Frustration

As most of you know from seeing my facebook status the other day, I was NOT happy after my appointment with the doctor.

First of all they scheduled me to see the doctor at 3:45PM and then the therapist at 4:00PM. Only a 15 minute time frame to get to my therapist. Well, of course, as usual the doctor was running behind so I said I would come back at a later date to see my therapist since it was 4:30 by the time I saw the doctor. No big deal. That didn't even upset me. I knew I needed to see the doctor though because I have felt withdrawn, depressed, and just plain angry lately. I know what it is, I don't have a PhD. I'm no doctor but I know me and I know my body. My medication has ran its course. Its not working! I don't know how many times I have to tell these people this!!!! I know there are some hiccups along the way with all medication, but for me to be on a certain medication for TWO years and I still feel the same way half the time then the crap isn't working and I need something different/better. So, after I finally talk him in to trying something else (remind you he kept me on the same two medications I was already on, just added a new one to the mix) we moved on to a different conversation and this is where I got extremely pissed off.

He asked me where I was working now so I told him. No big deal. Well, he first proceeds to tell me that I am working on the wrong side. The WRONG side? What??? Are you kidding me?? I'm working on the damn right side! At least I am not sitting my fat ass at home daily doing absolutely nothing. I am working and helping to take care of my family. Then, he asked me who I was living with? Really? He already knows this crap. Of course I live with my husband whom I love dearly and my son. Now, oh now. He asked me what my husband did for a job. I told him he was a Civil Engineer at "such and such." He then had the nerve to ask me why am I even working then?!

I was absolutely livid at this point! My blood was boiling. I AM WORKING TO HELP GIVE MY SON THE BEST LIFE WE CAN! What does he expect me to do? Quit my job to just sit at home? Why shouldn't I have a job to help my husband with the bills? Why shouldn't I work to help put my son through preschool which he needs? Why shouldn't I work so I can help put food on the table and clothes on our backs? I almost told him I wouldn't have to work if he didn't take all my damn money with his appointments and if he didn't think I should be working then give me some of that damn money he was making off giving people piss poor treatment. Ridiculous!

I really can not tell you guys how pissed off I was after this appt. I'm hoping Steve's job doesn't end so I can get some good insurance. That way I can go to a regular doctor, give him my medical records and try to find a good course of action so I don't have to go back to this doctor. Lets face it. I can't stop taking the medication I am on. I've tried. The withdrawals are so bad I feel like I am going to die. Severe vertigo, shakes, tremors, nausea, vomiting, headaches, night sweats, etc.

Well, that about sums up my facebook post the other night. I still stand by what I said too. Stop giving money to the mental health professionals to medications that can have such bad effects on your body and legalize marijuana!

Withdrawn

I really cannot pin point the date, but I have noticed I've pretty much withdrawn myself from most people. I honesty did not intend to do that nor do I want that. I love my friends and my family. It's just with working full time and having a family you really don't have a ton of extra time. Besides, you all probably have shit loads of things to do and people to take care of as well.

I wouldn't trade my beautiful little family for anything. I love them so much. They are my whole world. So, believe me, I am not complaining.

It's hard to have the energy to converse with people now a days. I guess maybe its because I am married and a mom. I feel like I don't have anything interesting and fun to talk about except Steve

and Jace. And, as much as I know most of you love and care about Jace and Steve as well, you all don't want to hear about them all of the time. 

I guess what I really want to say through this blog is this. If you've felt neglected by me, or felt I wasn't there. I'm truly sorry. I would love to be everything to everyone, you all should know that about me by now. 

Now, I will say this. I have distanced myself from certain people as of late for the simple fact we are two worlds apart and I don't want to hear or be involved in drama every time we talk. It's pointless and my nerves can't handle all that mess. 

I'll finish with this. Just know I love you all and even though we don't speak, I think of you all often. 

PS. In a few weeks I am going to start a compilation of photos and stories to go along with them (no, I'm not starting my photography business back). This is just something I thought of and thought it would be super cool. Stay tuned, I may just need your help ;)

Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. –John Maxwell