I didn't know I had so much bottled in. The first 30 minutes were fine and then we started talking about my dad and I exploded with emotions. I burst into tears. I hate him yet I love him. He is my father yet I would rather him not be. I would love to go back to the relationship we had just a few short months ago yet I would love to never see nor speak to him again.
I have so many feelings when it comes to him. He's my dad but he never acted like one so why should I feel some sort of guilt or emotion like I should make an effort to at least call or be around him when visiting his state? I need to get over the guilt and I will be fine.
This is the man that my mom loved with all of her heart and soul. And, for what? He beat her daily and his kids almost daily. He rarely took up time with us, always acted like we were always in his way. Why should I even care enough or feel guilt about what happens to him. You wanna know why? Because deep down inside, I am a good person. No matter the the damage I was cause by so many I am still a good person. I love deeply, I care deeply, I am honest, I genuinely care about others feelings and what happens to them. Sometimes, its a bitch to have those qualities because I get taken advantage of and people are assholes to me. But, I deal with and keep coming back for more because that's who I am.
Once ran over enough though, and it takes a lot. Enough is enough I stand my ground. This is what I am doing here. Standing my ground with this blog. Letting the world know and whoever may read my blogs I will never suffer abuse again like I have in the past. Any type of abuse. EVER.
I hope in some way these blogs are helping others. In some way, somehow. Weather you are letting out your stories, sharing your experiences, or bringing to light that these things happen more often than not.
I was talking to Steve the other night do you know that rape is very common. Molestation is probably more common. Try finding someone who has had Rape, molestation, physical, mental, emotional abuse happen to them over the course of their life. When they are children. Before they are 16. Its rare. But, that's me. That's my story. That's who I was. Its not what defines me though, not anymore.
PS. Bless my Sister In Law Tracey for having to hear me rant and my dear Aunt Sandy for listening to me cry and sob for at least 30 minutes today. I love you Aunt Sandy and when Daddy wouldn't let me see momma you were the woman in my life that I had to look up to, I appreciate your advice today. Even though I called your brother some not so nice things and had to vent I appreciate you being there for ME and not taking sides. You are one in a million Love you so much!
2 comments:
I continue to be amazed by your strength and am also amazed at how much we have in common. If I was to right about my life experiences there would be a "Therapy was hard" blog for Thursday. Maybe someday I will share my story but for now I still am struggling to let people see the real me that cowers in the corner and wears a fake smile on her face. I appreciate you sharing your story because whether you know it or not, it's helping me.
Maggie (hope) you don't mind me calling you that. It'd be weird to say Pearl for me. Lol. I thought it would be so hard for me to start telling my story but once it starting coming out I couldn't stop. Something went off and I wanted it all out. I am feeling better about myself. I swear once its all out I know it will be gone forever. I mean it won't be gone. I know it will still be there and I will think of it from time to time but I won't have the nightmares. I won't have the emotional bouts on a day to day basis like I was having. I was falling apart. You know. My therapists told me in one meeting I was one of the lucky one's. Usually they don't come in until they are in their late 30's. So yea I am lucky. I am getting help now. While Jace is still little so he doesn't have to see his mommy in any emotional roller coasters. I will say this. If you plan on having kids. I say get help and get it out now. Before that time comes. Much better that way.
Post a Comment