About Me

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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Ah, therapy.

I once associated therapy with something bad. What? I didn't know. I just thought it was all bad because they really didn't care, they were just there to get paid. Man, my mind has been changed. I love my therapist. The reason I started going is because my nightmares began again. I've had them since I was little. After being molested and raped. Vivid dreams. Where I feel whats happening to me all over again. I hadn't had an issue from the time I found out about Jace up until about 2 months ago. With me having Jace now I wanted to be sure I was mentally healthy for him. I didn't want him to see what I was going through. I would wake up balling my eyes out from the dreams. I knew my old baggage was about to come up so I searched and searched with help from a friend to find a good therapist. I found the best one I think ;)

Of course she was like all therapists and ask me what was my problem and I briefly explained my story which I will share with you all at a later date. Its been nice to share this information with someone who is an outsider and who will not judge me for the things that others did to me, not that I did to myself.

I think I made a major breakthrough between last night and today. I am part of a Mommy group forum. They have a section for people with PTSD, OCD, anxiety/depression and such. Which I have PTSD and OCD. Anyway, on the mommy group I am a part of it was my turn to tell my story of strength. How I came out of all the abuse I endured in my short life. As I started to write the first sentence I got tears in my eyes thinking of my parents, I didn't want to embarrass them even though my mom is dead. I looked up on my bulletin board which is right above my monitor and there was a photo there of my mom, my sister, my brother, and I. It was a fond memory. But, there were also objects in the photo which had been used to abuse my mother with, in front of us. I took a break and carried on. It took me quite a while to write it all out and I just skimmed the surface. Through writing everything I came to terms with it not defining who I am or what I do with my future. Its not mine to own. Its time for the burden to be lifted and carried by the true abusers. I won't let it hold me back any longer. No matter who I embarrass in the mean time, it has to be told and I have to release my inner demons. I have to stop being the owner of things that someone else did to my family and I. I have to stop feeling like its my fault things happened. I have to stop carrying around the secrets. It happened! It needs to be told! I need to let it out! I will let it out!

Its the best thing for me and my therapist agrees. So, in the next few weeks you guys will find out a lot of things about me and my family. I do advise you, I will go into detail. If you are family and don't want things about my dad said I suggest you stop reading here. Its time for the truth to be told and I am going to tell it. Besides, it not to harm him although it probably will but its to heal me. Its to heal Denise. Its to heal Charlie. Its our turn to feel healed and loved. Its our time to shine. Also, if you are a friend who is affected easily by people telling of tragic events in their lives I suggest you skip over it too.


Anonymous said...

i love you...we all do!!!!!!!!!

Sandy said...

This doesn't have a name so thank you and I love you too? Lol.