Just when you think you have it all figured out and nothing can bother you anymore, something jumps out and reminds you. Steve and I were shopping at Target the other day. He went to buy him a book since he is off work and hasn't really had much to do. So, I decided to get one as well. I decided to get A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard. I thought this book would give me more perspective and help me relate to someone who has been through some of the same things I had been through. I really thought it was going to help more. Well, I have been reading it for the past couple of days every chance I got. Which wasn't much. I got to page 55 tonight and I had to stop. I started crying and couldn't stop. I thought about all the abuse I endured. I felt awful for her to have to go through so much. I may have been sexually abused by three different men at different times but it was never over and over again. I cannot imagine what her young mind was going through. I know when I went though the molestation at age 11 I wanted to kill myself. I cut myself as often as possible to feel physical pain instead of the emotional pain I felt. She had to go through this for 18 years almost daily. Wow, just wow.
It opened a whole new can of worms for me tonight. Even though I feel I am still on the right track with my healing process I know I am not fully healed. If I were it wouldn't have gotten me so bad. I had to put the book away and I will not be finishing it. I can't. If I do I will cry the whole time and think about my situation. Not that I am feeling sorry for myself but its hard not to think of these things.
After I had my moment I heard Jace calling for me. He wanted me to come kiss him again. I almost broke down. I cannot imagine anything like that ever happening to my son. I have a lot of fear that surrounds him. I never want him to go through any of the things I had to go through as a child and young adult. I talked to my therapist today about my paranoia I have been having about something bad happening to my family or Jace. It has been taking over my mind. This is why she has been trying her best to get me in to see the new doctor. Which of course she did today. I go see him in October. I'm thankful for that. My OCD takes full control of my thoughts sometimes and its hard to handle. I'm just glad I am getting the help that I need now, while Jace is still young. By the time he is able to understand certain things I am almost certain this all will be passed me and I won't have to worry about any of it.