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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Monday, July 30, 2012

Things remembered.

There are so many heartbreaking stories from my childhood. Its crazy because sometimes I look back and think that couldn't have possibly been me. When did I become such a strong person and able to survive and thrive in this cruel world? How could my dad be the way he was? I mean I know he didn't have the best childhood either and his dad was abusive, but he could have broken the cycle like I did but he chose not too. He still chooses not to.

When my sister was pregnant with her first child (a biracial baby) and my mom was married again (to a black man) our dad refused to let us see them for years. Yet he would leave us at home all of the time by ourselves with no food to eat, no TV, no games, nothing. He took every thing out of this house because it was evil. This was on one of his religious kicks. It was ridiculous how prejudice he was/is about mixing races. So bad that he wouldn't allow us to see our own mom and sister. Knowing good and well he wasn't taking care of us and had our mom knew she would have done something about it. Of course she didn't know because every time she tried to come around he would threaten to her and her husband. He actually chased them down once because they drove past our house trying to see us. He literally passed them in the road, stopped dead still in the middle of the road, cursing and screaming at my mom and busted her windshield with his fist. She went to the cops and he ran of course. He had a warrant for years but they knew exactly were he was and could have gotten him, but they didn't.

He was with a certain woman during these times. She was all high and mighty religious and so were her parents. I get that people believe in different things. I really do. But, does that mean you keep your kids from a parent or sibling just because they are choosing to be with someone of another race? Do you disown them? NO!

Anyway, during all of this time my dad was preaching one thing and doing a totally different thing. In his beliefs and the teachings he gathered from his church he believed in spanking. A quote he always said "spare the rod, spoil the child." Ok. I can get that if your religious. But, he didn't just spank us. He beat us. There is a huge difference there. I never got the beatings my brother and sister got. Grant it I got my fair share but never as many as they did. I remember so many times when my brother and dad would fight. My brother was so angry and he had every right to be. He was practically a stand in dad to me (even though he is just a year and a few months older). He had to find ways to feed us and he protected me from him in his own way. I remember once my dad choke slamming my brother to the floor and just beating him in the face because he was mad. He frequently got mad at his girlfriend and when he did he took it out on us when he was home. He would tell us to do something and we could ask a harmless question and it was over. Time to get the leather belt out and he would start swinging it where ever he could hit us. I remember when I was a bit younger (before I started cooking) he asked me to get down a pack of frozen pork chops to thaw out. I asked him which ones where the pork chops. He had a cast iron skillet in his hands and almost threw it at me he was so mad. I flinched and tried to duck. He didn't throw it but when he got the pork chops out of the freezer he hit me with them over and over again.

He was an angry man my entire life, he still is obviously and he won't ever get over his problems with women and his children. It was one thing to treat us the way he did and abandon us all those times but its another thing when he does our kids like that. He will never know my son. That ship has sailed. I gave him plenty of opportunity. He had almost 2 years to prove himself different and he couldn't even do that. He up and married a woman that no one knows. All of his conversations were monitored by her. He had to have it on speaker for every conversation but the last straw was in December. I haven't spoken to him since and won't ever again.  He's nothing to me. He's nothing to my son. Jace has his Poppy and that's all he needs. He loves Jace enough. My dad may have abandoned me and abused me but he will not get the chance to do my son like that. And, I refuse to have a man in my life that treats no one with respect especially his family.

There are way more stories to tell about my childhood and I will get back to all of them a little at a time. After all that is part of my healing process. Thank you all to the one's of you who read my stories because it really does help me. My therapist says "A burden shared is a burden cut in half" and "talk it to death." So in the end there will be nothing else left to talk about.

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