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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Monday, July 26, 2010

Letter 2-To the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain....

I actually have several people that have caused extreme amounts of pain in my life. One of which has been truly forgiven, the rest-just completely ignored. I won’t name any names and I highly doubt if I did any of them would ever read this blog anyway. So you see, there is really no point.
This is mainly for the man that molested me; he did the most emotional damage. For a lot of years I blamed myself for what you did to me. Never knowing that I was too young to even know what was going on. You took advantage of the situation and of me. My mother trusted you and you betrayed her. Looking back on it now, I wish I had of told her-or someone. You wouldn’t have lived the great life that you have now. You wouldn’t be able to claim to be a minister in a church. You would have gotten what you deserved. You and your brother! It sickens me the way you and your brother preyed on little girls to molest and rape. Your brother got what he deserved and I hope every day while he rots in prison that he is getting the same thing he dealt out to his niece. I wish I could say the same for you. Maybe that sounds horrible of me. But, it’s my letter and its how I feel. You should never be allowed around children. You may be preaching at a church now, or whatever it is that you do, but I know what you did to me and you deserve to burn in hell for it. You caused me to lose all self respect and self esteem. I’ve struggled most of my life with poor self image and paranoia. Always afraid someone is waiting around the corner for me. Or, always afraid someone closest to me will harm me. Do you even know what that feels like? Of course not! I turned to drinking and drugs. I started self mutilating-trying to ease the emotional pain that you caused me. I was only 11 when you did those things to me! How could you harm a little girl’s innocence like that? How could you live with yourself after the fact? How could you/do you sleep at night. I also blame you for me being raped a few years later also. Yea, maybe you didn’t do the crime but you helped by sending me into a whirlwind of drugs and alcohol at such a young age. You caused my poor self image. You broke me. The rape doesn’t bother me nearly as bad as what you did to me. You were supposed to be a close friend/family. But, instead of being another protector you decided to be the opposite. I used to read the obituaries daily hoping that you were dead. Hoping that maybe-just maybe when you died that the mental hell I was going through would all end.  I’ve learned recently that you are still alive and well.  That doesn’t bother me. I know some people believe that if you forgive someone that you can let it go. Well I haven’t forgiven you and probably never will but I have let it go. And, no I do not believe in forgiving for things like that. So yes, it still angers me and I’m sure it always will but I don’t dwell on it any longer. I now have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. You no longer have control over my life and never will again. I just hope that no other young lady has fallen victim to you and if there has been I hope they have been able to find peace again also.


Kristina said...

I am so darn proud of you for writing this. This took a lot of courage and you got through it. i hope you feel much better now that it is out and in the open. YOu have come so far in your life and I know that everything that happened has made you the person you are now. A MOTHER and a wonderful Girlfriend and the BESTEST FRIEND EVER> I love you and again I am so proud of how far you have come you have happinest and NO ONE can take that from you!!!

Sandy said...

Thank you so much Kristina. I thought that it was going to be harder to write than it actually was. But, after I got started it was pretty easy. Its just how I felt/feel. Its great knowing I got it out there and I feel so much better. Its like a huge burden was lifted. There are really no words to describe to "free" feeling that I get from this. Love you girl.

letterlady said...

Sandy, they could and should still be prosecuted, I guess, though I certainly understand if it's something you'd rather not go through. Know that they will pay one way or another. Not enough, never enough, but they won't skip through this life and into the next without facing what they've been.