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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Letter 3-A Deceased person you wish you could talk to-To my mom.

Wow, where do I begin? First, let me just say that I miss you something awful. As I sit here writing this, even the first line I start to get teary eyed as I wish I could actually speak these words to you in person.  I never got the chance to tell you how much I appreciated the things you taught me. I thought we had more time. I have a lot of you in me. Denise tells me that all the time and I can also see it myself. I really didn’t pay too much attention to it before, but now I see it. I love the way that you loved and cared for others the way you did. It comes from deep within. It’s just something that comes natural-the way it did for you. I don’t take things for granted. Family means everything to me-the way that it did to you. I finally understand what it means to be a mother and love outside of yourself. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to most but I know you would understand what I’m saying. You taught me to be strong and independent.  Also, to think for myself and not follow the crowd no matter what was going on. You taught me that no matter what someone may have done to hurt you that you should always be the bigger person and walk away. But, you also taught me that if they kept doing it and were pushed to the max to kick some butt and ask questions later. Lol.
When I found out I was pregnant and you weren’t going to be here with me I was kind of sad. But, I was so so happy to be having a child. I never thought I would get to enjoy that part of life that most women do. As I went into my first ultrasound to find out how far along I was I was so nervous. I didn’t have a clue how far along I was or what I was going to have. I had hoped in the beginning to be having a little girl. I wanted to name her after you-to carry on your memory in her. I really didn’t expect to find out in my first appointment but come to find out I was already right at four months along. Oops. The lady asked me did I want to know the sex and of course I said yes. She then told me it was going to be a boy and I was so excited. She then asked me if I wanted to know the due date and I said yes. She told me Feb 28th. As I lay on the table weeping all I could think of was you. Steve hugged and kissed me (he understood why I started crying).  I wish you could have been there so bad. My due date was around the time you passed away and the day I found all of these things out was the day before your birthday. I do believe everything happened exactly the way it did because somehow you were letting me know that you may not have been there for me physically but you were there spiritually.
It has been a struggle for me not to have you here. I miss you so much and I know that if you were here you would be so in love with your grandson-Jace. He is a precious little boy and he would fall in love with you too! He loves everyone.
Thank you momma for all that you ever did for me and all that you were.  You were truly a wonderful mother. I love you and miss you. 
 Jace laying in a basket with a picture of you beside him. I will make sure when he is old enough to understand I will tell him about you(MiMi) and how great you were.


Amber Harwell said...

OH Sandy how beautiful this is. I dont know the pain of losing a mother but I know how it is to lose someone that was so close to you its hard to breathe sometimes. I love this absolutely love this

Sandy said...

Thank you Amber. It has not been easy at all. But, you learn to get up daily and feel blessed to carry on. It especially changed for me when Jace was born. I still miss her terribly but I can't be depressed all the time now cause I have someone else to think of. And, I have to show him what a happy life is and I have to show him what a good mother is-like I had.

letterlady said...

Sandy, your mother would be very proud of you. I'm sure she was; I'm sure she is. I'm sorry she can't be here for you and for Jace, but she shows you in many ways that she does see, and she is with you and she always wants the best for you and your baby boy. Great big hugs, Jan

Kristina said...

This is a BEAUTIFUL letter girl. You are a wonderful person and mother. I know she is/was so proud of you. I can not imagine what you feel but I do know the love you have for Jace. He will know MIMI as if she has always been around. I wish I was there with you, but even so I know there is only so much one can do to comfort you. Just know that Jace is a very lucky young man to have you as his mom. You are a wonderful person and its because of your mom. I love you girl!