That is what I want to be. That is what I want people to look at me as. I have had several emails over the paste few days from people saying things such as they admire me for being able to open up and share my story so publicly and others who want me to know how much I have been an inspiration to them and helped them. It makes me feel good to know that I am helping people in my healing process. As my therapist has told me a burden shared is a burden cut in half and to talk it to death. That is the way to heal. You talk to death until there is nothing left to say. Which would be the freeing process I spoke about in my blog the other day.
The other day I walked into the UPS store to ship something to a dear friend of mine. I had groceries in the car and knew I needed to hurry. There were three people in front of me and the process seemed kind of slow. At the time it was only one gentlemen in there. A few minutes later another guy walks in and of course he starts to help me as one of the young ladies had to leave because she didn't know what was in her package. He started helping me with my package. I am not sure how we got on the subject or what. I don't know if it was because of what I was sending or what. Wait, yes I do. It was because of what I was sending. I can't say what it is because my friend hasn't received it yet but I wanted to send it to her to inspire her and help her get through a troubling time she is going through right now. I told him why I was sending it and told him about my blog, about having PTSD and OCD due to the physical and sexual abuse I have been through. In other words I was trying to help my friend because I have been through this and I know what it feels like to be in a dark hole and not be able to climb out of it. The gentleman proceeds to tell me he is an Army Vet (bless him) but he suffers from PTSD as well. His is only seasonally though. We talked about the difference in sexual assault victims and war veterans as far as PTSD is concerned. He was telling me all about his struggles during the time that it was really bad where he was. Which is February until about June. So every year during these months his PTSD comes out really bad and he has these vivid, visual nightmares. I had them my whole life, every night. He would tell me that his wife would wake him up and he would be walking all over the house fully asleep but he was on look out in his dream. Its scary stuff to go trough things like that but gosh he inspired me so much. He is a psychology student at IUS. Of course, this intrigued me even more. The reason it did is because usually the one's who have things happen to them or have been through bad things are the first to help you when you need it most. So that is what he is doing. Studying this so he can help others that haven't got to their "freeing" stage yet. I just think its awesome.
He went on to tell me of a girl from IUS coming to him with a problem. Her problem was she went out with a bunch of people she didn't know got drunk with these people and two of the guys raped her. Now, he gave her the right advice. He told her to pursue criminal charges against them which she is doing. He said it had been a long process for her and it still isn't over. They are trying not to prosecute one because she doesn't remember saying no. Well, of course she doesn't remember she was drunk! Anyway, he told me about her and gave me her number. He also took my contact info in case she wanted to call and talk to me or even email me. During our now very long conversation and not even caring about hurrying home now (there was no food that would go bad) I wanted to ask him if IUS had support groups for rape victims and such. He didn't know of any but I told him during this process it has made me realize that I would like to go talk to groups that are at risk for this type of abuse. Not only sexual but physical as well. He gave me the contact information for the people I could talk to at IUS to see if I could come and start speaking to certain groups about my story and maybe get them to open up to me with theirs. And, maybe help someone along the way that is going through a tragic time in their life and have no one else who can relate to talk to. I plan on going to IUS and talking to these people to see what I can get started. There needs to be more awareness brought out. Of course we hear of it often but not enough is being done to the people who are doing the acts. Not enough victims are coming forward because they are too afraid (me). I was one of those. I still haven't told who my abusers were and never will. Its too late now. I have closed that chapter in my life. If I open it back up to try to prosecute them it would be drawn out and they probably wouldn't be convicted anyway. Its been 14 years now. There is really no way of proving it now. It would be their word against mine. But, I would like to help others pursue whatever it is they want or to be there for them if they need an ear to listen.