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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Holding my ground.

Its been well over a year since I spoke to my father. Its not been easy to let go of someone who helped create me but as I know and some of you from reading my blogs, it was for the best. When I was near him, I was afraid still. Like the little girl I was so many years ago, finding the perfect hiding spot so no one could find me until I was ready to come out. Although I didn't hide this time I just cut him out. Not only did going around him make me on edge because you never knew when he was going to flip out but he also had a way of making everything your fault. Like he did nothing wrong during my childhood or over a year ago.

I won't sit here and lie and act like its been all peachy. The guilt I had to get through to make the decision to cut him out was almost unbearable. I would think to myself, why in the world do you feel so guilty after all he made you go through when you were growing up? Well, he was still my dad. That didn't change anything. Even though he did everything he had in previous years I forgave him and wanted a relationship with him. I thought we had made progress but he fell into his old ways again and I couldn't be around it. Not just for me but for Jace, my son. I knew not what to do with my child. I broke the cycle. Who knows what the future holds for Jace and who knows how he will be when he gets older, but it was important for me to get the people out of his life that had negative connected to them. Maybe people think I am wrong for turning my back on my family. But, you have to remember, when a family is as dysfunctional as mine is, you kind of have no choice.

The only family that is regularly in our life is my brother, sister in law, sister, nieces and nephews. That is all I need and its all Jace needs. They love us unconditionally, they love us without wanting something from us. They just love us.

Every time I begin to let a guilty feeling into my mind, I have to think. What has any of these people done for me? When the answers are more negative than positive the guilt goes away. I don't NEED people, especially family to do anything for me. I am just stating that everything in my life with my family has been negative until I decided to put my foot down and stop it. I got to where I am on my own with help from no one. Maybe some people think I haven't done much with my life. Well, if you read my blog posts then you know where I came from and where I am now. I got out, I changed my life and path. I have broken the cycle of abuse for my family. I have been to countless hours of therapy, making that decision on my own so I can make better decisions for MY family, I've retrained my mind to turn negative energy into good, I have stopped my anger outburst since my father has been out of my life. I was becoming the same person he was. Bitter and angry for what I had to go through in my life. The endless physical abuse, the two molestations, the rape. All of it was affecting my outcome. I couldn't do that.

Anytime I have people in my life now which is mostly friends except my sister, brother, and their families I don't let their negativity bother me. I did, but that was something I had to work through as well. Cutting those people out was imperative to my inner well being. I don't cut them out to be some mean, rude, bitch. But, for my own insanity and not to subject my son to such madness.

I've had people take up for the one's who caused so many problems in my life. As a matter of fact I have one person on facebook who is friends with my rapist and they are a family member. Although, I have never said a name nor will I ever because I am through that, you would think they would know what kind of person this is. Oh well, if they want to be friends with this type of person then that is their business, but it won't be mine to keep them.

With all of this said, just because you choose to still have communication with this abusive person, my father, doesn't mean I have to. You know what he has done and was still doing yet you continue to let him in your life. So be it. Let him bring you down, he will eventually. As mean as I may be made out to be I really don't  care anymore. When people ask about my parents I let them know my parents are no longer with me. My mom has been gone (RIP) for over 6 years. I just tell people my dad is gone too. After all, I consider him just a sperm donor now as he put us/me through so much hell. He does not deserve the title of father or dad.

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