Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I am strong enough.
I saw this today and it spoke to me. Before I started getting help for my tragic childhood I didn't understand why I was being put through everything I was. I didn't understand at the time why the God I had once believed in would let a child/teenager/adult go through so much. Most people couldn't handle what I have been through. They would have "fell off the deep end" already. As much as I have been through I can honestly say it has made me stronger.
Don't get me wrong, I am not completely "healed" or whatever you want to call it. I do have a deeper understanding of my life, the things that happened to me, and the life I lead now. My life is totally different than that of what I envisioned when I was graduating high school. I am happy for that. I am in a safe place in my life. I have people that surround me with love and affection. Something I didn't receive as a child. I knew my mom loved me and she made it a point to always tell us how much she did love us. Our dad would say it but actions speak louder than words. I was made to feel like I was unlovable. That I did something wrong to deserve all the punishment I was receiving. The abuse I had to watch my mom endure for 22 years of marriage to my dad, the abuse we endured when she wasn't around to knock around, the abuse of being left at home for weeks at a time with no food and no way to get any, the abuse from my sexual predators.
There was so much for 3 kids to have to go through yet we all made it out. Somehow, someway we did. Its still not easy to think about my dad turning his back on us once again. I haven't talked to him in 5 months although there have been several things mailed to him, he refuses to pick up the phone and call. Yes, it still bothers me to know that I have friends who have parents that do everything to make sure there kids are happy and my dad never bothered to do that. And, he is still acting the same way. New woman, same circumstances. We are just all grown now and it does sting. I can honestly say this though. My entire life I have made it not because of what he has done but because what I have done to change my future. I refuse to let him back into my life. He made his choice and his bed so now he must lie in it. Do I feel guilty? Not in the least bit. I have never abandoned him or walked out of his life without contacting him even though he did all the things he did. He has walked out of my life for the last time. Sometimes you just have to let people go, no matter who they are. Especially if they cause you undue stress by walking in and out like a revolving door. It makes you feel abandoned over and over again. I will not go to that place again and risk all that I have accomplished for a man that has proven he doesn't care over and over again.