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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Thursday, July 26, 2012

As I lay in bed

The other night thoughts crept into my mind. My OCD is getting to me. I haven't been on meds for it for about a month now. They didn't work. Well, they did work but not without some side effects that I just couldn't handle. Such as, falling asleep all day long. I would be sitting there one minute and the next thing I knew Jace would be screaming in my ear. I immediately took myself off of them. That's dangerous. So they tried me on several other medications all of which did the same thing or didn't work at all. I do have an appt soon with a different doctor so I am hoping for better results.

When I was lying in bed the other night I was sitting over there listening to Steve sleep and I got so angry. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and go to sleep like every one else. But nope! I have to deal with these issues, thoughts, and worry about every thing in the world that I can't help. The other night I thought about my mom. When I say I thought about her I don't just mean the "normal" person thinking about their dead parent. I mean I thought of it all. All the events leading up to her getting sick, the phone call I had with her two days before she went into cardiac arrest, the coma, her coding when I was in the room with her, my running for dear life and trying to get out of the ICU doors, my anger. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn't get any of these thoughts out of my head. I tried and tried to think of other things. I tried to think happy thoughts but I just couldn't. It wouldn't go away.

So that is the story of my life right now until I can see this new doctor. Sleepless nights, early mornings, and busy days. I'm managing though. Although I would like it all to just go away, I know that it won't. But I will get past this as I have gotten past all the other things that has been wrong in my life. I just need time, a new doc, and some new meds.


Maggie LaHaye said...

I hope it gets better soon Hun! I often think of all the things leading up to my Daddy's passing and can't get them out of my mind and when trying to go to sleep is the worst for an insomniac with a mind that won't shut down

letterlady said...

It wouldn't be easy, but I don't think it would be quite as hard had your mother not been taken from you the way she was. Incompetence and neglect by the medical people who should have been saving her life - which wouldn't have been in a life or death situation otherwise - makes it all so much harder, I think. When you get these thoughts try to think of her being the one helping you get your life in good order. Maybe it's something bigger than you helping you find happiness now, and that could be your angel mother. You know she is still with you, still in your heart. She is happy for you and is proud of Jace. All you can do is try to live your life in a way that will honor that. Big hugs.