About Me

My photo
New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, April 13, 2012

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

I thought about these lyrics a lot when I was in the hospital. I knew I wasn't going to die obviously. They came to me because I got word that some relatives were asking about me that hasn't given two shits about me in a long time. I don't care if they read this. I know they will. My sister told me they ask about me. If they cared, they would have asked about me long ago when it mattered. Not now when I am sick. I won't say what I told my sister when she told me. I really do try not to curse to bad so I'd rather not say, but I am sure you can imagine. I have nothing for them. They should have known not to call and ask about me. They are nothing to me. As far as I am concerned they are no relation to me. That's, that.

There was also some question that someone may call my dad. I told every single person in my family that I do still talk to if they did I would never speak to them again. If he can't talk to me when I am well, he doesn't deserve to speak to me when I am sick. I saw him a couple of weeks before Christmas. Made a special trip down to have a family Christmas and he barely had anything to do with anyone. Stayed on the phone mostly with his wife's family. Barely played with Jace after I drove 9 hours to be sure we were there. He hasn't called me since Christmas. Well, he didn't even call then. I called him. All he talked about was what all his wife got him for Christmas. To me, this is not a dad, not a father. This is a boastful, bragging person who only cares about himself and his "new" family. If I am going to be honest here. Lets lay it all out. Right here and right now. I am 27 years old. For the 27 years I have been alive I can say there has been MAYBE 1 full year my dad has been an active participant in my life. Now he is married to a woman that he lives with and helps her take care of her Alzheimer's mother, and her brother who I consider to Mentally Retarded although she won't admit that. Says there is something else. But, in case my dad forgets that is what I did for a job for several years so I know these things. So he abandoned his kids for many years when they were babies, kids, teens, and now adults to do what? Go live in this situation. Am I jealous? No! I wouldn't call it that. Am I pissed beyond every imagination? Hell yes I am! A Father doesn't do that to his first family! I am not blaming it on her. Its not her fault. Could she could encourage him more, yes!

I can honestly say this with no remorse or guilt in my heart or soul. Maybe I am wrong and maybe someday I will regret it. If I do, then I will address it then. I have nothing to say to him. I consider him another passer-by in the world. If I see him when I go to MS that is what I consider him. If he wants to talk, I will talk to him. But, I will do the talking. He won't have a chance. I have a lot to say. Its my turn to say what I need to say. He has had 27 years to say what he has needed to say and he hasn't said it yet. Instead, he has torn his kids apart piece by piece. Instead of encouraging us our entire life he has downed us. The only thing he has encouraged us to do is fight. Crying was a sign of weakness. Any kind of emotion was a sign of weakness. Getting through that was a battle but here I am! I proved you I can over come the HELL you put me through, and I won't continue to let you rule my life. The emotions that come with that will be gone.

If I have the courage to see my rapist and look him in the eyes even if it was on the internet the other night and be ok I have the courage to let you go and the baggage you come with. I am free from you and whatever comes with you. If I ever see you again, I won't be afraid to tell you. I've been afraid of you my entire life but I am not anymore. I have found my voice. I have found my courage and my strength.

If it were just words maybe my life would be easier, who knows?  But, I am a strong and powerful woman now and you cannot break me. No one can.


letterlady said...

Your father should be the one to vindicate you with the rapist. You are with true loving family now, and you don't need his brand of 'love'.

Sandy said...

He should and if he was the father he should have been instead of running off with whores every chance he got maybe that wouldn't have happened to me. He should have been home taking care of his kids like he should of been.