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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I've talked about this a lot.

I can't help going back over it sometimes. You know? For me I am free from all of the burdens and baggage that I had from my tainted childhood but of course the memories still remain. They always will, I do believe. I do get to thinking from time to time that if my dad hadn't been the way he was and treated my mom and us kids the way he did then I would have never gotten molested because my mom would have never left him. He was the love of her life and every one knew that. She catered to him all the time. It was sweet watching her sometimes. When there were good moments because you could tell she had more love in her heart than she knew what to do with.

Then I think well even after they divorced and I started spiraling out of control from being molested that had he of been there for my brother and I maybe my rape would have never happened. Maybe if he was there like a father should have been all of the bad things that happened to all of us could have been prevented. It wasn't though and we were/are left with the pieces scattered all around to try to clean up. For the most part my siblings and I have managed to put the pieces back together. How were we able to do that? By completely shutting our dad out. I didn't want to do that but he has shown his complete lack of respect and parenting to us over the past year that I would never want to have anything to do with him again. He doesn't deserve to be called a father. Not by me. He can be called daddy from someone else but it will never be me again. I let him have far too much control over my life and my thinking for far too long. I even hid certain parts of my personality from him. Because I knew he would judge me. He abandoned me for the last time.

He did try to call a couple of weeks ago. I didn't answer. After 6 months he decides to call. Yea, I don't think so. At this point there is nothing left to say. When I told him Steve and I were getting married he acted like a real dad for the whole phone conversation and was truly happy for me (so I thought). When I started my wedding planning I made sure to let Steve know I wanted to get married in MS so that no one in my family could have an excuse not to come. Its only 4-5 hours from them. I am driving 11 hours with a 2 year old. When I asked him if he was coming and walking me down the isle he says "why, to watch you get remarried". That was a low blow. It really was. Since then I haven't wanted him even at my wedding.

Of course I have my big brother. Who by the way is only a little over a year older than me. Lol. He is honored to be walking me down the isle. After all he calls me his baby girl because he is the one who took care of me and made sure I went to school every day when our dad was off doing his own thing for weeks/months at a time. Even though we had our issues and fought like enemies I wouldn't want anyone else to be walking me down the isle in October. My brother has changed. He is not the same person he once was. I am the proudest little sister ever. I am so happy and proud of him I just cannot say it enough. He means the world to me and for him to want to walk me down the isle means everything to me. I talked to his wife, Tracey, last night and couldn't help but cry while talking about him and how far he has come and how excited I was for him to be the one to walk me on my wedding day.

My dad is no longer invited to my wedding or invited into my life. I think its crucial for it to stay that way. If I let him back in it will just be like it always has been. He'll be there for a couple of years and then he will move on to the next best thing. Its better this way.

In October, the day before Steve and I exchange our vows we are going to have a little ceremony for our mother. We are going to scatter her ashes on the beach. She would want that. Its time to let her go so we can be free from that hurt of losing her and she can be free. I am looking forward to the spreading of the ashes and marrying my best friend the next day.

Life can be a beautiful thing, you just have to get past all of the bad stuff that has happened to you. I am surprised I have been able to get through all of this so easily but I am a woman with a ton of determination and did not want to let this define me. I am defining my own self and I am my own person. I choose to raise my son differently and break the cycle.

1 comment:

letterlady said...

You've come such a long way. I'm proud of you, and I know your mother would be too.