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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Leaving one situation of abuse just to go to another.

Yes, that is exactly what I did. Remember my blog about leaving my dad's on my 18th birthday because I refused to be a victim of his any longer? Well, when I left I moved in with a long time boyfriend of mine and his grandparents. Not boyfriend I don't guess I can say because although young, he had asked me to marry him when I was 17 and I said yes. So he was my fiance, actually. I was in a relationship with this boy/man for four years. Two of them when I was still in high school and the other two after I graduated. While I was still in high school he isolated me from most of my friends. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with friends anymore. I had to hang out with him every day after school. When I got a job working after school I had to hang out with him after work. I was unable to spend time with my friends. I am actually surprised that I still have a few of those good friends after I turned my back on them for him. One being a great guy friend that I still have to this day. He forgave me for not talking to him during that time. He said he understood but I still to this day feel bad about it. I really do. But, you know what? We are still close friends and every time I go to MS I make sure he is the one of the first on my list to make sure I get a visit with. He means the world to me and was there for me when I had no one else. He is like a brother to me. I'll put his name. I'm sure he won't mind. So, thank you Cody. Thank you for putting up with my bull crap and my turning my back on our friendship because someone else told me we couldn't be friends. You are a great friend that has stuck by me and I love you for that.

Now, back to the story. During this relationship as I stated he isolated me from my friends. After I moved out from my dad's house he isolated me from my family. I didn't talk to my dad for a year anyway and didn't really care about talking to him. But, my mom and sister lived in Arkansas at the time. Every time I wanted to go visit he would give me a guilt trip and say all kinds of mean things to me for me not to go. I would give in and not go because I knew if I did what crap I would have to hear when I got back. So I never went to visit needless to say and I regret that to this day. I could have had more time with my mom if it weren't for this jackass. Anyway, we eventually moved out of the house with his grandparents and into our own house. We were renting it from one of his relatives. It was even further away from any friends and family. So he basically had be secluded from the world. I was allowed to go to school, then work, then come home. All the while he sat at home and played video games and only worked about a total of 6 months the entire relationship. Almost on a daily basis he would call me a whore, slut, bitch, fat, ugly, etc. He said if I ever left him no one else would love me. I believed him for a long time. I really thought all of those things. He also would often visit me at work and sit at a table and watch me work and interact with my customers. Especially the men. If I smiled and said "How are you today" he would let me know about it later at home. He always thought I was cheating on him.

He would also do things that he knew bothered me just to get me in panic mode. He knew I couldn't handle things being over my face and little things like that. And, because he knew this he would often put pillows and cover over my face until I had an outright panic attack. One time I had a panic attack so bad that I literally thought I was going to die because he did this to me. I ran and jumped in the shower with all of my clothes on and the water on freezing cold. I was screaming and crying at this point. I stayed in there well over 45 minutes. He came in and checked on me and said he was sorry. His apologies were always empty though as he would do the same things over and over again knowing the effect it would have on me. He didn't care.

He never physically abused me but he emotionally and mentally abused me. He did once push me very lightly out of anger. When he did I unleashed my wrath on him because I promised myself after watching my mom being beaten for 22 years, my siblings and I being beaten I would never let a man lay a hand on me out of anger. I have kept that promise to myself and always will. Although, I do not have that to worry about anymore.

Finally after years of mental and emotional abuse from him I decided to end our relationship. Of course he wasn't letting me go without a fight. I packed what little I could in my car and took it to my dad's house to store. It was all of my close and personal items. I didn't know where I was going to live but it was going to be with neither of them. I'd had enough abuse. In the time it took me to get to my dad's and back he took all of my stuffed animals I had collected through the years from my family and slit their throats. Yes, that is what he did and left them laying on the bed. I gathered them and a few more things I could fit into my car and had planned to get my dad to help me get the furniture I paid for the next day. When I went back the next day there was nothing left. He took everything. With the help of his family of course and I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't have receipts. But, I am the one who worked and paid for it all. I was so angry. Upon further investigation into the apartment we were renting I found used condoms. I knew they weren't from me because I was not having sex with him. I later found out what they were from. He had been cheating on me. Almost the entire relationship. This is why he was so "protective" over me and so jealous of everything I did. Because he was hiding something himself and thought that surely I was too. I just told myself to forget about it, I didn't care. I was out of the relationship and there was nothing left to say. That is, until I found out who he had been cheating on me with. It was a man. By this point I was fuming mad.

Let me say this. I have nothing against gays, lesbians, bisexuals and most of you know that. I wish the law would change so that gay and lesbian couples can be married. I am all for it. What I am not all for is a person claiming to be straight and having sex with his fiance and also having sex with another person, a man on top of that. Did he not think of the risk he put me at of contracting aids? No, he was just selfish. He will still deny it to this day. They both will but I know the truth. After I found this out I saw them one night together, standing at the back of his car. I revved my motor (as much as it would go) and stomped my foot on that gas peddle with every intention of running them both over with my car. As luck would have it though I had a good friend in the car with me and she jerked the steering wheel from me and made me stop the car and let her drive.

That was the last time I had contact with him. I have seen him sense. When I still lived in Mississippi I would see him and his family often. They went around calling me a whore saying I was sleeping with everyone all the while not knowing what their precious family member was really doing. He sure had me fooled for 4 years and took away 4 years of my life by being abuse to me. It was a lesson well learned though. I knew after him what I didn't want a relationship to be. I have since been in a couple of bad relationships. None as bad as that one. But, I can happily say today that I have been with the man of my dreams for almost 4 wonderful years. He has never been mentally or emotionally abusive to me, he has loved me unconditionally even when I wasn't loveable. He has never laid a hand on me or cursed at me. I found my soul mate and prince charming when I found Steve.

I'll never have to be in an abusive situation again and feel 100% safe with him.

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