You never know

As I sat in my therapy session the other day, my therapist asked me the usual how are have you been question. Then, how were the holidays.Of course it was all fine. I had a fantastic Christmas and New Year.

I then told her about my dad trying to call and it triggering all kinds of emotions. I told her about the letter and what I wrote. I told her I had been waiting for my session to get her advice on sending it or not. Turns out I had the answer all along, I just needed an outside source to get it out of me. I also told her of the Christmas cards he sent a couple of weeks after the call with him saying he wishes I would talk to him or tell him why I won't talk to him any longer. She was about as unimpressed with it as I was when I received it. Its a pattern. He does it every time. He is trying to get in my head now and make me feel guilty for not speaking to him. It almost worked as I told her. I've had several break downs over the whole ordeal. Thinking that what I have done is wrong, distancing myself from my own father was somehow wrong. I have to eventually get over these feelings. I will, I know I will. It just takes time and I know I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, I am just protecting myself and my family from the usual behaviors of my dad. I just know he cannot be accepted into my life again. Even when we were "ok" I was still afraid of him. Afraid of when he might snap. Do any of you know what that feels like. It feels pretty shitty to be honest. Its like you can't be around someone because you are literally afraid of what they might do and afraid they may snap. What kind of mother would I be if I let my son around someone that could be so hostile. I know how he can be, he raised me. I won't tolerate it.

So, for those of you dying to know if I sent the letter to him or not. I did not. I decided the best bet (even though I was pissed beyond words) would be not to send it. Why? Well, he never listens anyway. What good is it going to do me to send him that letter. All he would do is deny, deny, deny he ever did anything. That is another thing he always does. Just like he told my brother last year that he never beat me 4 days before my birthday where I had blood coming out from pretty much anywhere. He told my brother "I don't know where y'all get this stuff from"? He pretty much called me a liar but joked about the situation on many occasions saying things like "bet you won't talk back again." By the way I just told him that day he wasn't going to beat me with that belt because I hadn't done anything. He did anyway, but I fought back for the first time in my life, that day. Anyway, getting off topic here. He just lies about everything. If I sent the letter he would say I was lying. It would go in one ear and out the other. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't change him. We couldn't mend our relationship. What would be the point? It wouldn't be one. I'd be wasting an envelope and a stamp on someone who really doesn't give a crap about his family. He proved that again a couple of weeks ago.

I also learned in my therapy session the other day that every single time there is contact between the two of us, I have major melt downs. I can't handle it because everything in my past always comes back. It doesn't matter how many times I forgive him or the men who sexually abused me, it always comes back. I associate everything bad that happened to me, with him. And, it is his fault. Had he been there like he should of been I wouldn't have been sexually abuses by 3 different men. Had he been a real man and father he wouldn't have abused my mom and his kids like he did. You always have a chance to change the way you were raised and turn it around. He chose not to, so I choose not to be in his life.

It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. Like I said above and have said on several occasions I have felt guilty and I am sure I will again. In the end though, I know I am making the right decision to keep him out and away from me. After all, I can't go around have major breakdowns all the time if he were in my life. I want to be normal and feel normal. The only way I can do that is to keep him out.