I will not call out my sexual abuser like I haven't the past two. Its not that I am scared I just feel that I am finally over it and saying names will not do anyone any good. At least not in my opinion.
I remember being at a relatives house. I want to say I was around 6. I couldn't have been any older than 8 at most. Another relative took the kids in his room to look around at how cool his room was. Me being a kid obviously I didn't think anything of it. After he showed us all his room he was making every one get out of the room and he told me stay. I thought I was going to get to see something special. He talked to me for a minute. About what I have no clue. I don't remember.
I do remember him telling me that there was something in his closet he wanted me to see. Well, his closet was one of those that was sort of like an old pantry. It didn't have a knob and it came out of the wall. It wasn't like closets now. Anyway, he told me to go in and look so I did. He followed me and shut the door. I remember it being dark in there. I don't know all the details leading to this as I was very young but he made me give him oral sex that night. He told me to put my mouth on his penis and told me it was special for me to do that and I couldn't tell anyone.
I have been ashamed and embarrassed to tell this part of my story. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I was a kid. I didn't know what those things were. He took advantage of me. It still makes me feel quite a bit embarrassed by this. Most of my problems I have been able to work out. Like my rape, and my molestation but this is different for me. Maybe its because it was a relative or maybe it was because of the act. I really don't know. I am still in therapy so I know that I will get through the shame I feel over this, its just its so raw for me.
Don't think I am sitting here typing and its making me sad. Yes, what happened to me was wrong and cruel and just disgusting on so many levels. But, I am ok. I am going to make it through this. I don't have a choice. I have come so far already.