Therapy with Steve

Today was the day I brought Steve to therapy with me. It went well and he's glad he went. He had no idea the demons I was fighting within myself. Well, the demons I continue to fight. I honestly don't see how I function on a daily basis with all the baggage I have. It's been a hellava month or so. As I told my therapist, I feel I am at my breaking point and I really don't know how much more I can take.

Like we've talking about, it's hard to build someone up when all they've ever gotten was pushed down. No bragging. No telling of the proudness you have for your child, never telling your child they are beautiful and needed and wanted. Steve and I talked about it some on the way home. He said he hadn't realized it was that bad because I am great at hiding things. He said he needed to make more of an effort to help build me up. I told him it was going to be hard to build a grown women up after all I've heard was negativity about myself. Even when words weren't used and I was abandoned as a child, that makes you feel unworthy of love. Makes you more afraid that people are going to walk out on you. Makes you more vigilant of your surroundings (which causes the terrible visions I sometimes have).

I've also felt for a while that I am always there for friends when they need me. And genuinely there for them because I want to be. Then, when I need help or a support structure around me, I can't find but a single person or two that helps me. It makes you feel pretty shitty and it also makes you realize that your only a friend to someone when THEY NEED YOU. I guess that's life though. That's what happens. I'm the care taker of everyone and that's a big burden to carry. As mean and hateful as it sounds I have to start working on myself more and taking care of myself more than worrying about everyone else. I have to, for me, for my family.

Today I cried so much in therapy, not because I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me but I have some issues I need to deal with. I thought they were gone but they keep coming. I need to feel like I am good enough, that I deserve the family and life I have, that I am pretty enough, and I have people who are proud of the tiny accomplishments I've had.

Steve was a very active participant today during my session. I am so glad he was there to see the raw side of me that I usually keep hidden away. He was able to better understand the things I am going through and why I feel the way that I do about certain things. I love him and he's truly my best friend and best husband in the world. Even with all the ugliness I laid on the table and the pure rawness I let out, he held my hand the entire time, told me he loved me, held me, and kissed me.

As most of you know I made a post about me taking a break from Facebook today. I think it's for the best right now because I have some negativity that I need to rid myself of and I can't do it and stay on facebook. If I did, it would be all wrong. For those that have been there for me lately. I love you guys. Thank you so much. It's been more appreciated than you know.

The image displayed is what I came home to tonight from my wonderful husband <3 br="">

Been debating writing about this.

I've had some serious anxiety over writing this blog and and posting it for the world to see. But, after all the purpose for me continuing was for the world to see what's its like living with all these things that are wrong with me. Please do not judge me. I was in a bad spot and I don't need anyone preaching to me.

Monday I was in a very bad spot. I don't know what happened or came over me. I guess it was part of the disease I have. I don't really know. It was my day to sleep in. I stayed in bed until 12:45 PM. I wasn't sleeping though. I was wide awake and had barely slept Sunday night. I have this weird thing where I have visions of things happening. I haven't had this happen in a long time though. I've had a few nightmares but no visions. I visioned I was working and my supervisor tells me I need to call home immediately. I log off of my computer and call Steve. When I called, Steve told me I needed to get home right away. Jace choked on something and he wasn't breathing, that the paramedics where there. I left everything at my desk and ran as fast as I could to my car, drove as fast as I could to my house. When I got here, there were firetrucks and ambulances. They told me "ma'am me did everything we could to revive him". His throat was even split from them trying to get whatever was in there out. My son was gone. Never to come back again. I lost it. I really, really lost. it.

Even though this did not happen. In my mind it felt real and I had a feeling it was going to happen. I event made sure to remind Steve when I left to make sure he watched him close when I left for work that day. My co-worker tried to say hi and talk to me and I just started crying. I kept crying in my cubicle. I had to keep going to the restroom because I kept crying. I thought something was going to happen to my son.

On my way home. I pulled over in a secluded area. Just to think and try to cry it out. Even though it was just a vision it was so real to me. Sitting there in my car, I had my medication with me. I thought about swallowing it all. I wanted to. Was very tempted. Because rationalizing this in my mind, I just knew something was going to happen to Jace and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a calmness come over me. Like I couldn't hear anything. Not even the sound of my breathing. I was ready to go, I wanted to go. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. The PTSD, OCD, GAD, and now found out I have depression in addition. I just wanted it all to end But, he was still here. I saw that beautiful photo my friend, Laura took of  Jace on my phone screen as I checked it and I drove home. I came home and gave him the tightest squeeze and the biggest kiss.

Let me say this. I've always thought this. I think when you have kids especially that suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. But, now I can understand why some people do choose to end their lives that deal with some of the same issues as I do.

I could not bear to leave my son motherless. After all, look at all the issues I have had with my own mom's death and I didn't lose her until I was 22. I would have left behind an almost 3 year old. I had a lot of guilt over this as well. That's what got me the 2nd and 3rd day. I saw my therapist on the 3rd day. Didn't tell Steve until the 2nd day and as I told him, he had tears in his eyes, not knowing what to do or say to ease my pain. As I was still in the midst of my crisis. I later asked him if he would just go to one therapy session with me to listen in. He didn't have to talk because we don't need therapy. We are good in our relationship. I just need him to know how to handle me and learn about the diseases I have. He agreed in a heartbeat and I knew right then and there he was in like he said, for better or worse.

I had my therapy session on the 3rd day which was Wednesday and of course I still had a ton of guilt over wanting to rid myself knowing that I have child that loves me very much and vice versa. I cried most of the session. Was afraid that they were going to think I was crazy and send me away. Was afraid if I told anyone they would say something. It was just the fear of people judging me and thinking bad of me. I had a bad moment. Not a bad life. Even though I have over come so much, I will still have issues. Always will have some issue. And, that is the way it is with these diseases. Thankfully, my Therapist had me call the nurse right then and let her know what was going on so they could put me on something for the depression since she said that is what I am going through. I have a ton going on and am super stressed all the time right now.

Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I have been lately. My anger issues are out of control. I told my therapist I just can't get a handle on it. I haven't been mean to Steve or Jace or Family but if someone crossed me and pissed me off just right I would just snap on them and not even care. I've tried a lot of things to control this. I am currently working with her to work on this as well.

I assure you all I am fine now, except the anger part ;)

Let me tell you, I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Kristin Hix, she is fabulous. I cannot believe how much our friendship has grown in the amount of time we have known one another. I really do consider her a great friend and she was there for me through this whole thing. I felt like she was the only one who would be able to understand what I was going through. She did too and was able to talk to be and talk me through certain things. Not going into to much detail as her story is hers to tell on her own but she has had her fair share of issues so she kind of knew exactly what I was going through and feeling. I love you girl. I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you in my life and to have our friendship. You are a gem of a friend and I am glad I found you.

The many faces.....

 I am happy with my life. Let me start by saying that. The name of this blog post comes from the many faces that I show. You would never know if I didn't tell you that I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I can tell you, its not a fun roller coaster to be on. I have to try harder than the average person to be "normal" on a day to day basis. Its hard. Then, one little thing can tear you down and tear you to shreds. Not ever knowing that something is sneaking up on you. Today was a rough day. I didn't sleep well. I had nightmares practically all night. Woke up several times and checked on Jace because I thought something was going to happen to him. My mind races and then wonders, and then thinks something is going to happen. It was my day to sleep in today. I didn't do much sleeping back there laying in bed. I cried mostly. I cried thinking about something happening to Jace or something happening to my family. When I finally managed to crawl out of bed (I don't feel good anyway, I'm sick), I just felt all out of sorts. I was on the verge of tears all night. Even when a coworker asked me how I was doing I almost burst into tears. I later had to take a pause from photo calls and go the restroom and cry my eyes out again. When I got home. I hid away a few times and cried some more. I'd be lying if I said I weren't right now. I can't help it. I know people have more issues and worse issues than I do, I know that. I am not feeling sorry for myself at all. But, this shit just isn't right. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit if my dad would have given two shits about his kids but he didn't. I know I am not him, I know I act nothing like him. But just being bred by him disgusts me. Being raised by him disgusts me. Maybe when he is dead and no longer on this earth it will help some of these feelings. Maybe it won't. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.

I also fell like I carry or I must carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to do things for everyone and be there for everyone and some of my friends jut don't get it. I can't always be there. I have a family and I have a life too. I am sorry that I can't be up your ass 24/7 but I just can't. I love my friends (a very few of them) like my family, but just because we don't always talk doesn't mean I don't think of you.

I am beyond stressed right now. Still not promised a job with St. Jude. Waiting on a final decision from Memphis, Steve cannot find a job, Jace is potty training one day and the next he is peeing every where, I don't make enough money, I can't afford the bills, Steve is working on his Masters while he can't find a job. Its just all so over whelming. Its killing me. I feel like I am just going to snap on someone one day (not the kinda snap you see on TV, I'm not that damn crazy. I just need some me time. I need some time alone. I need to not worry about everything. I need to keep my mind focused on work and my family but I can't. Not having all the fucked up shit that is wrong with me. The medication I guess doesn't help with that. And, please for Pete's sake don't anyone try to give advice because the last time I checked I don't have any doctors on my damn friends list. I exercise. I've tried meditation. I can get enough sleep. I take medication. I go to therapy. I AM TRYING!