him yes and he said he would try but he doubted that he could leave his wife's mentally retarded brother and old mother that they have to take care of. I told him he could come even if she wasn't because I wanted him to walk his baby girl down the isle. I didn't have a wedding the first time. I am having a small one this time and I wanted at least one parent there and he couldn't even do that. Its a shame the parent we have left wants to have nothing to do with his own kids. Could care less about how we are doing and how his grand kids are doing. Yep, that is him. The most selfish asshole in the world. Ok, I can understand you walking out on your kids already and they are old enough to take it but come on. Do your grand kids like that, that don't know about that side of you because we hid it. My son will never be around someone who thinks its okay to come and go on his family when he gets a new woman in his life. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I am. Alright. Vent over.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Today, I think, is the first time I have truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I know I am not skinny or the most beautiful person or even close to it but I am me. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. Its weird because before all of my therapy and before me starting to write I felt normal. I thought things were ok in my head. They weren't and its proof now that it wasn't. I always made jokes about myself and how big I was (I still do that from time to time) but I truly am starting to feel better about myself. Emotionally and physically. I guess after years of abuse, sexual assaults, people telling you that you aren't good enough that will put a cloud over you.

We went to dinner with Steve's really good friend and his wife tonight. It was an unexpected date night and I had a lot of fun. It was nice to get out of the house and have grown up conversations with other adults without my precious 2 year old screaming in my ear ;)

So here is my point I guess. A lot of times when I am around other people I feel out of place. Well, I did. Because the people that I am around seem to have higher education than I do, been more places than I have, speak better than I do, and such. I've asked Steve if he was embarrassed that I am "just a photographer" and have never been any further than high school. Have also asked if my pronunciation of certain words embarrass him. He always said no but I always felt that I never met anyone standards. I was just a waste of space in this world. I was just a mom and a part time photographer so what good am I? Crazy talk right? Well this is what went through my head almost on a daily basis. I guess it has something to do with my PTSD, OCD, or generalized anxiety. I will say though since I have been on my medication, getting therapy, and writing all of these feelings have went away.

I do not feel dumb any more. I may not know every thing but I am certainly not dumb. I feel that I am a productive part of society and my work is still not finished. I feel like I belong in this world, in this town, with Steve, with my friends, and even with strangers.

A part of the story that must be told.

I will not call out my sexual abuser like I haven't the past two. Its not that I am scared I just feel that I am finally over it and saying names will not do anyone any good. At least not in my opinion.

I remember being at a relatives house. I want to say I was around 6. I couldn't have been any older than 8 at most. Another relative took the kids in his room to look around at how cool his room was. Me being a kid obviously I didn't think anything of it. After he showed us all his room he was making every one get out of the room and he told me stay. I thought I was going to get to see something special. He talked to me for a minute. About what I have no clue. I don't remember.

I do remember him telling me that there was something in his closet he wanted me to see. Well, his closet was one of those that was sort of like an old pantry. It didn't have a knob and it came out of the wall. It wasn't like closets now. Anyway, he told me to go in and look so I did. He followed me and shut the door. I remember it being dark in there. I don't know all the details leading to this as I was very young but he made me give him oral sex that night. He told me to put my mouth on his penis and told me it was special for me to do that and I couldn't tell anyone.

I have been ashamed and embarrassed to tell this part of my story. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I was a kid. I didn't know what those things were. He took advantage of me. It still makes me feel quite a bit embarrassed by this. Most of my problems I have been able to work out. Like my rape, and my molestation but this is different for me. Maybe its because it was a relative or maybe it was because of the act. I really don't know. I am still in therapy so I know that I will get through the shame I feel over this, its just its so raw for me.

Don't think I am sitting here typing and its making me sad. Yes, what happened to me was wrong and cruel and just disgusting on so many levels. But, I am ok. I am going to make it through this. I don't have a choice. I have come so far already.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Don't let the world harden your heart.





I saw this quote today. Its so true. Sometimes it can be hard not to let things that has happened to you take over your mind. Hard not to think of how mean or bad you could be to people. You have the right after all, all that has happened to you, right? I used to be like this and get so mad at people for absolutely no reason. I am getting over that and actually have for the most part. Its so hard not to be mad at every one that has done things to you, people who could have protected you.

I have been in the spot where I was hardened against the world. Its not fun to think that and to think the world is against you. Just because of things that happened to you. Things you were innocent of. People tend to judge. I felt I had to be like that or I would get hurt. It has taken me this long to get over my abandonment issues. Almost my entire life to March this year. I went that long with my mind set. I am glad to say I came back though. I am soft to people. I am kind and I love with everything I have. I forgive easily and I let people go that I know are going to be a nuisance for my healing process. Sometimes its just a must.


Friday, June 22, 2012

Do you want to make a difference?

I know I sure do. I would to harsher penalties for child abusers and sex offenders. While the victims suffer a lifetime of pain, the offenders get little to no jail time at all. I see something wrong with this and we need to change it. I cannot do it by myself. I need YOUR help. The first thing I need you to do is go to the link I am going to provide. Put in your information and sign the petition. It only takes a minute and no one gets your address.

https://www.change.org/petitions/us-government-harsher-penalties-for-child-and-sex-abusers

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Downs & Ups

Well, on Wednesday of last week I got some bad news. I literally broke down and didn't know what I was going to do. I had called my therapists office to re-schedule my appt. for that Friday since I decided to leave for Mississippi on Thursday instead. When I called the office person told me I couldn't re-schedule. I was puzzled as they always told me I could call and re-schedule as long as its before 24 hours. I then went on to ask why and she proceeded to tell me that my therapist would no longer be working there and they could assign me to someone else. I said no. I've made so much progress with my therapist I didn't want to see anyone else. They then told me they would put me through to her direct line and I left a very long, detailed message letting her know if she was going somewhere else I would like to follow if I could or to close my case because I would no longer see a therapist. She called me back a while later and I cried with her on the phone. I felt like I was losing a part of something I worked so hard to get. Does that make sense? She told me she was going to another office to be closer to her own little girl and her family (I can understand that). She said they usually do not let clients transfer to another county but she was going to try her best to talk to her supervisor and let her know my situation. She did, and called me back almost as I got home yesterday from my Mississippi trip. She said her supervisor is letting me go with her to her new place. I am super excited about this because I have more to tell and I think with her help I can do that.

Now, on to my vacation. Some of it was vacation with a little work. Lol. My main panic was that I was going to be photographing my cousins wedding party and the ceremony. Ahhhhhh! I was a nervous wreck and actually had a panic attack the night before we left for MS. This was a big deal for me. Two reasons-Number one it was my baby cousin and I already knew I was going to cry. Number two I don't do weddings, well inside anyway. I have two booked for outside and I am completely fine with those but inside photos with not a whole lot of lighting freak me out. So, I was super on edge. Not only that but I had the pressure seeping up behind me that I had to see 3 possibly 4 people that I didn't care to see. I say 3 of them, thankfully the 4th didn't show up. But, the 3 weren't that bad. We all stayed out of one another's way because its a mutual dislike if you will. The wedding went off without a hitch. I took photos and am glad of the way they are coming out. The only thing is I wish Steve would have brought Jace when I told him too so he could have been in the group photos. Lol. I do have a couple of him though. I was proud of my baby cousin for making this commitment and being, just beautiful. I love her so much.

This Mississippi trip was the first time I had been back since I started telling my story. I was wondering how it was going to feel. I always wanted to go see my family but always dreaded it because I hated the memories it brought with the trip. This time, I had no bad feelings with those things at all. I even took Steve by the house and yard I was raped in. I needed to do that to be sure I was fully over that and had closure from it. It didn't bother me at all. It was like driving by an unknown house and nothing ever happened. I also told him of another story while I was down that I hadn't told but one other person and I am still debating if I ever will. I probably will, I just have to get through it with my therapist first. It doesn't bother me in the way that the other things did but it embarrasses me more. I'm not sure why. I didn't make myself do anything. Someone else did. I guess we'll see.

As guests begin to get to my bridal shower on Sunday I was able to chat with a few of them while things were being finished. One of which was like a mother to me at one point and time. She had no idea the things I had went through and I don't even know how we got on the subject. It was very surprising to her to say the very least. And surprising that I do not believe in the things she does or that I did anymore. She still loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I'll become. I know this. It was like we picked up right were we left off. Anyway, the bridal shower kicked off and I must say I had an awesome time. Not a whole lot of people came and I was kind of glad because it gave me a chance to have one on one time with every one. It was nice. My sister in law, Tracey is the one who made it all possible so big props to her. My sister came the day of and was able to help a little.

The next day I went to my good friends house and visited with her for a while. It was nice to sit and chat. Of course, she asked me about my religion (or I guess you could say my lack of). Every one has questions when things like that are brought up and I don't mind answering them. Like I told her and have told every one else who has questioned me, just because I don't believe the same thing doesn't make me a bad person. I do great deeds for people, I help people in any way that I can and I love with all my heart. Of course there is always the question of me having an impact on the way Jace thinks about religion. Its true, there is some influence there as you are a parent but if he decides to go to church and things like that I will take him. I have no issue with this. In fact I will probably put him in a church mommy's day our program. Other than that I was able to talk to her mom more in depth about the things that happened to me that she had no idea about. She said something to me that I just can't shake. She told me if I had of came to her she would have fought for me. She would have tried to get me away from my dad and the things that he was doing. I was a scared teenager at the time. I tried to hide most of it. Even if I did tell her I knew how my dad was. He wouldn't have let it be like that. He would have done every thing he could to make my life miserable. I really do think that is what he does and does it on purpose. As a matter of fact on my bridal shower day he drove around the block of where it was being held. He has let his hair grow out into a pony tail, cut all of his facial hair off and all. This is the longest we have ever went without speaking. I've had the same number for years. He knows how to call but he refused to up until about a month ago (6 months since I had last saw or spoke to him) but I didn't answer. I have nothing to say to him unless its in person. I'm no coward anymore and will not back down from his words.

All in all I had a pretty good trip to visit my family and friends. I had a beautiful bridal shower and I loved getting to be a "princess" for the day. Lol. I loved my tiara. Ha.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Triggers

Sometimes when you are in a situation it triggers memories. Its not necessarily something bad happening but the trigger is there. Today as I watched my very beautiful 2 year old son play in his little kiddie pool at his grandparents house I had a vision. Well, several of them including water. I'm quite afraid of deep water. I can swim, I can actually swim pretty great. The scary part is still there though and I'll tell you why. When I was a little girl. I do believe it was at my Aunt Debbie's house (rest her soul) where I was swimming with all the other kids. My parents were drunk as were all of the adults there. My dad thought it would be funny to come grab me by my hair and hold me under. I honestly don't think he was trying to drown me but he almost did. I was panicking of course and me being so little I still remember it fully. Even if it was a joke to him, it wasn't for me. It scared me half to death and I have been scared of water ever since. I could never do Jace that way. I don't see how a parent could even let a thought like that cross their mind. Its just crazy to me.

I also remembered another incident while sitting there. I am not sure why this one came to me but it did. We were at my Aunts house again. There were quite a few people there including some strange man. My mom was carrying on a conversation with him to be polite of course because he was "new to the family group". This pissed my dad off. He started yelling and screaming and tried to fight the guy. So needless to say he yelled at us to all get in the car so we did. Very fast. When he was on these war paths as we called them we knew it was going to be hell. As we all got in the car my dad was driving like a maniac of course and accusing my mom of flirting and trying to get with that guy. He was yelling and screaming and she was trying to explain to him that she was just being nice and friendly to a new person that was there. He didn't care, he was jealous. He slammed on his brakes in the middle of the road and went to her side of the car and jerked her door open. He then started slapping and hitting her, telling her she was a married woman and a whore for flirting with this man. He finally got back in the car and drove all the way home driving like a maniac and cursing and screaming at her. I don't remember much after we got home. He was probably still calling her a whore and cursing at her. Probably even beat the crap out of her.

Yes, this is what we had to witness over and over again as young children. I could not ever imagine another child going through this.......

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I've talked about this a lot.

I can't help going back over it sometimes. You know? For me I am free from all of the burdens and baggage that I had from my tainted childhood but of course the memories still remain. They always will, I do believe. I do get to thinking from time to time that if my dad hadn't been the way he was and treated my mom and us kids the way he did then I would have never gotten molested because my mom would have never left him. He was the love of her life and every one knew that. She catered to him all the time. It was sweet watching her sometimes. When there were good moments because you could tell she had more love in her heart than she knew what to do with.

Then I think well even after they divorced and I started spiraling out of control from being molested that had he of been there for my brother and I maybe my rape would have never happened. Maybe if he was there like a father should have been all of the bad things that happened to all of us could have been prevented. It wasn't though and we were/are left with the pieces scattered all around to try to clean up. For the most part my siblings and I have managed to put the pieces back together. How were we able to do that? By completely shutting our dad out. I didn't want to do that but he has shown his complete lack of respect and parenting to us over the past year that I would never want to have anything to do with him again. He doesn't deserve to be called a father. Not by me. He can be called daddy from someone else but it will never be me again. I let him have far too much control over my life and my thinking for far too long. I even hid certain parts of my personality from him. Because I knew he would judge me. He abandoned me for the last time.

He did try to call a couple of weeks ago. I didn't answer. After 6 months he decides to call. Yea, I don't think so. At this point there is nothing left to say. When I told him Steve and I were getting married he acted like a real dad for the whole phone conversation and was truly happy for me (so I thought). When I started my wedding planning I made sure to let Steve know I wanted to get married in MS so that no one in my family could have an excuse not to come. Its only 4-5 hours from them. I am driving 11 hours with a 2 year old. When I asked him if he was coming and walking me down the isle he says "why, to watch you get remarried". That was a low blow. It really was. Since then I haven't wanted him even at my wedding.

Of course I have my big brother. Who by the way is only a little over a year older than me. Lol. He is honored to be walking me down the isle. After all he calls me his baby girl because he is the one who took care of me and made sure I went to school every day when our dad was off doing his own thing for weeks/months at a time. Even though we had our issues and fought like enemies I wouldn't want anyone else to be walking me down the isle in October. My brother has changed. He is not the same person he once was. I am the proudest little sister ever. I am so happy and proud of him I just cannot say it enough. He means the world to me and for him to want to walk me down the isle means everything to me. I talked to his wife, Tracey, last night and couldn't help but cry while talking about him and how far he has come and how excited I was for him to be the one to walk me on my wedding day.

My dad is no longer invited to my wedding or invited into my life. I think its crucial for it to stay that way. If I let him back in it will just be like it always has been. He'll be there for a couple of years and then he will move on to the next best thing. Its better this way.

In October, the day before Steve and I exchange our vows we are going to have a little ceremony for our mother. We are going to scatter her ashes on the beach. She would want that. Its time to let her go so we can be free from that hurt of losing her and she can be free. I am looking forward to the spreading of the ashes and marrying my best friend the next day.

Life can be a beautiful thing, you just have to get past all of the bad stuff that has happened to you. I am surprised I have been able to get through all of this so easily but I am a woman with a ton of determination and did not want to let this define me. I am defining my own self and I am my own person. I choose to raise my son differently and break the cycle.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Leaving one situation of abuse just to go to another.

Yes, that is exactly what I did. Remember my blog about leaving my dad's on my 18th birthday because I refused to be a victim of his any longer? Well, when I left I moved in with a long time boyfriend of mine and his grandparents. Not boyfriend I don't guess I can say because although young, he had asked me to marry him when I was 17 and I said yes. So he was my fiance, actually. I was in a relationship with this boy/man for four years. Two of them when I was still in high school and the other two after I graduated. While I was still in high school he isolated me from most of my friends. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with friends anymore. I had to hang out with him every day after school. When I got a job working after school I had to hang out with him after work. I was unable to spend time with my friends. I am actually surprised that I still have a few of those good friends after I turned my back on them for him. One being a great guy friend that I still have to this day. He forgave me for not talking to him during that time. He said he understood but I still to this day feel bad about it. I really do. But, you know what? We are still close friends and every time I go to MS I make sure he is the one of the first on my list to make sure I get a visit with. He means the world to me and was there for me when I had no one else. He is like a brother to me. I'll put his name. I'm sure he won't mind. So, thank you Cody. Thank you for putting up with my bull crap and my turning my back on our friendship because someone else told me we couldn't be friends. You are a great friend that has stuck by me and I love you for that.

Now, back to the story. During this relationship as I stated he isolated me from my friends. After I moved out from my dad's house he isolated me from my family. I didn't talk to my dad for a year anyway and didn't really care about talking to him. But, my mom and sister lived in Arkansas at the time. Every time I wanted to go visit he would give me a guilt trip and say all kinds of mean things to me for me not to go. I would give in and not go because I knew if I did what crap I would have to hear when I got back. So I never went to visit needless to say and I regret that to this day. I could have had more time with my mom if it weren't for this jackass. Anyway, we eventually moved out of the house with his grandparents and into our own house. We were renting it from one of his relatives. It was even further away from any friends and family. So he basically had be secluded from the world. I was allowed to go to school, then work, then come home. All the while he sat at home and played video games and only worked about a total of 6 months the entire relationship. Almost on a daily basis he would call me a whore, slut, bitch, fat, ugly, etc. He said if I ever left him no one else would love me. I believed him for a long time. I really thought all of those things. He also would often visit me at work and sit at a table and watch me work and interact with my customers. Especially the men. If I smiled and said "How are you today" he would let me know about it later at home. He always thought I was cheating on him.

He would also do things that he knew bothered me just to get me in panic mode. He knew I couldn't handle things being over my face and little things like that. And, because he knew this he would often put pillows and cover over my face until I had an outright panic attack. One time I had a panic attack so bad that I literally thought I was going to die because he did this to me. I ran and jumped in the shower with all of my clothes on and the water on freezing cold. I was screaming and crying at this point. I stayed in there well over 45 minutes. He came in and checked on me and said he was sorry. His apologies were always empty though as he would do the same things over and over again knowing the effect it would have on me. He didn't care.

He never physically abused me but he emotionally and mentally abused me. He did once push me very lightly out of anger. When he did I unleashed my wrath on him because I promised myself after watching my mom being beaten for 22 years, my siblings and I being beaten I would never let a man lay a hand on me out of anger. I have kept that promise to myself and always will. Although, I do not have that to worry about anymore.

Finally after years of mental and emotional abuse from him I decided to end our relationship. Of course he wasn't letting me go without a fight. I packed what little I could in my car and took it to my dad's house to store. It was all of my close and personal items. I didn't know where I was going to live but it was going to be with neither of them. I'd had enough abuse. In the time it took me to get to my dad's and back he took all of my stuffed animals I had collected through the years from my family and slit their throats. Yes, that is what he did and left them laying on the bed. I gathered them and a few more things I could fit into my car and had planned to get my dad to help me get the furniture I paid for the next day. When I went back the next day there was nothing left. He took everything. With the help of his family of course and I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't have receipts. But, I am the one who worked and paid for it all. I was so angry. Upon further investigation into the apartment we were renting I found used condoms. I knew they weren't from me because I was not having sex with him. I later found out what they were from. He had been cheating on me. Almost the entire relationship. This is why he was so "protective" over me and so jealous of everything I did. Because he was hiding something himself and thought that surely I was too. I just told myself to forget about it, I didn't care. I was out of the relationship and there was nothing left to say. That is, until I found out who he had been cheating on me with. It was a man. By this point I was fuming mad.

Let me say this. I have nothing against gays, lesbians, bisexuals and most of you know that. I wish the law would change so that gay and lesbian couples can be married. I am all for it. What I am not all for is a person claiming to be straight and having sex with his fiance and also having sex with another person, a man on top of that. Did he not think of the risk he put me at of contracting aids? No, he was just selfish. He will still deny it to this day. They both will but I know the truth. After I found this out I saw them one night together, standing at the back of his car. I revved my motor (as much as it would go) and stomped my foot on that gas peddle with every intention of running them both over with my car. As luck would have it though I had a good friend in the car with me and she jerked the steering wheel from me and made me stop the car and let her drive.

That was the last time I had contact with him. I have seen him sense. When I still lived in Mississippi I would see him and his family often. They went around calling me a whore saying I was sleeping with everyone all the while not knowing what their precious family member was really doing. He sure had me fooled for 4 years and took away 4 years of my life by being abuse to me. It was a lesson well learned though. I knew after him what I didn't want a relationship to be. I have since been in a couple of bad relationships. None as bad as that one. But, I can happily say today that I have been with the man of my dreams for almost 4 wonderful years. He has never been mentally or emotionally abusive to me, he has loved me unconditionally even when I wasn't loveable. He has never laid a hand on me or cursed at me. I found my soul mate and prince charming when I found Steve.

I'll never have to be in an abusive situation again and feel 100% safe with him.

It happens more than you think.



It happens more than you think it does. Help stand against child abuse and raise awareness to it. If you see anything suspicious, report it! These kids cannot speak for themselves like I could not speak for myself. We have to be their voices!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

She's not just a stranger anymore.

I consider her my friend and will for life. You just never know who will be placed in your life and why. I won't say her name on here but this woman has been through even more than I have. She has touched me deeply and has shaken me to the core on wanting to help people even more. The woman I am talking about is a 32 year old lady with two of the most beautiful daughters you could ever see and a loving husband.

I was bored one night a few months back and none of my friends at the time were playing draw something with me. For those of you who don't know its a game where you basically draw things. It gives you three words to choose from and then you just draw it and wait for your opponent to guess it. Well this particular night I selected a random opponent. It chose for me and it was this lady. We played for a while and also wrote to one another on the screen. We did this for a few weeks at least. We eventually became facebook friends. I told her I was a photographer and she wanted to check out my work so I gave her my page and then we just became friends. Seemed like a nice enough lady from what I knew of her from playing the game. Lol. I know, it sounds silly but it gets deeper.

Throughout our friendship on Facebook she comments on my photos of Jace and I do the same on her photos and videos of her girls. We went on commenting back and fourth for a long time. We have now been Facebook pals for a few months. Our deep conversation only started this past week. For some reason after reading my blog posts about my tragic events in my life she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me some things about her. Some very tragic things. Of course, I asked her if I could share her story. I know how hesitant she is/was and you will too once you read of her story. But, I have to tell it. For her and for myself.

She wrote me a message one night saying we have more things in common than she thought. She also suffers from PTSD and had a very bad childhood. I didn't want to ask too much at that point because I didn't want to be intrusive. Over the next few days she tells me bits and pieces of what happened to her. The first thing was her dad had been in prison for quite some time for abusing her. I didn't ask at that time what type of abuse because like I said I didn't want to be intrusive. She was sharing and I let her share what she wanted to share with me. She went on to tell me that she was also raped at 14.

This is where it gets hard for me. As you all know from reading I was raped at 13. It screwed me up a lot. Well, not only did she get raped she got pregnant by her perpetrator. She decided to keep the child and not breathe a word to anyone about the rape. So she would rather people think she just made a mistake when she was younger and not have to ever let her child know she was from a rape incident. I cannot tell you how much this tore me apart. Although I was raped I was fortunate enough not to get pregnant from it. I could not imagine what that must have felt like. For her to tell me that she just put it in the back of her mind as something totally different and deal with it and love the child no matter what inspired me more than anything ever has in my life. I don't believe in abortion, period. I do however believe in situations like this it could be forgiven or even give the baby up for adoption. She is so strong. I cried my eyes out to Steve telling him about this. Even though we are friends the way we are it was killing me to know that her being the age her daughter is now she was going through this at that time. I also had feelings of there is no way I could ever keep a child like that. I couldn't cope with it and deal with it. Its amazing how she kept her baby and now a beautiful teenager even though she was conceived the way she was. I felt for her, the childhood that was taken from her, the person she still is because of this.

Her story doesn't just end there. There is actually details I left out even before the rape of this man that got her pregnant. I finally asked her if she didn't mind me asking why her dad went to prison. She told me he abused her but didn't tell me how. I finally asked that and it was even more heartbreaking to me. Her dad, that is/was supposed to be her protector started molesting and raping her at the age of 5. Yes, 5! She had to endure this for years. Many years. Somehow it came out and he of course went to prison. Rightly so. In my eyes he didn't serve enough time. Sexual abusers do not serve enough time period. Do you know that drug dealers serve more time than sexual abusers? I think that needs to change. I can't change it. I wish I could. They only have to register as sex offenders which is still not enough. They can still be around kids and abuse people.

Even though I went through what I did and have had some friends come to me about what happened to them, her story makes me want to change the laws for things like this. I want to make a difference and change the way things are done about these situations. Its not fair to the victims that they live with this for the rest of their lives and they get out of prison and get to continue their life. Never thinking of what they did to their victim. Its not just sexual abuse they have to endure but the after that comes with that. The years of torment they have to endure emotionally because of what happened to them. The never trusting another man because of what happened to them, the nightmares, the panic attacks, the paranoia. Yes they all deal with this, just like I have. Yet the perpetrator gets out of jail in a couple of years and can go on living his live. How is that even fair?! Its not!

To my special friend that I have become close friends with. You have helped me and inspired me even though you said I did that for you. You helped me in the process. You made my drive to change things even more. I have never met you in person and I love you. You are a beautiful person and I hope to someday get to meet you and talk with you in person. We crossed paths for a reason. Keep your head up. If you can't write for yourself yet or tell your story I will do it for you and help you any way that I can. You are a beautiful soul and I consider you a great friend of mine now.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Inspiring

That is what I want to be. That is what I want people to look at me as. I have had several emails over the paste few days from people saying things such as they admire me for being able to open up and share my story so publicly and others who want me to know how much I have been an inspiration to them and helped them. It makes me feel good to know that I am helping people in my healing process. As my therapist has told me a burden shared is a burden cut in half and to talk it to death. That is the way to heal. You talk to death until there is nothing left to say. Which would be the freeing process I spoke about in my blog the other day.

The other day I walked into the UPS store to ship something to a dear friend of mine. I had groceries in the car and knew I needed to hurry. There were three people in front of me and the process seemed kind of slow. At the time it was only one gentlemen in there. A few minutes later another guy walks in and of course he starts to help me as one of the young ladies had to leave because she didn't know what was in her package. He started helping me with my package. I am not sure how we got on the subject or what. I don't know if it was because of what I was sending or what. Wait, yes I do. It was because of what I was sending. I can't say what it is because my friend hasn't received it yet but I wanted to send it to her to inspire her and help her get through a troubling time she is going through right now. I told him why I was sending it and told him about my blog, about having PTSD and OCD due to the physical and sexual abuse I have been through. In other words I was trying to help my friend because I have been through this and I know what it feels like to be in a dark hole and not be able to climb out of it. The gentleman proceeds to tell me he is an Army Vet (bless him) but he suffers from PTSD as well. His is only seasonally though. We talked about the difference in sexual assault victims and war veterans as far as PTSD is concerned. He was telling me all about his struggles during the time that it was really bad where he was. Which is February until about June. So every year during these months his PTSD comes out really bad and he has these vivid, visual nightmares. I had them my whole life, every night. He would tell me that his wife would wake him up and he would be walking all over the house fully asleep but he was on look out in his dream. Its scary stuff to go trough things like that but gosh he inspired me so much. He is a psychology student at IUS. Of course, this intrigued me even more. The reason it did is because usually the one's who have things happen to them or have been through bad things are the first to help you when you need it most. So that is what he is doing. Studying this so he can help others that haven't got to their "freeing" stage yet. I just think its awesome.

He went on to tell me of a girl from IUS coming to him with a problem. Her problem was she went out with a bunch of people she didn't know got drunk with these people and two of the guys raped her. Now, he gave her the right advice. He told her to pursue criminal charges against them which she is doing. He said it had been a long process for her and it still isn't over. They are trying not to prosecute one because she doesn't remember saying no. Well, of course she doesn't remember she was drunk! Anyway, he told me about her and gave me her number. He also took my contact info in case she wanted to call and talk to me or even email me. During our now very long conversation and not even caring about hurrying home now (there was no food that would go bad) I wanted to ask him if IUS had support groups for rape victims and such. He didn't know of any but I told him during this process it has made me realize that I would like to go talk to groups that are at risk for this type of abuse. Not only sexual but physical as well. He gave me the contact information for the people I could talk to at IUS to see if I could come and start speaking to certain groups about my story and maybe get them to open up to me with theirs. And, maybe help someone along the way that is going through a tragic time in their life and have no one else who can relate to talk to. I plan on going to IUS and talking to these people to see what I can get started. There needs to be more awareness brought out. Of course we hear of it often but not enough is being done to the people who are doing the acts. Not enough victims are coming forward because they are too afraid (me). I was one of those. I still haven't told who my abusers were and never will. Its too late now. I have closed that chapter in my life. If I open it back up to try to prosecute them it would be drawn out and they probably wouldn't be convicted anyway. Its been 14 years now. There is really no way of proving it now. It would be their word against mine. But, I would like to help others pursue whatever it is they want or to be there for them if they need an ear to listen.

Friday, May 18, 2012

You just know when you're free......

Today I had another therapy session. I missed last month because I was in the hospital and totally out it. Thought it was a different day and all. Anyway, my therapist is the sweetest. She really is. I don't really know if I could have gotten to this point without her. Well, yes I do know. I know I WOULDN'T have gotten passed everything I have without her help. She opened so many doors for me that would not have been there otherwise.

I still want to keep seeing her as I do believe it helps but like I explained to her to do. The chains are broken. I have looked at my rapist online, I know where my molester is and what he is doing, and well my dad issues are right where I want them. Not there. Maybe it sounds cruel of me to say this but I really don't want to have something to do with someone who comes in and out of my life constantly. I have felt abandoned so many times in my life by him that I refuse to let him back in this time. I am 27 years old and old enough to make that decision no matter the criticism it may come with. Speaking of my dad, he did call yesterday. After 6 months of not speaking to me or his grandson he calls. 6 months! I have sent a Save the Date card to him, a Valentines Day card to him from Jace, a photo collage of Jace's birthday, and misc other photos in this time period and I never once got a call from him. He turned his back on me and his family again for another woman. I won't let it happen again. I have to protect myself and now my son from his extreme lack of respect for others feelings. I will never let my son feel the abandonment that I have felt my entire life. He did it to me, he won't get the chance to do it to my son.

If ever I am asked a question about my father from a stranger I will simply tell them that I know who he is, but I don't know him. I really don't know this man. Yes, he abused my mom for 22 years. Yes, he abused all of his kids. Yes, he was a raging alcoholic. But, for the past 4 years we had a close relationship. I forgave him for everything he had done to us, to me. Then, he decides to walk out of my life again after making so much progress. This is why my heart is turned to stone against him. He did to us again what he did to my brother and I when he would leave us literally for weeks at a time when we were 12-13 while he had his weekly and sometimes monthly rendezvous with whatever woman would have him. This time I can control it, and I will. He is no longer a part of my life and never will. No, I don't feel guilty for it. And, no, if something happens to him I won't feel guilty about it. He did this. He made his own bed and now he must lie in it. I did none of this. I did nothing to deserve this, my bother and sister did nothing to deserve the abuse he put us through nor the abandonment he made us go through.

I am free. I am only free because I have let him go, I have let my rapist go, I have let my molester go. They can own what they did to me because I no longer own. I can truly say that with a smile on my face and not a tear running down my cheek. That's how you know when you're free. The bounds are broken, the cycle is over. I have broken it and so have my siblings.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Weight Struggles

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. When I was younger after the molestation, rape, and my dad making snide comments about looks I would either starve myself or eat a ton of food and go make myself throw up. This is a part of my story that only Steve knows. He is the only person I ever told. Even though I was huge I would still make myself throw up. Trying to get the food out and trying my hardest not to gain more weight. Obviously it wasn't working but only half of the time. My weight would fluctuate. I would lose it all by starving or making myself throw up. After I would stop doing both I always gained the weight right back, of course. It was struggled and it always has been for me. Some people are just naturally thin and I would envy them from time to time. I think now sometimes that I wish I were one of those people that didn't have to work to get to a healthy weight. Now, don't get me wrong I won't ever be skinny nor do I want to be. I just want to be healthy so as Jace continues to grow and develop I can do more things with him without tiring out to quickly. The way I see it, its not fair for him to live with a fat mother that can't do everything he wants to do because it almost kills me. Of course, my friends always said you are not fat or family. Excuse me, yes, I was fat. I am still fat. I still have 40 lbs to go. I swear if it takes everything I have I am losing that damn 40 lbs.

Now for your viewing pleasure (hahaha) here is a before and after of just my face so far. 33 lbs down. The photo on the left was taken in December and the photo on the right was taken this month. Photos don't lie. Now try to tell me I wasn't fat. Lol.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day to my mama!

I know you can't be here with us but I love you so very much. Happy Mothers Day. I wish you were here for me to tell you that in person but I know you can't be. I hope you are looking down on me, Denise, and Charlie and seeing all we have accomplished all in honor of you. You are the reason we are as strong as we are. You were the best mother you could be and you taught us so many life lessons. Without you we wouldn't know how to love. We all three love hard and we get that from you. I hope you are resting peacefully and just know you have your three kids thinking of you today and 6 grand kids. We all love you so much.


Steve's Graduation!

He did it! He finally did it. It seemed liked a lifetime getting here for myself and I am sure it felt like that for him or even worse. Its been four long years. He has been in school the entire time we have been together and well the entire time I have known him. Almost 2 years into our relationship we had Jace. I love that little guy and so does Steve but man did that put a major strain on things. Now, I was a stay at home parent that felt like a single parent because Steve didn't have time to do anything but work and do his homework or study for a test. Please, don't get me wrong. I am no complaining, I am just stating how hard it was for all three of us and how long of a road it has been. So for 2 years its mostly felt like single parenting with the exception of a few breaks that weren't nearly long enough. Of course every break he had, he made sure to spend it with us and we would do things as a family. I am thankful for that. Seriously, at times I really thought I was going to lose my mind but I didn't. I made it and stuck by Steve even though the sacrifices that had to be made and I am glad I did. Today was one sweet day! Today everything paid off. All the nights I had to get up all night with Jace and deal with him all day, then clean, cook dinner, etc it paid off. All the long nights Steve had doing homework or studying for an exam. It paid off. I am happy to say that my fiance graduated with honors today from the University of Louisville with a Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering. Way to go Steve!!!! We both thank you for all the sacrifices you had to make to try to better our family and we love you so very much!





























Thursday, May 10, 2012

I feel whole again.

I really do. My entire thought process has changed. I view things differently and I am healthy to boot. I still speak my mind and always will. That is something that is built within me and I believe I have the right to free speech and I will use it :) I get it from my mamma. Wish she was still here but she isn't.

 First, I want to say congratulations to Steve. He successfully completed his Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering. I am so very proud of him and all that he has accomplished. He will graduate and walk this weekend. I cannot wait to see it. The entire time we have been together I have had to share his brain with school work. I have been patient, understanding, and supportive. He did this for us, for his family and I am so very thankful for that and to have him in my life. I love you Steve and you are my soul-mate. When I say this I truly mean it. I cannot wait until Oct 6th gets here and I can finally say I do to the man of my dreams. You truly are "my better half".

 Second, I want to say congratulations to my brother. He went to school to be a truck driver and to get his CDL license and he passed at the top of his class! I am so proud of him. He didn't think he could do it but I had faith in him the whole time. Me and a handful of others. He is in training right now in Des Moines, Iowa at one of the largest trucking companies in the US. He will be there for quite a while but its so well worth it. To see my brother succeed in something and do so well at it has warmed my heart and made me the proudest little sister ever.

Thirdly, my sister deserves a congratulations as well. She has been trying so hard to find a job and she finally got one. She said after our mother passed she would never work in the healthcare field again but she is doing it. Its only part time now but has the potential to become full time. I am proud of her for making these steps to better herself and her family.

As far as my father goes we still haven't spoken to him. Well, let me take that back. My brother talked to him very briefly. He almost caused my brother not to graduate from school and get the job he wanted. He used my dad as a work reference because he worked with my dad at his mechanics shop for over 4 years. When they called my dad he said "I don't know nothing about that". Its crazy how a "father" could do such things to their kids. We are still all refusing to call him and speak to him. If we were that important he would have called after all the cards I sent from Jan-March but he still hasn't. I don't care anymore. It was bothering me really bad but at this point he should no longer exist to me. He doesn't care so why should I? I have gotten help for my issues and know what to do to deal with my emotions. As bad as it sounds, I honestly could give two shits if I ever see him again. I really hope I don't. I am going down to my cousins wedding in June and I hope he isn't there. If he tries to talk to me I am just going to act like I don't even know who he is. That is how he has treated us over the past 5 months and half of our childhood so why should I care. 

With that, I am done :) I will leave you with a quote.

"Positive results will come when you start to replace your negative thoughts and habits with positive ones." 


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am strong enough.


I saw this today and it spoke to me. Before I started getting help for my tragic childhood I didn't understand why I was being put through everything I was. I didn't understand at the time why the God I had once believed in would let a child/teenager/adult go through so much. Most people couldn't handle what I have been through. They would have "fell off the deep end" already. As much as I have been through I can honestly say it has made me stronger.

Don't get me wrong, I am not completely "healed" or whatever you want to call it. I do have a deeper understanding of my life, the things that happened to me, and the life I lead now. My life is totally different than that of what I envisioned when I was graduating high school. I am happy for that. I am in a safe place in my life. I have people that surround me with love and affection. Something I didn't receive as a child. I knew my mom loved me and she made it a point to always tell us how much she did love us. Our dad would say it but actions speak louder than words. I was made to feel like I was unlovable. That I did something wrong to deserve all the punishment I was receiving.  The abuse I had to watch my mom endure for 22 years of marriage to my dad, the abuse we endured when she wasn't around to knock around, the abuse of being left at home for weeks at a time with no food and no way to get any, the abuse from my sexual predators.

There was so much for 3 kids to have to go through yet we all made it out. Somehow, someway we did. Its still not easy to think about my dad turning his back on us once again. I haven't talked to him in 5 months although there have been several things mailed to him, he refuses to pick up the phone and call. Yes, it still bothers me to know that I have friends who have parents that do everything to make sure there kids are happy and my dad never bothered to do that. And, he is still acting the same way. New woman, same circumstances. We are just all grown now and it does sting. I can honestly say this though. My entire life I have made it not because of what he has done but because what I have done to change my future. I refuse to let him back into my life. He made his choice and his bed so now he must lie in it. Do I feel guilty? Not in the least bit. I have never abandoned him or walked out of his life without contacting him even though he did all the things he did. He has walked out of my life for the last time. Sometimes you just have to let people go, no matter who they are. Especially if they cause you undue stress by walking in and out like a revolving door. It makes you feel abandoned over and over again. I will not go to that place again and risk all that I have accomplished for a man that has proven he doesn't care over and over again.