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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Downs & Ups

Well, on Wednesday of last week I got some bad news. I literally broke down and didn't know what I was going to do. I had called my therapists office to re-schedule my appt. for that Friday since I decided to leave for Mississippi on Thursday instead. When I called the office person told me I couldn't re-schedule. I was puzzled as they always told me I could call and re-schedule as long as its before 24 hours. I then went on to ask why and she proceeded to tell me that my therapist would no longer be working there and they could assign me to someone else. I said no. I've made so much progress with my therapist I didn't want to see anyone else. They then told me they would put me through to her direct line and I left a very long, detailed message letting her know if she was going somewhere else I would like to follow if I could or to close my case because I would no longer see a therapist. She called me back a while later and I cried with her on the phone. I felt like I was losing a part of something I worked so hard to get. Does that make sense? She told me she was going to another office to be closer to her own little girl and her family (I can understand that). She said they usually do not let clients transfer to another county but she was going to try her best to talk to her supervisor and let her know my situation. She did, and called me back almost as I got home yesterday from my Mississippi trip. She said her supervisor is letting me go with her to her new place. I am super excited about this because I have more to tell and I think with her help I can do that.

Now, on to my vacation. Some of it was vacation with a little work. Lol. My main panic was that I was going to be photographing my cousins wedding party and the ceremony. Ahhhhhh! I was a nervous wreck and actually had a panic attack the night before we left for MS. This was a big deal for me. Two reasons-Number one it was my baby cousin and I already knew I was going to cry. Number two I don't do weddings, well inside anyway. I have two booked for outside and I am completely fine with those but inside photos with not a whole lot of lighting freak me out. So, I was super on edge. Not only that but I had the pressure seeping up behind me that I had to see 3 possibly 4 people that I didn't care to see. I say 3 of them, thankfully the 4th didn't show up. But, the 3 weren't that bad. We all stayed out of one another's way because its a mutual dislike if you will. The wedding went off without a hitch. I took photos and am glad of the way they are coming out. The only thing is I wish Steve would have brought Jace when I told him too so he could have been in the group photos. Lol. I do have a couple of him though. I was proud of my baby cousin for making this commitment and being, just beautiful. I love her so much.

This Mississippi trip was the first time I had been back since I started telling my story. I was wondering how it was going to feel. I always wanted to go see my family but always dreaded it because I hated the memories it brought with the trip. This time, I had no bad feelings with those things at all. I even took Steve by the house and yard I was raped in. I needed to do that to be sure I was fully over that and had closure from it. It didn't bother me at all. It was like driving by an unknown house and nothing ever happened. I also told him of another story while I was down that I hadn't told but one other person and I am still debating if I ever will. I probably will, I just have to get through it with my therapist first. It doesn't bother me in the way that the other things did but it embarrasses me more. I'm not sure why. I didn't make myself do anything. Someone else did. I guess we'll see.

As guests begin to get to my bridal shower on Sunday I was able to chat with a few of them while things were being finished. One of which was like a mother to me at one point and time. She had no idea the things I had went through and I don't even know how we got on the subject. It was very surprising to her to say the very least. And surprising that I do not believe in the things she does or that I did anymore. She still loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I'll become. I know this. It was like we picked up right were we left off. Anyway, the bridal shower kicked off and I must say I had an awesome time. Not a whole lot of people came and I was kind of glad because it gave me a chance to have one on one time with every one. It was nice. My sister in law, Tracey is the one who made it all possible so big props to her. My sister came the day of and was able to help a little.

The next day I went to my good friends house and visited with her for a while. It was nice to sit and chat. Of course, she asked me about my religion (or I guess you could say my lack of). Every one has questions when things like that are brought up and I don't mind answering them. Like I told her and have told every one else who has questioned me, just because I don't believe the same thing doesn't make me a bad person. I do great deeds for people, I help people in any way that I can and I love with all my heart. Of course there is always the question of me having an impact on the way Jace thinks about religion. Its true, there is some influence there as you are a parent but if he decides to go to church and things like that I will take him. I have no issue with this. In fact I will probably put him in a church mommy's day our program. Other than that I was able to talk to her mom more in depth about the things that happened to me that she had no idea about. She said something to me that I just can't shake. She told me if I had of came to her she would have fought for me. She would have tried to get me away from my dad and the things that he was doing. I was a scared teenager at the time. I tried to hide most of it. Even if I did tell her I knew how my dad was. He wouldn't have let it be like that. He would have done every thing he could to make my life miserable. I really do think that is what he does and does it on purpose. As a matter of fact on my bridal shower day he drove around the block of where it was being held. He has let his hair grow out into a pony tail, cut all of his facial hair off and all. This is the longest we have ever went without speaking. I've had the same number for years. He knows how to call but he refused to up until about a month ago (6 months since I had last saw or spoke to him) but I didn't answer. I have nothing to say to him unless its in person. I'm no coward anymore and will not back down from his words.

All in all I had a pretty good trip to visit my family and friends. I had a beautiful bridal shower and I loved getting to be a "princess" for the day. Lol. I loved my tiara. Ha.

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