About Me

My photo
New Albany, Indiana, United States

Friday, February 24, 2012

My mother, a beautiful young soul.

She was kind, caring, and compassionate. She would do anything in the world for you. She didn't care how many times someone did her wrong she was still there for them. A quality most people don't have, including myself. My mom had lots of friends but only a few true friends. A lot of her friends did her dirty and stabbed her in the back. But, of course she forgave them like she forgave my daddy for all he done to her.

She was raised the best either. Her daddy was an alcoholic who dealt out his fair share of ass whoopings as he called them and her mother was bed ridden with no legs. Her uncle sexually molested her and her sisters and then they were put in a foster home where they were all sexually abused there as well. But, in the end she was able to show her kids the kind of compassion and love only she could. I can't explain it but she loved us like no one ever did. It was love I have never felt from anyone else. She believed we could do anything, that we could conquer the world if we wanted to.

I remember on days in the summer when daddy would be at work and she wouldn't be babysitting any kids. She would make pinto beans in the crock pot. Well, at lunch we would all get a cup full and she'd make a pawn of cornbread as we'd call it and get us a nice big tea cup full. Put a bit of may on there and sit on the couch and watch werewolf movies. Mostly sliver bullet. Those were the most fondest memories. Cuddled all 4 of us on the couch together eating that, drinking our sweet tea, and watching that movie. What I give just for one more day of that. Can't bring her back though. Although we all wish we could.

Lets talk about her death briefly and then I will end this post. My mother went into South Arkansas Medical Center for symptoms related to pneumonia. They put her in a room, started her on IV fluids like they normally do. All was good. My mom seemed to be getting a little agitated so they were going to give her some atitivan which you do not do with a patient who has COPD which I know and I am no a nurse. My sister said no and they did it anyway and gave her a mask to wear. Sometime shortly my sister ask them to move her to the ICU to better watch because she was not breathing well and she needed to be monitored closely. They said they would try. My sister told them she was running home to get a shower and would be back in in 15-20 min to please check on her frequently. When my sister entered the room the nurses where on top of my mother giving her CPR saying they didn't know how long she had been down but the lady who was bunking with her said at least 15 minutes because she had been calling the nurses that long and they didn't respond. They then moved her to ICU but it was too late. In my eyes she was already dead. I was already living in KY. So I got the news she was on life support from my sister. She had no brain activity what so ever. We kept her on life support I'd say a good week or close to it hoping and praying she would pull through it. Of course she did not. I remember when I got to AR and seen my mother for the first time I could not believe my eyes. I thought they took me into the wrong room. That was not my beautiful mother laying on that bed with barely any hair and barely any skin on her bones, and all bruised and battered. I remember whispering in her ear and what I said to her. I told her that I loved her and to please pull through this. I need her more than anything, after all I was all 22 years old. After I whispered to her she coded and they called for a crash cart. I remember freaking out and running as fast as I could. I didn't know where or how and who I was running too but I needed to get somewhere. I ran to the doors. They wouldn't opened. I banged on them hard. They wouldn't open. I could see my ex-husband, and my aunts on the other side and they said they couldn't let me out there was no way too. I screamed for them to let me out and finally the door opened. I ran into the bathroom nearest there. My aunts came in and tried to console me but it wasn't helping me. I knew right at that moment my mother was never going to wake up again. She was gone. It didn't matter how long we kept her there, she was gone. her soul was gone to wherever souls go. It was hard to come to terms with this and I still didn't. She lost her battle 5 years ago on this very day. Of course we found lawyer who we thought was going to represent us well and he did not. If you ever hear the name Bruce Flint, run for the hills. He is not a good lawyer and he will pretend to represent you in a good manner but he doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground and I would almost be willing to bet I know more about law than his sorry ass. Thank you, come again. Sorry about that little rant.

After my mom's death I took a supervisor position to stay gone from home as long as possible to not think about things as much. When I was home I tried to stay to myself and I cut myself in places that no one would see. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wanted to feel physical pain so I wouldn't have to feel emotional pain. I was having panic attacks all the time. I couldn't stand myself much less anyone else. I hated myself and everyone around me but I put a face and a front for everyone else but deep inside I wanted to die and wanted everyone else to feel like I did. I did have good days sometimes at work or out with friends but when I went home I was miserable. I hated home, I hated church, I hated the people at church, and I hated God. Judge me for this if you want but this is how I feel. This is me. This is how I feel.

Since today was her 5 year anniversary and we want to start celebrating her and stop mourning her we set balloons off for her. Her favorite color was yellow so here are a few photos of that. Thanks for reading as always.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i love you we all do!!!!!!!!! time to celebtate indeed!!!!!!