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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Monday, February 4, 2013

The many faces.....

 I am happy with my life. Let me start by saying that. The name of this blog post comes from the many faces that I show. You would never know if I didn't tell you that I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I can tell you, its not a fun roller coaster to be on. I have to try harder than the average person to be "normal" on a day to day basis. Its hard. Then, one little thing can tear you down and tear you to shreds. Not ever knowing that something is sneaking up on you. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well. I had nightmares practically all night. Woke up several times and checked on Jace because I thought something was going to happen to him. My mind races and then wonders, and then thinks something is going to happen. It was my day to sleep in today. I didn't do much sleeping back there laying in bed. I cried mostly. I cried thinking about something happening to Jace or something happening to my family. When I finally managed to crawl out of bed (I don't feel good anyway, I'm sick), I just felt all out of sorts. I was on the verge of tears all night. Even when a coworker asked me how I was doing I almost burst into tears. I later had to take a pause from photo calls and go the restroom and cry my eyes out again. When I got home. I hid away a few times and cried some more. I'd be lying if I said I weren't right now. I can't help it. I know people have more issues and worse issues than I do, I know that. I am not feeling sorry for myself at all. But, this shit just isn't right. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit if my dad would have given two shits about his kids but he didn't. I know I am not him, I know I act nothing like him. But just being bred by him disgusts me. Being raised by him disgusts me. Maybe when he is dead and no longer on this earth it will help some of these feelings. Maybe it won't. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

I also fell like I carry or I must carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to do things for everyone and be there for everyone and some of my friends jut don't get it. I can't always be there. I have a family and I have a life too. I am sorry that I can't be up your ass 24/7 but I just can't. I love my friends (a very few of them) like my family, but just because we don't always talk doesn't mean I don't think of you.

I am beyond stressed right now. Still not promised a job with St. Jude. Waiting on a final decision from Memphis, Steve cannot find a job, Jace is potty training one day and the next he is peeing every where, I don't make enough money, I can't afford the bills, Steve is working on his Masters while he can't find a job. Its just all so over whelming. Its killing me. I feel like I am just going to snap on someone one day (not the kinda snap you see on TV, I'm not that damn crazy. I just need some me time. I need some time alone. I need to not worry about everything. I need to keep my mind focused on work and my family but I can't. Not having all the fucked up shit that is wrong with me. The medication I guess doesn't help with that. And, please for Pete's sake don't anyone try to give advice because the last time I checked I don't have any doctors on my damn friends list. I exercise. I've tried meditation. I can get enough sleep. I take medication. I go to therapy. I AM TRYING!

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