The other night thoughts crept into my mind. My OCD is getting to me. I haven't been on meds for it for about a month now. They didn't work. Well, they did work but not without some side effects that I just couldn't handle. Such as, falling asleep all day long. I would be sitting there one minute and the next thing I knew Jace would be screaming in my ear. I immediately took myself off of them. That's dangerous. So they tried me on several other medications all of which did the same thing or didn't work at all. I do have an appt soon with a different doctor so I am hoping for better results.
When I was lying in bed the other night I was sitting over there listening to Steve sleep and I got so angry. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and go to sleep like every one else. But nope! I have to deal with these issues, thoughts, and worry about every thing in the world that I can't help. The other night I thought about my mom. When I say I thought about her I don't just mean the "normal" person thinking about their dead parent. I mean I thought of it all. All the events leading up to her getting sick, the phone call I had with her two days before she went into cardiac arrest, the coma, her coding when I was in the room with her, my running for dear life and trying to get out of the ICU doors, my anger. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn't get any of these thoughts out of my head. I tried and tried to think of other things. I tried to think happy thoughts but I just couldn't. It wouldn't go away.
So that is the story of my life right now until I can see this new doctor. Sleepless nights, early mornings, and busy days. I'm managing though. Although I would like it all to just go away, I know that it won't. But I will get past this as I have gotten past all the other things that has been wrong in my life. I just need time, a new doc, and some new meds.