Why should I hide any part of myself?

I shouldn't. As I sat and talked to Steve today about this I couldn't help but think, so what?! Who cares what other people think about me and the decisions I make. I hid my entire childhood, my rape, my molestations, and all from the world until February. I was tired of hiding behind it. Having outburst of anger because I was keeping it bottled in. What good did that do me? None at all. As Steve lay in bed watching me get ready for work this afternoon we talked about why I hid the way I felt about religion and Christianity. My reason? I was scared that I would lose friends or clients. If I lose friends and clients over what I believe in then that is their fault, not mine. Number one, they would be losing a great friend because I am a damn good friend and I know I am. If I lose clients, so be it. In the end, I will know who I am and what I stand for. I will be glad that its out there and I don't have to hide it anymore. Its my choice. We all have our own freedoms. We all have a right to choose what we want to believe.

With that being said. Yes, I was once a Baptist. I attended church every Sunday morning and evening, on Wednesday and whenever there was a special event. I am now a non-believer. Yes, you saw right. The correct terminology there would be I am atheist. For those of you who do not know what that means let me insert the definition. Atheism is the lack of belief in a deity, which implies that nothing exists but natural phenomena (matter), that thought is a property or function of matter, and that death irreversibly and totally terminates individual organic units. This definition means that there are no forces, phenomena, or entities which exist outside of or apart from physical nature, or which transcend nature, or are “super” natural, nor can there be. Humankind is on its own.

I get questioned all the time when a friend finds out. It doesn't bother me at all when people question my "non-belief" or even when they say they will pray for me. I don't argue with people about this. Its my own opinion. Its what helps me sleep at night. Its what helps me get through. IT IS WHAT I BELIEVE. I don't have one single atheist friend that I know of. So its not due to that. All of my friends are actually Christian and we don't discuss it much. They have their beliefs and I have mine.  People can still be friends with different opinions. If a person is a true Christian though they won't turn their back on me no matter my lack of faith or not. We will see though what my friends list drops down too. I am completely ok with that. I have made my decision to stop hiding behind it.

For those wondering about Jace. I have had several friends "preach" to me about Jace. Well, first of all. He is MY SON. Last I checked, I birthed him. No one else did. Steve and I choose to raise him the way we see fit which means not pushing religion on him. When he gets old enough to make that kind of decision on his on, then I hope he makes the decision right for him. If he wants to go to church you bet your ass I will take him to church, anytime he wants to go. If he becomes a preacher one day, you bet your ass I will be at every sermon. It doesn't mean I have to believe it. Because I don't. I have my reasons.

People take tragic life events and go one of two ways. They either get closer to their God or become a non believer altogether. I chose to not believe. Because this God that people speak of that works all these great miracles wouldn't let things happen to me or anyone else that happens. But, they do. If he is so powerful, why can't he end the pain, the hunger, the hurt? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I don't want an answer to it. I don't want a debate about it. At the end of the day/night, whatever. I will still believe what I believe and you will still believe what you believe.

So many nights I laid in my bath tub with 6+inch cuts on myself trying to take my own life and get away from the hurt I was in. Laying in a pool of blood screaming to a god that I once believed in to take my life and let the suffering end already. I had enough. Although I am thankful to still be here and have the life I have now, it wasn't for a god. It was for MY persistence and MY hard work.

I will say I do believe in miracles, but probably not the miracles you do. I believe my son was miracle and a gift from my mother (wherever she may be) as she knew I was hurting and needed someone to fill her spot and love me the way she did. That happened for me and I haven't looked back since.

I hope to not lose friends or clients over this post or over my non belief but if I do, I am ready for those consequences. It has to be told sooner or later. I figure the sooner the better. Its time to stop hiding and tell people how I really feel. With all of that being said-To my Christian friends (which is probably 99% of you) I love you all and I am glad you have something to believe in and I am thankful that you don't push things down my throat. I am thankful that even though we have different views we can still be friends. And, to those of you that choose to end our friendship-That is ok. I won't hurt over it. It is your decision to make.

Goodnight.

Something that helped me.

I am going to start this blog with a song/video. Please watch and listen. I am sure most of you have seen this video and heard this song a million times. But, this time really listen and watch. Because, it might have been a while since you last heard it.

The kids in that video were me. I went through most of the things they did. I wanted to run away so many times. I knew if I did though my dad would hunt me down and there wasn't much telling what he would do. I was fearful of him more than I was of the potential of getting hurt in the world. Isn't that a shame? Its crazy, really. So many times I saw what those kids saw. When I was younger this song helped me get through a lot of bad and crazy times in my life. Although, I do still cry when I hear and see the video I honestly believe it helped me. It gave me hope. Even though I didn't run away, it gave me hope that someday I would be out of all the pain I was in. There would be no more beatings of my mom, there would be no more beatings for my siblings and I, there would be no more sexual abuse for me, there would be no more trying to end my life. I would someday be happy. Even through all the pain, tears, fear, and every other emotion I had. I still had hope that maybe, just maybe someday I would get out of all of that and live a normal, happy life.

Thanks to this song, and a lot of coincidences along the way. I am were I am supposed to be. I am a mom to a beautiful 2 1/2 year old little boy who has an untainted love for me as I do of him. I have a husband that has supported me every step of the way. He has had to deal with a lot of issues from me. Especially, my nightmares that I used to have. Mine weren't normal. I could feel the rape over and over again in my sleep. When I would wake I was in pain (down there). They were real, to me. It was happening nightly. I couldn't sleep. I could barely function. Yet, he still loved me. Even when I almost (accidentally) killed myself taking too many sleeping pills and was in withdrawals for over a month. He was there. He was never mad at me. He talked to me, he tried to help me though as best as he could since he never had a basket case (that is what I called myself) to deal with.

I guess what I am trying to say is. If there is anyone out there that reads my blogs and feel you are alone in something you are not. I am here. I will listen to you, if you need to call me and cry. Do it. I will be there for you. I was one of the lucky ones that got out. Not until I was 18 but I got out. I managed to bring my life back to normal. I got through it with help from friends and then therapy that started in February. I only wish my mom were here to see the woman I have become. I may not be great to most or the most beautiful but my mom would have thought so. She would have been proud that I have changed my whole life. She would be proud of how I am raising my son, and she would love Steve for loving me even with my many flaws. I may not be a religious person, but I am a good person and would do anything for anyone. She would be proud of that.

I just want to close and say I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and take a minute to be thankful for the things you have and where you are in life. You are there for a reason. Love to you all.

I just realized I haven't written in a while.

Since September to be exact. I am doing great with my new doctor. I love that he gives me a few months supply of my medications so I don't have to go back and spend all my money. Medication is alright. I think I am going to have to have them up my dosage though because I can feel some stuff coming back. My OCD definitely hasn't went away and since all the meds they put me on for that didn't work, they haven't tried another. When I go back this month I am going to try another one hopefully. I need it. Its affecting me again and I can tell. Steve is noticing too so that's what turned the light on for me.

Anyway, since September as some of you know Steve and I got married. Yay! Doing my happy clapping over here. I am so glad to call my best friend, my husband. He means everything to me. We had an awesome time staying at the beach a whole week and having the small wedding made it even better!

There is a photo for you all to enjoy. I haven't gotten them all back yet so this will have to do for now. The wedding day was very stressful as I know all wedding days are. I was finally glad to start getting my hair and make-up done at 4:45PM. Then I knew it was on. It was go time. The officiant got there and came to talk to me. As soon as she said when "your brother walks you down and you place your flowers on your mothers chair" I started bawling my eyes out. I mean come on, at least gotta have one good cry right. It was so special for me to have my brother walk me and to have my moms photo on the first seat for us to give her a flower.

The night before we got married we took my moms urn to the pier and spread her ashes. It was time to let he be free. My sister has been living in a crazy roller coaster of a world since our mom died almost 7 years ago. She knows this and I have told her this. I told her many times just because she lost her mom doesn't mean her kids had to lose theirs. She may have been there physically but she definitely wasn't there mentally. I'm optimistic about her future and hope that she can close the chapter in her life. We will never forget our mother and she will always be a huge part of us. But, it was time for my sister to let go. She wasn't in that box anymore. She is either in Heaven in you believe in that, or floating along among the beautiful stars. Either way, I know she can see us and is very proud of all of us.

A new Doctor

I was scheduled to start seeing a new doctor on October 18th (my birthday by the way), but they happened to have a cancellation last minute today. They were able to put me in there. I had been have problems with my other doctor. I just didn't feel like she was listening to me. I knew that the medication she had me on wasn't helping and she kept trying me on new things. All in the same family so naturally they all had the same side effect. Remind you all this is the same doctor whose care I was under when I went into the hospital in April. Anyway, my therapist and I thought it was in my best interest to see the new doctor.

She told me before that people either love him or hate him. I admit I was kind of nervous before my appointment this morning because of that statement I really didn't know what to expect. As I walked in he didn't even look up at first just told me to have a seat. He was working on something on his computer. A few seconds later he looks up at me with a bright smile and introduces himself and shakes my hand. Ok, good start. Not so bad yet. He of course asked about my history and why I started receiving therapy in the first place. As I was talking to him I could tell that he cared about his patients. He listened to me very well and put a lot of things in perspective for me. I'd say he is a pretty good judge of character. It was like he could read me and read what I was thinking. He actually gave me a fist pump when I told him I was the only person in our immediate family who graduated high school. Lol. That was pretty funny.

He made a ton of good points. He told me I was very intelligent and this is why I am so aware of my problems. He says people with more intelligence knows what is going on with them and they are trying so hard to fix it themselves because they think they should be able to. But, they can't and this is why they need to seek help. Out of all the doctors I've met he is the only one that has not pushed medication on me. In fact, he is a psychiatrist but he wants to make sure people do not have to live on medication. That they are able to face their problems, get over them, and free without medication. I love that about him. I don't want to be on medication the rest of my life. I really don't. I know that I need them now because of my PTSD, OCD, and generalized anxiety but hopefully with his wonderful help and the help of my therapist someday I won't need them.

He read me like a book during our session. Like I said above he can read people. He just asked me about my past history. I told him of the two sexual assaults, the rape, and my dad being very abusive. After I tell him all of this he gives me a compliment. Tells me I am beautiful and intelligent. I put my head down and said thanks. He says "you can't take a compliment can you?" I said, no. Which has always been true. I never believe people when they give me compliments. He says its because I have been torn down so much in my life that I think I am one of them and I don't deserve to be loved. He said he was going to change my thoughts on that before it was over with. See! I love him already! He also gave me a piece of paper of a book he wants me to read before I come back. I like doctors who want you involved in your own care. I think this is just the start to something great and a great relationship between doctor and patient.

Learning to not feel guilty.

I've talked to my therapist many times about the guilt I felt over cutting my dad completely out of my life. I know it was a necessary part of my life and my healing process yet I had major guilt over it. As she told me on numerous occasions why should I feel guilty? He is the one who did all the wrong, not me. I was just to the point that I wasn't going to take it anymore so I had to let him go.

Anyway, his birthday was Saturday. It was also his one year anniversary to being married to his new wife. I felt guilty for not calling and saying Happy Birthday. I always have called. I didn't call him Father's Day either. In fact I have not talked to him since Christmas night. He has tried to call once and I didn't answer. It was already after months had passed. What would have been the point of answering anyway. We would have gotten into a huge argument because I am no longer afraid of him like I was when I was younger.

I don't know why I felt so bad about not calling him on his birthday. He didn't call Jace on his, nor my brother, my nieces, or nephews. He pretty much made the decision himself now that I really think about it. He decided to throw his family away yet again for another woman. Its just a different one this time.

Sometimes I just wish I had some normalcy in my childhood. Then, other times I am glad everything happened the way that it did. Otherwise, I would be a totally different person with a totally different outlook on life. I dunno. In time the guilt will go away, I know this. I just can't have him in my life. He can't taint my world any longer nor my son's. I refuse to let my son see what I had to see and feel the way I felt growing up and even part of my adulthood.

Reminders.....

Just when you think you have it all figured out and nothing can bother you anymore, something jumps out and reminds you. Steve and I were shopping at Target the other day. He went to buy him a book since he is off work and hasn't really had much to do. So, I decided to get one as well. I decided to get A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard. I thought this book would give me more perspective and help me relate to someone who has been through some of the same things I had been through. I really thought it was going to help more. Well, I have been reading it for the past couple of days every chance I got. Which wasn't much. I got to page 55 tonight and I had to stop. I started crying and couldn't stop. I thought about all the abuse I endured. I felt awful for her to have to go through so much. I may have been sexually abused by three different men at different times but it was never over and over again. I cannot imagine what her young mind was going through. I know when I went though the molestation at age 11 I wanted to kill myself. I cut myself as often as possible to feel physical pain instead of the emotional pain I felt. She had to go through this for 18 years almost daily. Wow, just wow.

It opened a whole new can of worms for me tonight. Even though I feel I am still on the right track with my healing process I know I am not fully healed. If I were it wouldn't have gotten me so bad. I had to put the book away and I will not be finishing it. I can't. If I do I will cry the whole time and think about my situation. Not that I am feeling sorry for myself but its hard not to think of these things.

After I had my moment I heard Jace calling for me. He wanted me to come kiss him again. I almost broke down. I cannot imagine anything like that ever happening to my son. I have a lot of fear that surrounds him. I never want him to go through any of the things I had to go through as a child and young adult. I talked to my therapist today about my paranoia I have been having about something bad happening to my family or Jace. It has been taking over my mind. This is why she has been trying her best to get me in to see the new doctor. Which of course she did today. I go see him in October. I'm thankful for that. My OCD takes full control of my thoughts sometimes and its hard to handle. I'm just glad I am getting the help that I need now, while Jace is still young. By the time he is able to understand certain things I am almost certain this all will be passed me and I won't have to worry about any of it.

Have you ever felt like a lab rat?

That's what I am feeling like as of late. I know it takes a while sometimes for certain medications to work and for the side effects to wear off, but my goodness it ain't worth all of this. I was put on a new medication Thursday I believe. It was for my OCD because it was taking over my brain again and I couldn't put my worrisome thoughts to rest. So, I told the doctor I would give a try and honestly I did. I tried really hard. I wanted it to work, obviously. But, it didn't. It put me to sleep pretty quickly which was awesome. I slept through the night which was equally awesome. What was not so awesome is the next day side effects. Friday I woke up around 1PM I think and then went right back to sleep about 1:30PM and didn't wake back up until 4:30PM. When I did wake up I wanted to go right back to sleep but I couldn't because I had stuff to do. I felt like crap! So my MIL suggested the next night I cut the pill in half and take that. So, I gave that a shot. Same thing. Slept all day and felt like crap. Obviously after that I was done. I said forget it. So of course the past couple of nights I haven't slept well again. But I refuse to let what happened to me in April happen again. Although I am having sleep issues and dealing with my mom being gone and not going to be there to see me get married to my soul mate I am doing well overall.

I mean, my OCD is still there obviously and will continue to be until I find something that works for me and doesn't do weird crap to my body but I'll live with it for now. I lived with it this long, another few months isn't going to kill me.

On a much happier note. The wedding planning is coming together quite well. My dress is being altered currently by a great seamstress. Steve's wedding band came in today, mine should be here next week. My invitations are on the way. I've bought lots of things that we'll need for the wedding. I am feeling confident with everything that I am getting accomplished. I have 54 days until I say "I do" to my soul mate and I couldn't be happier!