Today I had another therapy session. I missed last month because I was in the hospital and totally out it. Thought it was a different day and all. Anyway, my therapist is the sweetest. She really is. I don't really know if I could have gotten to this point without her. Well, yes I do know. I know I WOULDN'T have gotten passed everything I have without her help. She opened so many doors for me that would not have been there otherwise.
I still want to keep seeing her as I do believe it helps but like I explained to her to do. The chains are broken. I have looked at my rapist online, I know where my molester is and what he is doing, and well my dad issues are right where I want them. Not there. Maybe it sounds cruel of me to say this but I really don't want to have something to do with someone who comes in and out of my life constantly. I have felt abandoned so many times in my life by him that I refuse to let him back in this time. I am 27 years old and old enough to make that decision no matter the criticism it may come with. Speaking of my dad, he did call yesterday. After 6 months of not speaking to me or his grandson he calls. 6 months! I have sent a Save the Date card to him, a Valentines Day card to him from Jace, a photo collage of Jace's birthday, and misc other photos in this time period and I never once got a call from him. He turned his back on me and his family again for another woman. I won't let it happen again. I have to protect myself and now my son from his extreme lack of respect for others feelings. I will never let my son feel the abandonment that I have felt my entire life. He did it to me, he won't get the chance to do it to my son.
If ever I am asked a question about my father from a stranger I will simply tell them that I know who he is, but I don't know him. I really don't know this man. Yes, he abused my mom for 22 years. Yes, he abused all of his kids. Yes, he was a raging alcoholic. But, for the past 4 years we had a close relationship. I forgave him for everything he had done to us, to me. Then, he decides to walk out of my life again after making so much progress. This is why my heart is turned to stone against him. He did to us again what he did to my brother and I when he would leave us literally for weeks at a time when we were 12-13 while he had his weekly and sometimes monthly rendezvous with whatever woman would have him. This time I can control it, and I will. He is no longer a part of my life and never will. No, I don't feel guilty for it. And, no, if something happens to him I won't feel guilty about it. He did this. He made his own bed and now he must lie in it. I did none of this. I did nothing to deserve this, my bother and sister did nothing to deserve the abuse he put us through nor the abandonment he made us go through.
I am free. I am only free because I have let him go, I have let my rapist go, I have let my molester go. They can own what they did to me because I no longer own. I can truly say that with a smile on my face and not a tear running down my cheek. That's how you know when you're free. The bounds are broken, the cycle is over. I have broken it and so have my siblings.