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New Albany, Indiana, United States

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Things do tend to run together.

When you are little and scared most of the time, things really do run together. You don't remember dates or ages but you sure do remember things that happen.

Like the time my dad got mad at my mom and locked my brother, her, and me out in the cold. We couldn't get inside the house. My brother and I had made a little tin fort that day or the day before. It was super small. Had to crawl to get inside of it. It had one hole at the end where we would crawl in and out. I remember that night very vividly. I remember thinking in my young mind how someone could leave his family outside all night especially when it was cold out. Not freezing but it was cold. I remember what my mom was wearing. She was wearing a very worn, ragged, cut off t-shirt. Its what she always wore to bed and her panties. So I know she must have been cold. We cuddled together and I know my brother and I eventually went to sleep but I am not so sure she did. She probably watched over us.

Our dad finally let us in the next morning. I don't remember much about going inside or what was said. I know we just woke at dawn and went in. Mom and dad probably got into another argument. I remember it being a daily thing. Well, I guess I could say daily but it was more like daily and every time they were together.

Like I said there were some points that were ok. Good memories. Like, when my mom would sing some CCR to my dad or some Rod Stewart, BB King, Queen, etc. when we were driving to and from somewhere. She loved to sing. She wasn't a good singer, like me. I can't hold a tune, but she loved him and wanted him to know it by some of the songs she sang. I do believe he loved her back. He was just dealing out what he had been given when he was a child. The cycle of abuse. It never ends until you realize its there and take control. Sort of like I am doing. My brother and sister are doing the same.

I remember a lot of times when in public she wasn't aloud to speak out or give her opinions. Mostly around his friends. The one's he thought he had to be manly in front of. He would tell her "shut the fuck up and go get in the car". We always heard these things. He would tell us the same thing. Or he would tell her "I am going to beat your ass when we get home". And, he did that. He never threatened and not follow through. He would tell us the same and follow through on those too.

There was a time we went to my Aunt Debbie's (May she rest in peace) and my sister forgot her shoes. When we got home my dad beat her with one of those big orange extension cords. She was young. Kids forget things. Its not like she harmed anyone or cursed anyone, she forgot her damn shoes. It wasn't just her responsibility either. As parents you should make sure your kids have everything before you leave. If they weren't too drunk maybe she would have gotten them. They were both smashed. They stayed that way a lot. They shouldn't have even been driving. We are lucky to even still be a live as many times as they drove drunk. My dad was a bad alcoholic. I mean bad. He also tried every drug he could get his hands on. Smoked pot mostly though. I honestly think that my mom had to drink and smoke pot to deal with the life she was leading. She was a sweet woman and caring but had to deal with an asshole, abuser on a daily basis. I think that would be enough to drive anyone insane. I am surprised she held on for as long as she did.

More to come later.......

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