About Me

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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why should I hide any part of myself?

I shouldn't. As I sat and talked to Steve today about this I couldn't help but think, so what?! Who cares what other people think about me and the decisions I make. I hid my entire childhood, my rape, my molestations, and all from the world until February. I was tired of hiding behind it. Having outburst of anger because I was keeping it bottled in. What good did that do me? None at all. As Steve lay in bed watching me get ready for work this afternoon we talked about why I hid the way I felt about religion and Christianity. My reason? I was scared that I would lose friends or clients. If I lose friends and clients over what I believe in then that is their fault, not mine. Number one, they would be losing a great friend because I am a damn good friend and I know I am. If I lose clients, so be it. In the end, I will know who I am and what I stand for. I will be glad that its out there and I don't have to hide it anymore. Its my choice. We all have our own freedoms. We all have a right to choose what we want to believe.

With that being said. Yes, I was once a Baptist. I attended church every Sunday morning and evening, on Wednesday and whenever there was a special event. I am now a non-believer. Yes, you saw right. The correct terminology there would be I am atheist. For those of you who do not know what that means let me insert the definition. Atheism is the lack of belief in a deity, which implies that nothing exists but natural phenomena (matter), that thought is a property or function of matter, and that death irreversibly and totally terminates individual organic units. This definition means that there are no forces, phenomena, or entities which exist outside of or apart from physical nature, or which transcend nature, or are “super” natural, nor can there be. Humankind is on its own.

I get questioned all the time when a friend finds out. It doesn't bother me at all when people question my "non-belief" or even when they say they will pray for me. I don't argue with people about this. Its my own opinion. Its what helps me sleep at night. Its what helps me get through. IT IS WHAT I BELIEVE. I don't have one single atheist friend that I know of. So its not due to that. All of my friends are actually Christian and we don't discuss it much. They have their beliefs and I have mine.  People can still be friends with different opinions. If a person is a true Christian though they won't turn their back on me no matter my lack of faith or not. We will see though what my friends list drops down too. I am completely ok with that. I have made my decision to stop hiding behind it.

For those wondering about Jace. I have had several friends "preach" to me about Jace. Well, first of all. He is MY SON. Last I checked, I birthed him. No one else did. Steve and I choose to raise him the way we see fit which means not pushing religion on him. When he gets old enough to make that kind of decision on his on, then I hope he makes the decision right for him. If he wants to go to church you bet your ass I will take him to church, anytime he wants to go. If he becomes a preacher one day, you bet your ass I will be at every sermon. It doesn't mean I have to believe it. Because I don't. I have my reasons.

People take tragic life events and go one of two ways. They either get closer to their God or become a non believer altogether. I chose to not believe. Because this God that people speak of that works all these great miracles wouldn't let things happen to me or anyone else that happens. But, they do. If he is so powerful, why can't he end the pain, the hunger, the hurt? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want an answer to it. I don't want a debate about it. At the end of the day/night, whatever. I will still believe what I believe and you will still believe what you believe.

So many nights I laid in my bath tub with 6+inch cuts on myself trying to take my own life and get away from the hurt I was in. Laying in a pool of blood screaming to a god that I once believed in to take my life and let the suffering end already. I had enough. Although I am thankful to still be here and have the life I have now, it wasn't for a god. It was for MY persistence and MY hard work.

I will say I do believe in miracles, but probably not the miracles you do. I believe my son was miracle and a gift from my mother (wherever she may be) as she knew I was hurting and needed someone to fill her spot and love me the way she did. That happened for me and I haven't looked back since.

I hope to not lose friends or clients over this post or over my non belief but if I do, I am ready for those consequences. It has to be told sooner or later. I figure the sooner the better. Its time to stop hiding and tell people how I really feel. With all of that being said-To my Christian friends (which is probably 99% of you) I love you all and I am glad you have something to believe in and I am thankful that you don't push things down my throat. I am thankful that even though we have different views we can still be friends. And, to those of you that choose to end our friendship-That is ok. I won't hurt over it. It is your decision to make.



The Staves said...

I love that you posted this !



Katrina F said...

Girl It's ur life and ur opinion... I know a lot that u've been threw.. Either way i STILL love you!