Self Esteem

A friend of mine and I were talking about my very low self esteem the other day. They tell me how beautiful I am a lot or how pretty I am. I won't say who it is or if its a guy or girl friend. For their privacy reason's. I will never tell a name unless they give me permission. I do though, I think I am one of the most ugliest people in the world. The reason? I was made to feel this way. Why wouldn't I feel this way. My dad made me feel like I wasn't special enough to be around, he still does by the way. I never felt I was pretty enough to date the good looking guys until I met Steve. I felt I didn't stand a chance to "the hot guys" who had the whole package and the looks. And, I was right. I didn't. I never got the guy. I was teased in school for my teeth, when I gained weight I was teased for that. Now that I have my teeth fixed I still feel ugly and fat mostly.

My very good friend assures me that I am quite the opposite but I have such a hard time believing it due to all of the things I have been through I guess. I am not writing this to get you all to tell me I am pretty, or beautiful because I really don't want to hear it. I am not good and those things. I wouldn't believe if you said it anyway.

My dad really has a fucked up way of teasing his kids. I won't say the nicknames he calls my sister but its just wrong. You don't do that. And, I will not dare say what she calls her husband and kids. It brings tears to my eyes. He still does this and he is 52. He still calls me names. Or he did until he suddenly stopped speaking to us a while back. He saw us a couple of weeks before Christmas but barely talked to any of us, stayed on his phone mostly, ate, and left. I called him Christmas. He bragged about everything his wife got him. Didn't ask about Jace much. Haven't heard from him since. Didn't even call to tell Jace Happy Birthday. No card or anything.

You know makes me sad about this. If my mom was still here. She may have not been able to afford the fancy gifts we gave him but she would have made up for it plenty with love. She loved all of her grand kids and my dad is missing out big time. I hate he is doing this to his family, but I shouldn't expect more. He always abandoned his family for a woman weather people want to believe that or not.

I was going to send him a letter telling him how disappointed I was in him for his total lack of decency for showing love and affection to his OWN family but I took the high road and decided not too. When she leaves him, like they always do, after they learn how he really is. We won't be here. I, myself, and my therapist think that is the best course of action. You can't keep letting someone in and out knowing they are going to hurt you over and over again. I have major guilt issues so that's why I have always let him back in. Well, what if something happens to him or he dies. I will never forgive myself. That's what I thought then. Yes, I will. I didn't do all of this to myself. He did. I forgive him for it. That is what I doing with all of these blogs, forgiving him so I can let it go so I don't own it anymore. He does. But, that doesn't mean I have to have him in my life or my child's life any longer. I will send photos and I will send and I will send an invite to the wedding but that will be the end for me as far as communication with me. I'm done.

There comes a time in your life when you have to realize if someone is hurting your more or bringing you more joy.  Then make the decision of what to do. I know my answer already.

Since this was supposed to be about self esteem here are photos of me. Funny one's, no make up one's, fat one's pretty one's, etc.

Couple of years ago when I chopped all my hair off thinking that would help me. Yikes.

 Steve and I on the way to Canada with Jace and Jamma. No make up.

 No Make-up, digging buggies. Lol.

 Right after I moved up here.

 Just being silly.

 On the beach in Sept this year.

 This winter before I started losing weight. Burrrr.

 When my friend Kristina came to visit she had this! I said people still wear these?!?!?!

This is me now, only with straight teeth and I still don't think I look good.