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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Something that helped me.

I am going to start this blog with a song/video. Please watch and listen. I am sure most of you have seen this video and heard this song a million times. But, this time really listen and watch. Because, it might have been a while since you last heard it.

The kids in that video were me. I went through most of the things they did. I wanted to run away so many times. I knew if I did though my dad would hunt me down and there wasn't much telling what he would do. I was fearful of him more than I was of the potential of getting hurt in the world. Isn't that a shame? Its crazy, really. So many times I saw what those kids saw. When I was younger this song helped me get through a lot of bad and crazy times in my life. Although, I do still cry when I hear and see the video I honestly believe it helped me. It gave me hope. Even though I didn't run away, it gave me hope that someday I would be out of all the pain I was in. There would be no more beatings of my mom, there would be no more beatings for my siblings and I, there would be no more sexual abuse for me, there would be no more trying to end my life. I would someday be happy. Even through all the pain, tears, fear, and every other emotion I had. I still had hope that maybe, just maybe someday I would get out of all of that and live a normal, happy life.

Thanks to this song, and a lot of coincidences along the way. I am were I am supposed to be. I am a mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old little boy who has an untainted love for me as I do of him. I have a husband that has supported me every step of the way. He has had to deal with a lot of issues from me. Especially, my nightmares that I used to have. Mine weren't normal. I could feel the rape over and over again in my sleep. When I would wake I was in pain (down there). They were real, to me. It was happening nightly. I couldn't sleep. I could barely function. Yet, he still loved me. Even when I almost (accidentally) killed myself taking too many sleeping pills and was in withdrawals for over a month. He was there. He was never mad at me. He talked to me, he tried to help me though as best as he could since he never had a basket case (that is what I called myself) to deal with.

I guess what I am trying to say is. If there is anyone out there that reads my blogs and feel you are alone in something you are not. I am here. I will listen to you, if you need to call me and cry. Do it. I will be there for you. I was one of the lucky ones that got out. Not until I was 18 but I got out. I managed to bring my life back to normal. I got through it with help from friends and then therapy that started in February. I only wish my mom were here to see the woman I have become. I may not be great to most or the most beautiful but my mom would have thought so. She would have been proud that I have changed my whole life. She would be proud of how I am raising my son, and she would love Steve for loving me even with my many flaws. I may not be a religious person, but I am a good person and would do anything for anyone. She would be proud of that.

I just want to close and say I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and take a minute to be thankful for the things you have and where you are in life. You are there for a reason. Love to you all.

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