As we were driving down the road today to our friends house and Jace was singing to the music I had playing, I realized just how lucky I am.
I have the absolute best husband in the world first off. Its like he knows when I am hurting even when I don't show it or act like anything is wrong. Just like the other night after the very mad blog I wrote. I was showing no emotion. For all he knew I was over here facebooking. I was clearly upset but hiding it the best I could. I didn't do a good job. After posting the blog. I left from the computer room, went to the bathroom on the verge of a panic attack and crying my eyes out. He came and knocked on the door. He asked me if everything was ok and I answered yes, I'm fine. Trying not to let him notice I had been crying. He sensed it anyway and came in. He walked in with my eyes blood shot from crying and not being able to breathe. I told him I was just so mad. That if my dad was in front of me I put my nose to his and scream to the top of my lungs at him all that I was feeling and slap him. It was like I was another person. I haven't been angry in a long. When I say angry, angry is a whole different way for me than most people. I get to the point of blacking out if I get so mad. In fact, when I was in high school I blacked out on a girl after she said some things and hit my brother and I had no idea what I was doing. When I came to, I was on top of her bashing her head on the concrete. That is not the person I am nor the person I want to be anymore. It has taken me years to manage the anger I have. All of that stems from my dad, of course. Just imagine this if you will. You watch your mom and dad fight daily. Not just words or fists. Guns, bricks, boards, breakables, vehicles, belts, etc. Then you get dealt some of the same things but can't fight back because if you do it will be even worse. But, listening to the same man tell me that crying is a sign of weakness, if I cried he would give me more. If I showed any emotion he would give me more. I was considered weak, so I fought. I fought as much as I could. Some I started. Some I didn't. I was MAD. I hated my life. I hated my dad. I hated everyone. I really do try not to even get a little mad because I know where it could lead. But, when it comes to my dad I want to deal him every thing he has ever dealt my mother, my sister, my brother, and myself. He deserves to hurt mentally and physically for the years of suffering he put us all through.
Anyway, my point was. Steve and I are so connected that he knew something was wrong. He knew to come and check on me. When I finally looked up into his beautiful eyes he had so much hurt in them. He was hurting for me, I knew he was. He didn't know what to say as he never has been through the things I have. This man of mine is amazing though and I am thankful that he chose me as his wife. I cannot imagine a life without him in it.
Then there is Jace. My sweet little guy. He is the funniest little thing with all the personality in the world. He does something all of the time to amaze me. I am so very thankful that I was able to be a stay at home mom to him for so long. Most people don't get that opportunity. He has been the person that has changed my life completely. He was found out about during a weird time in our lives. Steve was in school full time and working full time. I was working full time. I still had a ton of baggage from my moms untimely death. And, lots of it. Was going through court proceedings with the hospital that killed her. I didn't know what I was going to do. But, I knew one thing for sure. This child of mine that had been growing in me already for 4 months was the biggest miracle that has ever happened to me. Wasn't supposed to be able to have a child. Then I found out how far along I was and his gender on my moms birthday. I just lay on the table crying my eyes out when I heard his little heart beat. I felt like my mom was there with us and looking over me. I know, it sounds weird. But it was so many coincidences. Like I find all this out on her birthday and then the lady tells me when my due date is. It was on my moms death date. It was sure sign from her, I still believe that. Although I didn't have him then. He was late. I am glad it was a different day. The night I delivered I didn't hear him cry and they didn't let me hold him for a bit. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was not breathing. Luckily, here we are today with an almost three year old. I cannot explain the feelings I had when I heard him cry and I got to hold him for the very first time. A baby. A baby that grew inside of me for 9 months. A miracle already in itself. But, now my miraculous baby that overcame so many odds that were stacked against him. I love that boy with my whole heart.
For my family. Gosh, we have been through so much together. We have been at extreme lows and extreme highs. For my brother. Wow, I don't know where to start. We fought so much growing up. I hated you, I resented you. I didn't understand you. For all the times you beat me up, pulled guns and knifes on me I couldn't understand why a brother would do that. I finally realized you were just as angry at the world as I was. For years we didn't speak. I vowed to never speak to you again that last time we fought. Then some happened. The best thing that could have ever happened. You apologized to me for you did and said you shouldn't have done that. You had never apologized to me for anything before. I forgave you. We moved passed it and look at us now. Never before had we had actual conversations. I never knew when you were going to blow a fuse. Now we have the best conversations, we actually talk to one another and listen to the other. You walked me down the isle because you said it was your place as I was your baby girl. Its true. I was. You are the one who took care of me when daddy ran out on us. It was just the two of us. You quite school in the 7th grade to get a job to buy us food. There is no way I could ever re-pay you for what you did or for being here for me now and being the best brother I could have. Our relationship means the world to me and I never want to lose what we have now. I love you so much.
My sister and I had always been close. She was my big sister. The one I went to in the middle of the night when I heard momma and daddy fighting. She would hold me close and cover my ears and tell me that someday every thing would be ok. That we wouldn't have to hear it anymore and that momma would be ok. If only we knew how things would turn out. *sigh*. My sister left in the middle of the night when she was 18. I woke up in the middle of the night cold and looked around. I didn't see her anywhere and our bedroom window was opened. I went and closed it and went back to bed and cried. I knew she left but I wasn't going to tell my parents. They would have found her. I wanted her to get out but I wanted her to stay to protect me. I couldn't have both so I just learned to deal. I'm glad for the times she was there for me to help me through the bad times. I couldn't have gotten through them. I was too young. I shouldn't have known what was going on but I did, unfortunately. I had to grow up and mature way too fast. But, she was there for me when she could be and I am so thankful for that. I love you so much.
Friends. What would I do without some of them. I can truly say I have some of the best friends in the world. New and old. I love you all. For those close enough to me you know that means it. I may not talk to you all each day but you all know I love you all dearly. I am glad to know I have friends that are there for me (in good times and bad). You guys really don't get enough credit for helping keep be sane sometimes and helping talk me through things. You all know exactly who you are and with out your friendships I would be heartbroken. Just know I very thankful for all of you and love you all so much.
Sorry if some of this seems random or I totally got off subject a few times. You all know how random I am by now. Ha.