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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The unknown of the known....

All of you on my friends list know what is going on with me health wise. I don't have to explain it all over again. I don't say things or write about things for people to feel sorry for me, that's not what I want. If anyone thinks that, they are just fools. I have to let my emotions out and sometimes its the best way for me to do that. Plus, most of my family and dear friends wanted to stay up to date on what was going on with me in the hospital. Its hard to text a ton of people at once especially being in the hospital so Facebook was my way of getting the word around to everyone.

I've had a really hard time dealing with my emotions over this whole ordeal and my actual diagnosis. People tell me to think positive, everything is going to be alright, its not that bad, can't think of the what-if's, etc. I know they all mean well (I really do know you all mean well). Its just you are not in my situation. You don't know what is going on in my mind or my thought process. There are a 100 things going on in there that are telling me this or that could go wrong or maybe I won't get to see my son again at some point. Or maybe if they have to stick a tube in my brain to drain the fluid they may miss, hit the wrong spot and either kill me or mess me up really bad. Yes! These things go through my mind, as they should after what happened to my mom I don't know what normal person couldn't think these things. Really.

Then, the big one. I get so angry. This is not supposed to be happening to me. I know I did things to people in the past. Lied before, even stole once or twice when my dad wasn't around to survive, but I have lived a pretty decent life. I am kind and nice to people. I am genuine and do for others without ever thinking of myself. But, then you have these people like my dad for instance. Who did to my family what he did. Then you have my molester who is still out there living it up everyday, not a thing in the world wrong with him. Oh, wait. Then you have my rapist who is probably a pot head I am assuming and has a few kids, decent job I assume and home last time I knew of. Nothing wrong with him. So, why me? Why not them?! Why do I have to suffer more pain and agony when they are living their lives so freaking care-free? I'm not a mean person and I try to be nice to everyone. But, this-this makes me want to go to all three and tell them how I feel and beat the living hell out of all of them. I want to beat them until they can't walk and then talk to them and push them around like they did to me. Torture them like they did to me. Make them feel the torture I have felt for so many years. Make them feel the pain I am suffering right now because I feel it should be them and not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to hold on to everything and hold it together for the sake of myself and my family. But, its hard. I know everyone is going to comment on here to say things will get better and you can't think like that and I know they may get better. But, what if it doesn't? What will I be left holding then? What will my son face? What will Steve face?

These are my thoughts and mine alone. I will be glad when its all over and I hope its just something they can go in and correct hurriedly and make no mistakes. In and out. I really do. If you have been following my blog from the beginning you may see why I have my hesitations. While my life is pretty well on track or was, things have always been bad in my life and it feels like now its going that way again. I am getting married in a little over 5 months to my soul mate and it could all fall apart because of this and I am scared shitless.

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