Today, I think, is the first time I have truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I know I am not skinny or the most beautiful person or even close to it but I am me. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. Its weird because before all of my therapy and before me starting to write I felt normal. I thought things were ok in my head. They weren't and its proof now that it wasn't. I always made jokes about myself and how big I was (I still do that from time to time) but I truly am starting to feel better about myself. Emotionally and physically. I guess after years of abuse, sexual assaults, people telling you that you aren't good enough that will put a cloud over you.
We went to dinner with Steve's really good friend and his wife tonight. It was an unexpected date night and I had a lot of fun. It was nice to get out of the house and have grown up conversations with other adults without my precious 2 year old screaming in my ear ;)
So here is my point I guess. A lot of times when I am around other people I feel out of place. Well, I did. Because the people that I am around seem to have higher education than I do, been more places than I have, speak better than I do, and such. I've asked Steve if he was embarrassed that I am "just a photographer" and have never been any further than high school. Have also asked if my pronunciation of certain words embarrass him. He always said no but I always felt that I never met anyone standards. I was just a waste of space in this world. I was just a mom and a part time photographer so what good am I? Crazy talk right? Well this is what went through my head almost on a daily basis. I guess it has something to do with my PTSD, OCD, or generalized anxiety. I will say though since I have been on my medication, getting therapy, and writing all of these feelings have went away.
I do not feel dumb any more. I may not know every thing but I am certainly not dumb. I feel that I am a productive part of society and my work is still not finished. I feel like I belong in this world, in this town, with Steve, with my friends, and even with strangers.