Today was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take.
Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have).
I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family.
Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had.
Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me.
As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know.
The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br="">