I have to write this down. If not its going to eat away at me and well, I just can't have that to be honest. I won't let him run me anymore. I won't let his lies and deceit affect my behavior anymore. So with this letter, I am letting go. Once again. Who knows if I will actually send it. I have people telling me I should and others telling me I shouldn't.
I am writing this letter to you to clear up some things that I believe have been over looked. First, I guess I will respond to the most recent incidences since you don't seem to get it. You say that you have no idea why I am not talking to you. Hmmm, look around. Maybe you will figure it our. Oh wait, no you won't because you can never admit to any wrong doings. But, we will get to that later. When you got married I was so happy for you. I was happy you moved on and found someone you loved and that loved you back. I supported you 100 % and you know this as I told you this from the get go. I told you how happy I was with you. It started getting a little weird for me when every single time I called or you called, you had to have the phone on speaker so your new wife could hear our conversations. That is very odd to me. No one has to listen to every phone call unless they are jealous of something. I let that go though because I wanted to keep my relationship with the only parent I had left. The next thing that happened was Steve asked me to marry him. You had been waiting on this for so long. You loved Steve and was happy for us before but I guess you were wrapped up in your own happiness to be happy for you own kid. When we set a date and I asked you to walk me down the isle your exact words were "You want me to walk you down the isle for SECOND marriage?" Of course I did. I wanted everything to be right this time as the last time 2 months after my marriage momma died. This is why I planned it for Mississippi. So YOU could be there and be a real father and walk your daughter down the isle to marry her soul mate. But, you couldn't do that now could you?! You had to question everything. You said you couldn't leave your wife's mentally challenged brother and mother behind. That's fine. You could have came yourself. I even said that and you said you couldn't leave your precious wife. I mean was she really going to be that bent out of shape for you to come to YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS WEDDING!!!!!!!! It was just another excuse for you not to be there for me at a time in my life where I wanted you there, like always. So, instead of sending you an invite I asked my brother to walk me down the isle and fill that spot as he is the one who took care of me while you were off with all those whores for weeks at a time. With no money, and no food to eat.
That brings me to my second point. When you took us from our mother because she was dated a black man you said it was better for us this way. So that she didn't rub her "lifestyle" off on us. Then when you brought us home I was 12 and Charlie was 13. You didn't give a crap about what happened to us. You didn't even stick around long enough to see the issues I was having after being molested. Which you later admitted (when I was 23) that you knew something like that happened to me. Yet, you do absolutely nothing! You continued to leave Charlie and I at home alone with no money or food while you where off with your whores and partying around but yet wanted us to be good Christian role models. Took our TV, radio, cards, and everything away. We had NOTHING! Because of you! During this time I was raped. Guess what, Bobby? That would not have happened if you had of been home taking care of your kids like you should have been! You took us from our mother acting like you could protect us better, but instead you left us worse off than we were. And, don't even get me started on the whole claiming to be a child of God. You claimed all of this, yet left us, abandoned us, smoked pot, got drunk, went to jail, and all during this time. Instead of being the father you were supposed to be, you were nothing more to us than someone we were terrified of when you were home and not boozing it up.
After years of doing this to us you finally settled down with a woman. I don't have to say who, you know who I am talking about. Which by the way took 3 more years away from our mom because she believed that we shouldn't see our mom because she was married to a black man and in God's eyes that was wrong and we shouldn't be subjected to that. But, what the hell did she have to do with it. Looking at it now, look at her kid. How bad is he? 10 times worse than we ever were. Yea, that's what her thinking gets you. Yet, you took her word and took us away and kept us away for a damn woman. From a woman that used you to do her handy work that she didn't know how to do. For a woman that refused to marry you again. For a woman that refused to sleep in a bed next to you. This is what you did. For another WOMAN. See a pattern here yet?
During all of this time, I cut myself, I tried to kill myself, I had sex to get attention. What was the point in saving myself. I was fucking raped for crying out loud because you weren't there!!!!!!!!! Really, tell me. What was the damn point? There was none. I had wished so many times that you were right when momma had me at the hospital and you claimed I was not your child. I hoped and hoped that and when I believed I even prayed you weren't my dad. I prayed it was a mistake. That way I could cut ties and be done with you. But, unfortunately for me. You are the person who gave your sperm so I could be born.
I am so glad to be a part of this wonderful world but you will never hear me refer to you as my dad or my father. You are not that to me as you have never been one. Not only to me but your THREE other kids as well. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned that I will NEVER subject my son to someone such as yourself who only comes and goes at their convenience and that I will NEVER be the type of parent you were. After all, you weren't one. Even when you tried you failed miserably. Maybe it is because its how you were raised as well. But, we all have a chance to change and break the cycle. You didn't even try to do that. I have broken the cycle and for this reason I wish to no longer speak with you or have any other communication with you. With the help of my therapist I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer have either of my parents. I miss momma like crazy and wish she was still here but there is nothing I can do about that. I can't say that I miss you because if I did I would be lying. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of the next time you might snap. I don't have to worry about that any longer. You are no longer welcomed in my life or my families life.
***Sorry so long guys. I just had to get it out. Even if I never send it. It had to be said. Thanks for reading. I love all of you that take interest in reading my blogs and supporting me through this life journey.