Insomnia

Insomnia and migraines have taken over my life the past three days. I'm sure it has something to do with me not getting the job I so desperately wanted. And, of course, the anxiety that goes along with feeling like a failure and not being good enough for a job. It really sucks the emotional toll that can take on one's self esteem. Oh well, gotta let it go and move on to see if I can find something else. It's just so frustrating. It's like you want to help provide for your family and you can't. It's just not happening. I know it will take time but its been long enough already. I'm ready to be ahead and on top again.

I mean everything isn't bad. Steve supports me and was there when I just broke down about not getting the job.  It just took me back to feeling like a failure and that I was not good enough. I know in time I will find a job and one that I love but in the mean time this shit really blows. 

The migraines are taking a toll. No sleeping, no appetite, face and jaw hurting all day. Will it end? Will there be a light at the end of the tunnel? I sure as hell hope so. 

Peace. 

Thoughts, mind racing...

Thoughts continue to creep into my mind. I'm feeling like I am sinking again. I know I'm not. Let me reiterate, I am more than happy about my family life with the family I still talk too, I'm happy with my husband (he's pretty much the best and my backbone), and my happy go lucky son. Although, it had been rough lately. He's been a bit of a beast. Just disobeying in general and not listening to a word we say. Am I not doing it right? I feel like I have tried everything and it still doesn't work. He has an outgoing personality and plays to the beat of his own drum. I don't know what to do. For the most part he is the sweetest, most loving child with tons of personality but he has these moments or days when he refuses to listen to anything we say. So, continuous time outs. Then, I feel guilty and feel like I'm not doing the right thing.

Anyway, other than that I am so super stressed about getting this job. I would love to hurry and know something, either way so I can go from there. I know I need a job. These days both parents need to work. We want a bigger house, we want a great new SUV, we want to both be stable in jobs. We want to take Jace on so many adventures. Then the bomb drops on me yesterday. Steve finds out his job could end sooner than we originally were told which was September 1st. Now, it's the end of July with them saying "it might be extended." This means absolutely shit to me. It either is or it isn't. Either way, I want a job. I really do but now I feel even more stressed knowing Steve's job could end at any time. This shit literally sucks. Now we must wait, wait, wait. The both of us. 

We would absolutely love to have another child. But, gosh. It doesn't seem to be in the works for us. We are both getting older. We can't find good, stable jobs, we obviously would need a bigger house as stated before but I cannot imagine bringing another child in the world without being prepared this time and being in a good spot in careers and actually being able to take care of them ourselves without the "system." It's frustrating. Who even knows if I can have another child? I don't, the doctors don't. But, I can't get the care I need without insurance. I can't go through testing for it or even get rid of the things that are wrong with me now because let's face it, we can't afford it. 

Oh well, I guess for now we must wait....