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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Monday, September 3, 2012

Learning to not feel guilty.

I've talked to my therapist many times about the guilt I felt over cutting my dad completely out of my life. I know it was a necessary part of my life and my healing process yet I had major guilt over it. As she told me on numerous occasions why should I feel guilty? He is the one who did all the wrong, not me. I was just to the point that I wasn't going to take it anymore so I had to let him go.

Anyway, his birthday was Saturday. It was also his one year anniversary to being married to his new wife. I felt guilty for not calling and saying Happy Birthday. I always have called. I didn't call him Father's Day either. In fact I have not talked to him since Christmas night. He has tried to call once and I didn't answer. It was already after months had passed. What would have been the point of answering anyway. We would have gotten into a huge argument because I am no longer afraid of him like I was when I was younger.

I don't know why I felt so bad about not calling him on his birthday. He didn't call Jace on his, nor my brother, my nieces, or nephews. He pretty much made the decision himself now that I really think about it. He decided to throw his family away yet again for another woman. Its just a different one this time.

Sometimes I just wish I had some normalcy in my childhood. Then, other times I am glad everything happened the way that it did. Otherwise, I would be a totally different person with a totally different outlook on life. I dunno. In time the guilt will go away, I know this. I just can't have him in my life. He can't taint my world any longer nor my son's. I refuse to let my son see what I had to see and feel the way I felt growing up and even part of my adulthood.

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