About Me

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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Being raped will tear you to shreds.....

It was a hot summer night. I had on khaki shorts. Not too short (anyone who has ever known me knows I have never worn short shorts). I had on a navy blue Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt. I was a friends house. We were partying hard. In the last blog I stated I was molested and it already damaged me pretty bad. At this point I started smoking pot heavily, drinking anything I could get my hands on, huffing anything I could but mostly gas, sniffing pills, taking pills. Just anything that would get me high enough to forget the pain. Anyway, at the friends party we were doing all of this. I was pretty bad off. I don't remember a lot. I was in and out of consciousness. I had remembered earlier that the friend invited some much older men over to come party with us. They arrived way later that night. After I had already been passed out on the ground in and out and not knowing what was going on. I do remember at one point being on the ground, raising my head, looking around and no one was in sight. Everyone was inside. There was nothing but a ton of cars that surrounded me and grass. I looked up and the stars was looking back down at me. A few minutes later I heard a mans voice say my name. It woke me up (I wasn't asleep). Just in and out of consciousness of being high, drunk, and whatever else I was. He picks me up, puts me in the passenger seat of his car and locks the door. I won't lie and tell you I can remember everything that happened after that point because I can't. I know he raped me though because from that point on I had flash backs of what happened. I bled after that. I had never had sex before that point. I didn't ask to have sex with him. The choice was not given to me. After it happened to me I remembered. I was sober after. It sobered me. I guess I was getting there through the process. He dumped me from his car. He unlocked the door, opened it, and pushed me onto the ground. I remember sobbing my eyes out. I could feels semen on my clothes beside me, he pushed me out with no clothes on. I was naked, exposed, in my friends yard for the world to see if anyone came out.

He got out of his car and said "we're cool, right?" Locked his car, and walked back into the house. I managed to put my clothes back on. Finally went inside. When I walked in he was sitting on the couch. I look around the room and everyone was looking at me. He was smiling. I ran to the bathroom and took a shower. I was bleeding. I had semen all over me. I scrubbed myself so hard with a bath rag all over my body I bled all over. I never thought I was going to get clean. I never talked to this friend again. She had no idea this had happened but I couldn't face her. I was mean to her, I wanted to make her think I didn't like her anymore just cause, cause I didn't want to be her friend.

He went and told his friends I agreed to have sex with him and was bragging about it, which was a lie obviously. Which got back to his girlfriend. I didn't know he had a girlfriend obviously cause I barely knew him. His friend ended up telling everyone I had sex with him instead of his friend having sex with me (raping) me. So his girlfriend wouldn't leave him. They ended marrying a few years later, had a kid or two and divorced. I had to see him every time I went to MS to visit my family and he will never acknowledge what he did to me. But, I will say this right here and right now. If I see him the next time I am down there. I am 27 years old now. I will tell him that I think he is a nasty old bastard and he is a pervert and he deserves to rot in hell (if there is one). If there isn't he deserves to be tortured to the max for what he did to me. He will deny it like they all do, but I know what he did to me.

He not only took away a little 13 year old girls virginity he took sense of safety (what little I had left) of men and everything else you can imagine. After  this happened I started to cut myself. I would slit my wrists on a regular basis, I would slit my stomach, my arms, my legs, ankles, back, any part I could get too. The back of neck, behind my ears. You name it. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to die but was a coward and couldn't do it myself. On many occasions I took so many pills to try to kill myself but never took enough. I was too much of a coward. I didn't know how to do it. I hated my dad for it too. I think if he had of been around enough and not always gone this would have never happened. I was so mad one day at him when we were coming home from Bentley, MS and he was being an asshole I tried to run us off of a bridge. Both of us. I was going to kill us both. Get rid of him for the world and get rid of me for the pain I was feeling. But, he grabbed the wheel and asked "what the hell I was thinking"? I lied and said I blanked out. He drove the rest of the way home.

The rape affected me in many, many ways. I started having sex with any guy that would show me attention. Which wasn't a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't some whore to be quite honest. I didn't get a lot of attention. I got all the wrong attention but I took it. I was actually quite mean to the nice one's. I would fight the nice one's.

I would like to think I was one of the lucky one's though. I didn't end up in a garbage dumpster or alley way, killed. Although I would have liked to have been several times. But, I wouldn't have all this now. I love my life now.

Since the molestation and the rape I have had a bad case of paranoia. I have always been afraid of certain things and have a high sense of my surroundings that most people do not have. The first thing I have gotten rid of. The second I would like to keep. Anyway, its not easy having that because you are always on edge, thinking that something may happen to you. I remember living in an apartment with one of my good friends and some of her male friends came into my room at 3 A.M. one night picking with me and jumped in the bed with one. I grabbed a butchers block knife and started trying to hack away at them. They were screaming it was okay and telling me who they were, I knew them. I was half asleep but I didn't know at the time what they were doing to be so it was kill or be killed. Luckily, it was joke. I can take jokes now. It took me a long time to get from there to here.

Even after moving here, I was afraid of everything and even looked over my shoulder. Hard to trust anyone. I trust a little easier now but still am a bit withdrawn to feel you out so to speak.


nee_cee2@yahoo.com said...

It took alot for you to tell this, but I am so proud of you getting all this out.I love you sis.

Sandy said...

Love you too, sister!