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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, April 20, 2012

Jumping the tracks...

Every now and then we jump the tracks and don't realize it. In the past few days my body has been adjusting to not having a certain medication. I will tell you this. I feel great. I had people telling me that I was acting differently than normal and I would get pissed, naturally. I was having horrible mood swings and it was not just the medication but the side effect of the medication. Causing my blood pressure to drop to the low 90's/the low 50's which I don't know about any of you but if you BP has ever been that low you know how it feels. It makes you weak, not want to do anything, bitchy, snippy, sleepy, tired, dizzy, etc. I mean, I really could go on and on. I have been living it for months but didn't realize it. Since I have come off the med I realize the change in myself. Although, yesterday I had the shakes because my body wanted the medication I didn't give in. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. I fill a bottled half full of hot water the day before and dissolved every one of them and threw them away. I had to. For me. For Jace. For Steve. For all of us. If I didn't I really do believe I would have ended up dying because it wasn't being monitored enough. I kept calling my psychiatrist office and her nurse and never got calls back. I ended up in the hospital and its because of the med I do know that now, for sure, myself. I don't need a doctor to figure that one out for me.

With all of that being said I started therapy and the getting help process in order to be healed from the demons of my past. Not the demons I created, but the one's others created for me. I have gotten help from my lovely therapist and she has brought me a long way from when I started. She really has. I have let a lot of things go and am now free of those things. But, somewhere along the way with 1 medication I lost myself. Thankfully, I am fully aware of that now and am no longer taking it and I am back on track.

I have made a lot of progress and this is not me bragging on myself. To be able to openly speak about my molestation and rape was huge for me. It really was. To be able to let the family secrets out was also huge for me. In all of that, I am healed of most but I still have issues with my father that I don't think I can work out until I talk to him face to to face. That day will come and when it does I will have no guilt or shame for what I say. Its time for me to speak up and I will this time. I have always hidden behind a goofy grin or silly laugh to let things go. But, not this time. Its time to get down to business and let him know I have let the demons out and they are not mine to own anymore. They are his and he must own them.

1 comment:

letterlady said...

I'm proud of you, honey.